AIBU for feeling so sad for DS this Xmas

[billytiina]

DS is 5...both DH and mine families are shit shows.
For context my dad smokes like a chimney, would be happy to have us over for Xmas but cannot grasp we don't want DS to breathe in chain smoking all day. He won't budge on this.
My mum is very anxious and controlling, while she cares she makes spending time with her very very difficult.
My sister lives two streets away, hates any family time and used the fact my nephews are teenagers to avoid spending any time with my son.
My in laws live several hours away..when they have come down in the past they contribute nothing, get us to wait on them hand & foot and spend the entire time telling us how much money they have/fancy holidays/a bigger house than us.
AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?

We live abroad so nowhere near either of our families. My daughter will be 3 just before Christmas and like every year since she was born it will be just the three of us. We'll probably video call the families at some point but it's unlikely anyone will visit - especially since we no longer have a spare room so they'll have to stay in a hotel. I don't feel sorry for my daughter at all. She'll have all her nursery events in the run up to Christmas, go to the Christmas market, help me bake Christmas biscuits, help decorate the tree, we'll do crafts. On the actual day she'll be spoiled rotten (mostly by my grandma. She no longer flies but will send gifts), get to watch more TV than usual (The Snowman is my personal Christmas tradition!), treat food and - the best part for her - dada is home and available to play with her.

Helping decorating the tree, putting up decorations, making a Christmas cake. leaving out stockings, sherry for Santa a carrot for Rudolph. Unwrapping presents. Christmas music, fun films, going to see Santa and Christmas lights.

There were usually just the three of us, there are lots of things you can make fun and your own Christmas traditions.

agree also that one of my best ever Xmas meals was in lockdown.

met my sister (illegally!!) in a wood nearby to hand over presents!

then came home, kids just sat and played with their new toys - I read new books while eating christmas dinner at total lesiurely pace, no stress, no arguments, I had my feet up and got to read while eating - no pressure for kids to politely stay at the table.

loved it.

You have no reason to feel sorry for your child. He has two loving parents which is a lot more than some kids have

My sons dad died when he was very small. No family on either side to support. It was literally my son and me

I would have loved to have your problems

Have you looked at what is going on locally OP? DD is an only and although we do have family close by that we spend Christmas with, there is actually plenty going on for smaller families. There are Christmas carols outside around the village/town Christmas tree (officially a town but feels like a village) with mulled wine, mince pies etc. on Christmas eve at 6pm, and we always bump into friends of DD's there with their families, and have done since she was in the very early years of nursery. Then Christmas day literally hundreds of people including the brass band walk up our local hill/landmark and there's carols again and people take a bottle of fizz etc. and it's very jolly and community spirited. Again, we always bump into friends and neighbours and so on there. It's also nice to pop into a pub for a lunchtime drink sometimes as well. I have lived here all my life so know a lot of people, but I know friends who moved here when their children were young have never struggled to find things to do to add to what they felt might otherwise have been a bit too quiet and small a Christmas.

As I say we do have a bigger family Christmas but I have always felt that if that wasn't an option for us, we would feel festive and celebratory enough with what is happening in our area.

Hi - I'm not in the same situation as we have family all come to us.

Can you do things with friends on the lead up to Xmas? Light trails, NT visits etc. even farms and places like that make it all Christmasy to visit. Go to the garden centres where they have big Xmas displays - mine lived that! And while you are there let dc choose a new bauble for the tree? (We used to have a separate kids tree for them to decorate with all the tat!)

Xmas eve - we make our gingerbread house, drink prosecco, eat party food, have nice bath and Xmas pjs. Maybe bake mince pies?
Perhaps the cristingle service at the local church?

Xmas day - nice breakfast (or let him eat his selection box for Xmas)

Do xmas dinner - maybe he can "help"

Walk after dinner?
(One year we went to the park on Xmas morning! Kids loved it)

Are you friends with anyone in a similar situation with kids? Perhaps invite them in the evening?

Lots of love op xx

"AIBU to really resent all our families and feel sorry for DS as all his friends will have lovely family Xmas with people making a fuss of them?"
I very much doubt that all his friends will have a lovely family Christmas with lots of people making a fuss of them.
Christmas is really what you make it, and doesn't have to involve extended family and a mountain of presents to be special.
So many people don't have any extended family or support networks, you have your husband and your son.
There are many many single parent households or families with just one child.
And social media photos of families around Christmas are showing the glossy, Instagram friendly version which may or may not bare any resemblance to reality.

