Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

Think your husband needs to realise you have a different life now. Going away and leaving you to cope is a bit tough however my DH had to go away each week for several months (work) leaving me with our DS a year old. I was working full time so had to to drop off and pick up from nursery. think you need to put the dusting and cleaning to one side and when your DH returns get him to do it. I would certainly curtail these trips away. Don't understand why they are necessary. Birthdays are one day that's it.

What do you do while he is at work every day?

More fool on her for having the second with him! She got what she settled for I guess.

Right???
It boggles the mind...
I see it A LOT. "Oh I couldnt possibly take a 2h ride without my SO and the baby, Ive never been alone with the baby!" And other such gems!

And here I am, a single mother, finding it all pretty "easy" (I mean... its tough, there are difficult times, but its all fine!)

Looking after the baby presumably

If it was a random birthday then yeah I would be miffed. It is a 40th and bit more special, he should have made sure you were ok with it first and spoke abou tit properly, he should have also helped you with chores before etc done a shop before he went. He could have batched cooked some meals to help out. I wouldn't put up with it again though, especially just for random things. If they've alot of birthdays coming up maybe they should plan a joint one. If his friends not got kids, I understand why he didn't want other wives and kids there.

As a mum that's had 2 kids, 1 I was a single parent to from birth it's hard being on your own. I did like being able to sleep when I needed to, didnt matter the time. Eat when I wanted to, just worry about me and baby and that's it. When there's someone else sometimes it can be more difficult.

I would have used mil and said please watch the baby, I'm going to bed. Wake me if you need me or if you're bf if he needs a feed. And then have rested. You don't need to host someone who's there to help you. say I'm shattered as baby has been unwell, could you pls make some meals for us. We didn't have deliveries when I was a new mum 20 years ago for my first and I'd have been greatful for them then, maybe that's an option for you now aswell at least you're eating food.

When hubby comes back tell him how you feel. Sit him down and talk to him properly. You can't tell someone what to do, but you can say, I would like to explain to you how I feel when you're away for so long and then affect it has on me.

Also tell him you need some rest now and you've caught baby's cold. So for the next few days he needs to be helping with the baby more. Again unless he's bf, he can do feeds etc and if he objects let him know you've had a sick child for 5 days whilst he's been away and now you're unwell and you need some rest. He is also a father and if he's going to be away he needs to do some prep to help you before he goes and when he comes back.

Again things like make sure house work is done. There's food and meals you can heat up quickly. Let you have rest and when he comes back again he takes the baby. Does the feeds, help you rest.

If he can't do that then tell him you don't want him being away. He has a child to be responsible for and he needs to be here now. Ask him how would he feel if you kept just going away for days at a time and left him with the baby.

Don't be soft with him. Tell him exactly what you need.

I divorced my first husband when mine were 1yr son and a 3 yr daughter , was much easier than putting up with his philandering , he got a girl pregnant at 13yrs old and 15yrs old , paedo , he was a labourer so it was no biggy getting rid of him , no more washing his work clothes, I coped ...I met my second husband when my children we're 6 yrs and 8yrs , we've been together 30yrs... so what I'm saying,... sometimes life gives our head a wobble to help change course " whatever course that is " it'll work out . Hugs

i think there’s 2 separate issues here. He should be doing more day to day to help out and that’s probably why you resent the trip. However going on a trip for a special occasion shouldn’t be a problem at 6 months old. A lot of people do have to do it by themselves from a younger age.
However not having family around is isolating itself as you rely so much on your other half.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask someone to clean up after you but if your husband can go away then you should be able to afford a cleaner for a week .
i also recommend letting you MIL watch baby for a couple of hours a week even if you just go for a walk it will help massively. I didn’t leave my DS with anyone till 18 months as he was breastfeeding and it made such a difference having someone to watch him and get a short break.

i think u need to get a grip unless you are disabled why would looking after a 6 month old baby on your own be so hard there are lots of single parents out there that do it from day 1 with multiple children

Agree, I’m amazed that some think it’s ok for married men to go on lads trips and stag dos. Think we all know what they get up to, and are pressured by the others to do things they know they shouldn’t be doing. Doubt if these men would take kindly to their wives doing the same!

He ASKED you if he could go. Its your issue that you didnt speak your mind and expected him to use common sense...his common sense probably stretched to the fact you didnt say no. At 6 months old i was doing all night feeds with my partner at home as he works so i dont really know how him being away is that awful. As for all the trips, your included in one of them and he is paying for his mum as childcare so for you to moan is pretty unreasonable. And if you are this annoyed why dont you use your voice and tell him so 🤔 than maybe he will stop booking them. Your even complaining that he asked his mum to help you which he obviously thought you might need/appreciate...sounds like he cant win

He went to LV trip using his paternity leave

Thank you.

