Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

Lol yeah this modern phenomena where women aren't beaten within an inch of their life for expressing dissatisfaction so can say how they really feel. You honestly think generations before us were happy with doing it alone?

The travel per se I wouldn’t have so much of an issue with (but in my industry we’re away at least once a month on average, so leaving kids with one parent or other childcare is completely normal). The lack of communication on both sides would bother me.

He seems to think nothing has changed now he has a baby. You seem to think he should guess all those changes you’re now going through as a family. Talk to each other. Sit down and explore how you’re feeling, and communicate to him what you’d like him to do, and reach an agreement together. Don’t just go off on trips (him) or say nothing but expect his parental sense of duty to kick in (you) if it hasn’t happened yet.

So there are quite a few posts like this. In a way, I agree that she should be able to cope with a 6 month old for a few days. My DH has always travelled for work. I was looking after my baby alone from when she was 3 months old. She was one of those babies that cried the whole time, and we had no family nearby to help. He was also away a lot when I had a toddler and a newborn to look after. It was very tough but I just got on with it!
However, I think we need to look at the big picture here. He's also going away on a lads holiday to Europe this month. Vegas must have been thousands, and a few days in Europe won't be cheap. She mentioned another trip too (I couldn't understand if she was going to this one too). Unless they're rich, I'd be a bit pissed off with DH spending thousands on two or three trips in one month. Also, being alone with the baby several times in one month while he parties.
If it's only because his mates all have their big birthdays in October, then ok. Hopefully things will calm down. However, if he's going to continue having frequent trips in the months to come then I do think it's too much, both in terms of money and time away.
Saying that OP should go away with her friends too isn't really a solution at this point. I wouldn't have left my 6 month old baby. I was still breastfeeding and just didn't feel like leaving my baby at that age. Once my child was over one, I did start to have occasional trips without her.

I think you were unlucky that your 6mo caught a cold, which made what should have been an easy few days harder, but you can’t blame DH for that.

You’ve also been be bit of a martyr by refusing help (even if it wasn’t the help you wanted, it was still another pair of hands). You also could have prepped better with food for yourself, or even just resorted to deliveries to make your life easier.

Have a think about what was hardest to deal with on your own this time, and make a plan for the next trip.

Also, don’t look after him when he gets back. Give him baby and tell him you need to go out to catch up on things you couldn’t deal with while he was away. Find a cafe or restaurant or library or anywhere you can sit quietly and relax for a few hours.

I’m surprised that you cannot cope with a six month old with a cold for a few days. When they start walking then the real trouble starts. How do you normally cope? If he’s working then presumably you look after the child? Don’t look after him when he is ill if you don’t want to. But some food and a cup of tea is hardly onerous. You’re not having to sit next to his bed and watch him sleep!

I am sorry, OP, but you're a martyr, one baby, who is 6 months old! Come on get a bloody grip!
Stop pandering to him and start acting like a grown up!

Personally this would be fine if: he wasn’t taking family money away from family holidays iyswim ie if you could afford it - I say this as we couldn’t afford a trip to US and a family holiday. If you were equally allowed to go on girls trips leaving him with the baby. There were no health issue he was aware of that would mean you would struggle to look after the baby. Agree with PP that one a 6 month baby on your own for a few days should be fine - so that in itself wouldn’t be an issue…

Is this a regular thing or just the 3 occasions for his mates 'big birthdays'? If it's just because of the special occasions and he is not doing it every other month I don't see the issue.

At 6 months baby should be in routine and so should mum, and you should accept help from MIL, she did raise your DH, she could come watch the baby while you go sleep - I bet you would come down from a good sleep to a tidy house, washing on and food made - that's what I would be doing.

@MyMiniMetro
You suggest that so many posters on MN are horrible because they do not feed the OP's fury and resentment. Sometimes the posters who do try to wind the OP up and encourage her anger remind me of the runners on the Jeremy Kyle show. Their job was to fuel the anger of the participants so that they would explode on the show. It supposedly made for better television than a couple calming down and making up. It is why the show was taken off the air.
The OP is full of anger and resentment because her husband is away for a few days, even though he has spent a month with his in laws. She has rejected all offers of help from her MIL. I feel sorry for her, she wants her Mum and she wants to be recognised as coping with the difficulties of being a new mother. I expect her husband is feeling excluded from the family unit after a month with his in laws and he is relying on old friends.
Fuelling the OP's resentment won't do any real good. She might need to learn not to be a martyr and to accept help. Learning to make time for herself and to leave the baby with her husband and her MIL would be a positive win for her. Her husband would be able to feel proud of the baby in his own right, showing him off to his mother. The OP would be able too feel like herself again.
New family dynamics are very hard. Communication and honesty is so important

You see I'm also nearly 50 and I totally understand holidays with friends. Me and DH have our own little trips with friends (and plenty of trips with the family too).
I just posted that I wouldn't have done it when my children were babies, but once they were toddlers I did. Now our children are 14 and 11, it's much easier to get away. I had a weekend in London with a close friend in July and I'm going away with a few friends in November to celebrate my 50th. This weekend I'm away visiting family in London (sometimes I take my whole family, sometimes I go alone).
DH also has occasional trips. He recently had 4 days in France with a friend doing his hobby (a sport).
It's not about going away and getting pissed. It's about having quality time with friends and just having a break from the norm. I have friends I've known for 45 years! Way longer than I've known DH. They live far away so I can't see them for a day or an evening out. Why wouldn't I cherish these relationships and want to have quality time with them?
It's also about having a break from being mum and wife. Family life is absolutely wonderful- but let's be honest, it can be relentless and exhausting too. When I hang out with friends, I remember I have an identity that precedes family life and I can just have fun away from all the domestic chores. I fully encourage DH to do the same. He needs a break too.
Family life is the most important thing but it doesn't mean you can't have a few weekends away too. Parents are people in their own right - they don't only exist in the family vacuum.