The saying 'you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends' springs to mind here. I grew up as an 'only child' and the only extended relative I saw over Christmas was my Nan, who would come to us every other year (the year in between she spent with my Uncle and his family). All my Dad's family lived 5+ hours away, so I never saw them over Christmas or New Year as a child. Your son spends Christmas with you and his Dad, and he's not 'missing' out, because he knows no different! Spend quality time together. Visit Santa leading up to Christmas, go and see Christmas lights, perhaps include a panto (if finances allow) etc.

You have to plan the day in advance but there are lots of fun things that could become Christmas traditions:
Matching pjs
Singing christmas carols
Baking biscuits
Board games competition with prizes (overall winner, good sport, unluckiest one etc)
Decorate a bauble
…

Oh yes choosing the crackers op!! It’s so much more fun pulling them if you yourself had to make the decision of where they got allocated! Could you unwrap one end ( carefully) and slip some slightly more exciting gifts inside - his favourite confectionery etc? And if you don’t have guests, could you let him decorate the table?

Historically, I’ve been a bit uptight about these things as we normally have family over and I try to make it really nice in my opinion, but in the lockdown we had a Christmas table decorated with little father Christmases, elves, angels and reindeer made from ( wait for it!) cardboard toilet tissue rolls. They loved it and nobody seemed to miss my tasteful green, gold and mistletoe affair one jot. In fact I think they were quite pleased to be rid of it.

DH and I just have 1 DC and no family and have always had Christmas with just the 3 of us. We absolutely love it, there's no pressure at all to conform to traditional Christmases or show off, so we do what we enjoy eg. eating steak or maybe duck for Christmas dinner rather than turkey.

I hated big family Christmases as a child where there would always be arguments and someone being unhappy or offended by something. When DS gets married he'll be shocked to discover other people often have wildly different Christmases with dysfunctional families !

Ignore them, a lot of siblings don't get on and it means your child has more of everything - money, opportunities, your time. The ability to do things because another sibling doesn't need to be driven in a different direction at the same time. Etc.

It's a totally normal Christmas, you have a child to share it with and that's special. Kids don't care if other adults are around at Christmas or not once they've opened their presents from them.

I find having a plan/list of ideas works well, even if you don't stick to it there will always be something to do. You could write activities down and have him pull them out of a Christmas themed jar, you could decorate it in the run up. I always had a big cardboard box to decorate for Christmas so that I had somewhere to put my presents after unwrapping them.

On the day itself you have loads of options with films, board games etc. Some easy/non-messy craft-based stocking fillers you can do together perhaps.

Maybe it doesn't need to be as black and white as spending the whole day with them or nothing at all.

So perhaps you could invite your Sister over for drinks and mince pies one night before Christmas. She doesn't have to bring the teenagers and DS can show her some of the the Christmas art he's done at school and tell her how excited he is about Father Christmas coming but the overall focus is on you and her having a catch up.

Maybe your Mum and Dad could come over for a few hours in the afternoon for Christmas tea. They can give DS presents and he can show them what Father Christmas brought. You can tolerate your Dad smoking for a few hours but it's your house so your rules. The time limit will help your Mum's control and anxiety issues and she won't have to do anything other than turn up. It won't be masses of work for you.

Meet up with in laws somewhere halfway for a nice pub lunch and walk in the woods so DS can run around. Neutral ground gives the much less chance of scrutinising your house and lifestyle. It's no work for you and if they've got so much money hopefully they will pay!

The rest of the time is up to you. There are lots of lovely things happening at that time you can do for free. Perhaps you can meet up with friends at the village hall Christmas Fair. Go for a special hot chocolate. Go and see the Christmas lights around the town. Go to the children's service at the church.

As a child, we had large family Christmases which were exactly what you're imagining I think. Lots of food, Christmas films and games into the night. Most of my family are long gone now and I think it's literally going to be me, DH and the cat. It does make me feel a bit sad but there's no point on dwelling it because we have a lovely life and will certainly make the most of it.

I do agree with a PP of getting yourself a dog or a cat because they definitely become part of the family.

well for me it would be. I'd vomit.

I would definitely NOT get any pet unless you primarily want that pet. I loved having dogs, my last one died of old age 18 months ago and am sad that I had to decide not to have another because reasons BUT they are an immense tie and cost and only worth it if you actually want one because you want one.

… posts you don’t expect on a Christmassy thread! 😂 🎄🎅🎁

I think there are more families in your position than you think. All our relatives are abroad in a variety of countries which is far from uncommon. We can't afford to visit every year and when we do it's only 1 group, and some of them don't celebrate Christmas much at all.

There are lots of things to do in the lead-up to Christmas: concerts, grottos, parties etc
Then you could have your own santa tour when you go around dropping mini gifts for friends and family on Christmas Eve. I used to do that kind of thing when I was single and it was lovely as I'd often get invited in for a short while.