He did what? How on Earth can he justify that - I would be pissed if I worked with him

has he continued to step up though OP and parent

I think that's a bit harsh, some people have ppd, some new mums can be very nervous and especially if baby has been sick, she might just feel a certain way because he's off enjoying himself and she's at home with a sick baby on no sleep... which I get, it can be hard if it's the first time your baby is sick and you're not used to being on your own.

She sits on her arse drinking tea and eating biscuits, she's at home with the baby, what do you think she's doing 🙄

Thank you and very helpful .

Completely agree, and I’m surprised there aren’t more posts like yours. He’s a married man, and lads’ holidays should be a thing of the past. He would not like the OP to go off on girls’ holidays. If he wants to act like a single man and all that involves, then get rid! He’s selfish and immature, needs to grow up and be a responsible father.

Im guessing this is the year him and his friends all turn 40?
Two years ago this was my friendship group, we decided to save up years in advance and because theres 6 of us, it was 6 long weekends/mini breaks/short holidays throughout the year. That wasnt a typical year, usually we do try and get one or two night away together. If it is something like that then multiple trips are understandable.

I think you are being unreasonable a bit because he arranged help which you declined. Hes also arranged childcare for you to go but youve also declined (im sorry taking his mum and baby to a couples weekend is a bit weird).

If YOU wanted to arrange a weekend with your friends would he complain or would he be happy to solo parent? If he would moan, him going away is an issue. If not, arrange yourself a trip. Even a couple of nights in a hotel by yourself to rest.

@MumDaisy1980 Other people have given you good advice on the need to talk with your husband and getting him to help more. Being new parents is hard work and some dad's can struggle with confidence and some of what you are describing about having to tell him each step does make me think he's like this. Often men think that because women carried the baby, they will automatically know how to look after a baby and then think it's safer to let them. The only way your husband is going to learn is by educating himself and then getting on and doing it. My husband found the earlier months hard because he didn't know what the baby needed when it was crying and some times baby's do cry, even after everything is done properly for them. They get toothache, colic, get surprised by noises outside etc

You need to understand that your husband will make mistakes and do things differently to you but as long as he's being safe, try not to criticise or come to his rescue too much. As he learns, he will improve. At first it can seem as much hard work to let him try but in the end it's going to mean he has a strong bond with the baby and be actually helpful for you to get some rest.

However I would suggest that you both work out the routines that work best for you as a family. It's nice that MIL wants to be supportive but things have changed since she was a parent. "Shaking a bed" to stop a child crying in the night is not a great idea and could lead to a parent shaking too much in anger and causing the baby and serious injury.

You are giving way too much power and not taking responsibility for the way you want to raise your child. If you do just do what MIL says all the time, she is going to be critical of you if you don't "get it right" and at some point you're going to feel undermined /resentment, especially if your husband agrees with her! She will have some good ideas and experience but it's up to you to decide if it's useful or if you would rather do something else. There's no one way to parent and each baby is different.

I think it was very unfortunate timing for the baby to have their first illness at the same time as he was away for an extended time. You probably felt worse because of the worry and being new to parenting by yourself, I can see how that's made you even more unhappy about the trip.

It does get easier and you both will grow into it, though I suspect your husband hasn't had much experience with little kids so try to be patient with him but firmly explain what you expect from him. He needs to understand that children aren't women's job, nor is everything else that goes into looking after the home. It's two parents working collectively and collaboratively.

He is out of order and selfish. He is putting his mates above you and new baby. I really can’t fathom all the bs on MN justifying married men going on “lads’ holidays”. Married men with children are no longer ‘lads’, however much they may resent that. They have responsibility first and foremost to their family, not going off on drinking binges for 5 days with their pals. Work trips are a different matter, or a weekend away for a sporting event occasionally, yes. But this bollocks about lads’ holidays boils my piss.

Let's face it, he wouldn't olo parent, he'd have his mum there all weekend to look after the baby, like she said it wouldn't be help, she'd be expected to host and do everything whilst doing everything. The baby was almost sick and lack of sleep with a sick baby makes up feel rotten, I feel like sometimes I was going to loose my mind when the baby is so poorly and can't sleep and your eyes feel like they'll burn out of your head. So that's probably not helping the way she's feeling