Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

I agree with this. My eldest was extremely tough at 6 months (and for longer after that!), whereas my youngest was easier at 6 months.

Hi op,

yeah he needs to adjust to his new life, doesn’t he? I think you need to be breaking news honest with him and really drilling it in that you were NOT fine after all and that he can go back to a trip like this when babe is 5…at least.

Just don’t overthink it. Share your side. Tell him straight for no possible misunderstanding and then ask him if that is ok for him…
If he says no. Tell him that you will then Plan a girl trip for in 3 months…watch his face decompose. Then negotiate. Do NOT back down. He is a dad and a partner. Remind him that…and again…and again.

Good luck 🌺

You sound quite self-absorbed and annoying. If you didn't want him to go why didn't you communicate that? His mother offered you declined.

I've got four DC and my DH has always travelled for work, sometimes leaving for at least a month when I had a small baby. If he's always done this you'll just have to get on with it, looking after a baby on your own isn't exactly rocket science. He's not going to change is he?

Perhaps the trips are a bit much so close together. Where they booked pre baby or are they short notice bookings? In all fairness He did try to outsource by offering his mum up to help you and he did message when he was away to check in. You have decided you don’t want help from your mother in law and you have drawn your own conclusion he was enquiring after the baby and not you..sounds like you need a chat with yourself first and then with him.

My husband and I never go away for more than 1 night with our friends. I went to visit my brother with one DC for 2 nights but that rare. Neither of us have gone abroad with friends and we just wouldn’t unless both if us went.

my husband just wouldn’t ask, especially when the DC we’re very young.

Amazed at the vote results - YANBU!!! I found (and still find) my first and only child very hard and get very worried / anxious when partner goes away. I did not allow him to go away for that long when she was small - I couldn’t cope and was in the throes of what I now know was PND. I felt so overwhelmed and scared of being on my own with daughter as I just didn’t think I could do it. Mine was a bad case but you need to look after you. There’s the phrase happy wife happy life but HAPPY
MUM HAPPY CHILD! look after yourself. He will have other holidays.

@angela1952 that’s
in your experience. Bit of empathy needed here - OP is struggling and clearly with 4 you know what you’re doing. For
many women (myself included) it IS rocket science. Everyone is different.

My husband had to travel a lot for work when our first born tinybpokrly baby was born and I would have been so grateful for any help and devoured a ready meal or 2 and a hot cup of tea with someone to hold the baby who didn't stop crying.
As for having things passed on to you and being put out taking them to the tip?? That is incredibly ungrateful and rude.
I am sorry OP bit you do sound like hard work.

Hhmmnnn, that tinybpokrly was supposed to read as tiny poorly. Apologies.

My husband did a set of 4 night shifts when our daughter was 6wks old. She was very colicky & had awful reflux & later diagnosed cmpa. I had no help overnight & no help during the day during that time. I put my big girl knickers on & got on with it 🤷🏼‍♀️

I absolutely agree, when my dd was tiny my husband had to work away from home every week, he left early Monday morning and got home late afternoon on Friday. It didn’t occur to me that I couldn’t look after one child on my own! I think 5 days of looking after your baby shouldn’t get you into this much of a state! My friend had 3 children under 5 and her husband worked on the oil rigs for three weeks at a time!
I think your bigger issue is with the amount of time your dh seems to want to be away from you and the baby. You need an honest conversation about this!

You sound in a pickle but a baby of six months is not like a newborn. Tell DH how hard it was and also say you are arranging a girls' trip for exactly same length of time leaving him with the baby. And do it.

Not a lot of messages due to him being on a lads birthday? He owes you big time!

If I were you, I would ask him to take a week off of work, so you can recover from his lads trip

Six months old isn't exactly a newborn, perhaps the OP should have accepted her MILs help if she's still struggling?

You have one child not three. Sorry but unless you or your child have underlying issues you should be able to manage 5 days alone and mother in law offered help and you said no!

Well said I thought the exact same. I never let hubby get up with baby during night as he had to work but I could nap during day with baby. Make a quick meal when baby sleeps or organise meals before hubby leaves on trips.

So he's got about three trips booked away? That is a lot. With a new baby. What happens if you ask to go away? You could start planning for next year.

I just wanted to say not all men do this. My partner never left me with the kids when they were babies /toddlers.
Your partner is behaving like a single man, not a dad.
I could understand 1 trip, if it was very special /important, but not multiple AND I don’t count a 40th birthday as important enough to leave the other parent holding the fort alone for an entire weekend (let alone 5 days). He’s taking the piss.

People will say you’re being unreasonable but most woman wouldn’t leave their baby numerous times with their partner without seriously discussing it and if there was any sense that they would struggle they wouldn’t go. People will say you should manage fine but everyone is different, I struggled a lot mentally and physically for the first 12 months and needed a lot of support , if my partner kept leaving me on my own I would be done with him. I don’t understand why trips away can’t wait until both are feeling ok with being in their own. Some might manage and well done to them but everyone is different. What would he say to you leaving for numerous trips away?

But she isn’t a single mum, nor is he in the army. So this statement is ridiculous.

he should be doing his fair share.

Not everyone is the same and it’s not a modern phenomenon that new mums struggle. It can take 12 months to feel normal, I was fainting 7 months after twins, struggled physically, not everyone bounces back physically and mentally

Agree one trip no biggie, but several is taking the piss.
Arrange some things for yourself (afternoon with friends) to help him understand what baby care is actually like.
Your DC getting a cold is not a crisis.

Frequent flyer carbon tax should definitely apply to people like him but that's another thread haha!

Tbh @MumDaisy1980 first baby cold is awful, you’d have struggled with it even if h was with you.

why could you not have got some ready meals in for yourself? Honestly, at 6m you get into a routine and stick to it and even if a cold comes, at least you know what to do

you could have had help but refused it, you seem to want to martyr yourself on this and that’s pointless

if your H is a bit wet when he’s ill, leave him to it and just make the odd cup of tea or lemsip or something. Better, call his mum and she can pander to him.

your h has another trip coming up, it won’t be as bad as this time as hopefully the baby won’t have a cold. You can pop a few meals in the freezer even if you batch cook between now and then and take the pressure off yourself

you’re the child’s mother, you have to be able to care for it on your own, as must your husband too, so look forward to the girls weekends to come when you leave him with the baby.

make sure to start training and preparing your h for when you get a break. Follow through and make sure he gets to stay home and do his solo fair share

He said about going and you said the child will be 6 months by then. To an expectant/new father that likely sounded like "of course, they'll be six months by then, all this hardness will be over". That's why it's important we don't expect our partners to be mindreaders.

He should be fine to go away for a few days, he couldn't really cancel such a trip because baby got a cold, but id expect equal opportunity to time out, so even though you wouldn't want to go away for for days, it's expect him to be enabling you to have regular time out to see friends / look after yourself as you need, or for him to be similarly supportive in a few years when you do feel able to do.

I'd also expect the spends to in no ways affect your quality of life

And is expect in general for him to grow up and share the load. If he's working and you're not, if course you'll be up now in the night and hopefully it'll better soon