A mini break sounds lovely too.

They are fun! I’d been thinking of stuffing some in our crackers this year ( clockwork snowmen). I’ve got a box of do it yourself crackers for this purpose but I can somehow imagine they won’t work properly I make them 😬

My niece was an only child. When she was young christmas was spent at home with just her DP

Pantomime / Christmas Lights / Santa during December
Advent Calendar ( a refillable one hanging on the door she helped fill at the end of Nov with her favourite treats - changed every year ! ) & elf on the shelf 😳

Xmas Eve : a box with Xmas PJs / a film ( think polar express / elf ) a hot chocolate mix , popcorn or similar and a couple of silly presents like xmas hair clips . Put out snacks for Santa and Reindeer ( DP take some bites after niece went to bed

family PJ evening watching the film ( DP also got xmas PJs )

Christmas Day : Stocking at the end of her bed ( to keep her quiet for a few minutes while you get another 5 minutes shut eye ! )

Bites taken from snacks / pressies under the tree
Open pressies - have a big pressie but make sure there are several small ones to open as well - colouring books / crayons etc.
Traditional breakfast - whatever you decide to make it Bucks Fizz for the adults OJ with soda water for DC !

Niece responsible ( with help) to tidy up wrapping paper which usually covered the lounge and ‘help’ cook lunch with a suitable Christmas apron & cooking utensils

after lunch a walk outside to the local park ( new bike / scooter )

Home for hot chocolate & a Christmas film / play with new toys / read a christmas story.

Tea - buffet / minimal effort and a special desert think Christmas Colin the Caterpillar/ gingerbread house - niece got to choose what was in the buffet week before.

She is in her early twenties now and says these were her best Christmas’ rather than being with lots of other adults / family , watching awful films and the inevitable disagreements !

It will be fine you will make your own traditions and on the positive - no wider family disagreements, treading on egg shells and reeking of cigarette smoke. If you want to dress up for the day you can or if you want to wear lounge wear all day that’s ok too.

yes but when people say "oh put up with passive smoking for a day and make your child do it too, it won't do any harm" it seems to be the only answer 😁

We usually have a Christmas party with a few friends that have kids in run up to Christmas with pot luck food on a theme (Tex Mex last year). Everyone brings drinks and we set up some crafty things and games for the kids (gingerbread biscuits to make/ice, cards to decorate or those wooden tree decorations to paint). Later on we shove on Christmas films. It’s always fun and laid back. Kids feel like they’ve been to an event without massive outlays of cash and we all get to catch up a bit. Could you do something like that so he’s had a day with other kids doing Christmasy activities, have a day you go out for a Christmas dinner (would your mum and dad meet you for that on 22nd/23rd maybe?) and then on the day itself just cook something fairly simple, play games together, have a walk if it’s not miserable weather, watch a movie or kids tv show with hot chocolate & similar. Go all out on wrapping his gifts so they are in the shape of something maybe? At that age my kids were thrilled to come down to gifts packaged up to look like Lego blocks or a toy train or similar.

This was our family Christmas Day when I was a child:

• Wake up, stocking presents, special breakfast (smoked salmon, some stocking chocolate!)
• Go to church (obviously only works if you’re vaguely religious) sing carols, vicar normally invites the kids up the front to show a present
• go home, tree presents and lunch
• relax in the afternoon and watch a special Christmas movie
• go for a little walk
• eat some Christmas cake, play with new toys, go to bed.

Not another bloody gingerbread house boast !!!

How do you ever get it to stick together? Mine collapse when the roof goes on.

The last few years I’ve had to resort to using strategically placed gingerbread men leaning backwards (as if they’ve quaffed all the mulled wine or just got in from a particularly boozy office party) in order to buttress the walls up. It’s quite a good method if you’re desperate. You mound icing at their feet like a snow drift then set them at a 45 degree backward lean ( think Notre Dame flying buttresses, though that sounds grander than it looks).

But op do NOT follow any suggestions on here of doing this as late as Christmas eve. You’ll be up all night.

I'm an only child and my Christmases were wonderful - honestly at that age I just wanted to spend all day in my PJs eating chocolate and playing with my new toys.

Don't stress it, you can have a lovely day with the 3 of you. Lots of time to play games, watch a film, just to enjoy the day.

@Calliopespa 😂.

I never said they were good 😂😂

They usually look a mess - but I have found buying royal icing (I think) helps it stick together better rather than the stuff that comes in the box. And I buy packets of jellybeans and other sweets - kids (and me) just eat them while making - that's the best bit 😬