Do you really only do things that are necessary? That seems a pretty dull life to me. I do lots of unnecessary things with my friends and family. We go on holidays, we go out to restaurants, we visit museums and galleries. All aren’t necessary, but enjoyable.

Not sure what sort of holidays you were going on when you were younger, but I think things have moved on since booze and banging 😂. Last trip with my friends we went to Paris, saw all the sites, had a couple of lovely meals, pottered around bookshops, went for coffee and cake. We are all spread around the country so often is easier to meet abroad for the weekend. My husband does similar trips, last one was to north wales for a camping/hiking holiday. Doesn’t all have to be booze and banging!!

Me too.

If it is upsetting you then you need to have a chat and sort it out. Dh worked away all week when ds was 6 months and i coped fine. It was exhausting at times but it was ok as DH helped loads when he was at home. If you feel resentment then it will make everything feel ten times worse so think about why you feel like this and how your dh can better understand this.

Lol. It's not fueling her resentment, it's called validating her feelings. People on here are judging her negatively for finding motherhood hard and suggesting that she suppress very proportionate feelings. Why? That's quite a d**k thing to do when someone has reached out for help and we could all easily scroll on by.

My DH regularly travels for work a week at a time and has done since DC1 was 6 months. You get used to handling children on your own with practice. Have some meals and baby food prepared in advance you can just easily heat them up. It's easier when children are old enough to eat same food. Also plan some fun activities out of the house to keep everyone sane.You were unlucky baby got sick so it was trickier.

OP, I think this is your first baby, and you probably think that you shouldn’t be asking for help for fear of being seen as a nag, or similar. At this point you need to speak up for yourself, and ask for what you want. Your husband shouldn’t need to be specifically asked not to go on his lads holidays, as clearly this a new chapter in your life, and he should put his child before trying to hold to his partying.. But clearly that’s not the case, so you need to spell it out for him, clearly. Remember, your child has two parents, who have equal responsibility. Don’t compare yourself with other mothers, as all babies and children are different, as are our circumstances. A lot of women still think that the 1950s model of parenting is something noble, but in that case it was always a lot harder on the woman, in every way. Hopefully we are starting to move away from that mentality, and getting the fathers to take full responsibility as an equal parent. You need to speak up and spell out what you need. Also, going forwards, in others situations, if the grand parents offer to help out, please always accept the offer, even if it’s you still being in the house, but going to bed and getting a good chunk of sleep, or going out for lunch etc. It’s so easy, as a parent, to drown in the sea of resentment and exhaustion. Please speak up.

💯

Thank you. Yes. I did mention to him at times that he took me for granted.

Thank you. Indeed a learning experience . As harsh as it sound that I turned down the help. I would say at that time I didn’t even know what help I need. I only see more like MIL want company and visit whenever she spotted me/ husband had nothing to do at home.

the help of I go take a nap is something I would consider in the future. The truth is i would rather have a helping hand on cleaning and cooking . Contrary I could enjoy playing with baby. But it’s something I don’t think I can ask MIL to do. Just I know it.

Thank you so much.

This!

Thank you. Yes to speak up what I want but I realised as first time experience, I wouldn’t know what I want and take time to find out.

my husband tried his best to fulfill all that I asked but I was exhausted from evey morning ask him to change nappy . Every few hours map out what he needs to do next. It’s as exhausting as doing things myself.

as soon as he back from LV next day he back to work.

I understand you can't ask MIL to help with cooling and cleaning but you can ask DH to ask her. My MIL very occasionally came when DH was away (it involved flying her in from another country) and DH just explained it would give me a break not to have to cook and clean. She did a lot of batch cooking, some light cleaning and took care of the laundry. It was a massive help. She enjoyed being useful and got to have lots of cuddles with the baby too. Although I loved being with the baby, it was nice to hand her over to someone else now and then!

It honestly wouldn't bother me, because we would ensure it balances out.

For example, we have 2 girls, almost 5 and 2.5.
DH does more weekend trips away with friends as they live in different cities around the country so it makes more sense for them to spend a weekend together.
I go on more nights out with friends, because we live in the same city so it's easier to see each other more often.
To counteract the overnight aspect, DH has booked me a hotel in our city 3 times since our first baby was born, so I can have a chilled out evening by myself and we've only had 1 overnight away from the children together, as we have no family who could offer to have the kids overnight.

But he's also a very hands on dad, does swimming lessons, drs appointments, school/nursery drop offs and splits bedtimes with me. So it all evens out for us

Thank you everyone for your messages. They are all very helpful. Put my situation into persepective.

after few nights of lack of sleep, I started feeling sick, which is awful.

agree bigger picture it’s just a few horrible nights, in the moment it’s really tough and unpleasant.