Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

Yes and I agree. Having said that he had messaged (seemingly very recharged) saying will help out with everything on return. Though he is arriving evening and will be working next day . Not really know what he could help. I am fed up with having to list out what I needed help for .

I really want to voice that him and baby to stay in living room overnight so I could have a night alone. But next I would need to spell out everything. What clothes to wear , when to change nappy all the details that tired me out also. I wonder if any other new father also need to be told every step. Sigh.

@Sassybooklover I agree with you. My holidays now are with my family. My husband and I still spend time with our friends but we all have kids now so it's always daytime activities. We use the rest of our annual leave to cover school holidays and save on childcare.

I think that it's quite normal to need to spell everything out. Even father's with the best of intentions and who want to actively parent don't know what to do, especially when a woman is breastfeeding. Why do you need to keep listing things out? Can't you write one big checklist. Are all these things done? Yes - you can relax, No - we've still got stuff to do. When it comes to night time, can you trust him to take care of things? Let him find his own rhythm just like you did at the beginning? One solution may be, he has baby for 2-3 hours late evening so you can sleep and then he gets up early to help so you can grab an extra couple of hours before the day begins?

I think you need to say no he won’t be helping out he will be taking on joint parental and household responsibilities and he needs to step up because if he is old enough to go to Vegas he can look after a child

and he needs to take annual leave to enable you to rest

Your bil is an absolute waste of space.

These “men that are just like this” should use condoms and not inflict their uselessness on others.

and your sister needs to grow a spine and some self esteem

He doesn’t know when to change a nappy? How is that related to breastfeeding? Does BF makes a man so dumb he can’t smell or see poo or touch a nappy and feel/see it’s full, or set a timer for every 2h in case any of the above is unmanageable for the human male brain?

DH didn’t need telling when to change a nappy, how to prepare formula (instructions on the box) and cool, how to use common sense when dressing the baby. And DH is not even NT!!

And this - language matters. None of this “help” business

Do it! Send him to the living room with the baby, he’s had 4 nights of unbroken sleep, your turn!!

@Sassybooklover Maybe lots of women identify as a person with own interests on top of being a wife/partner and mother.

Obviously finances are an issue and I wouldn't be happy if one person's trip takes away the possibility to have a family holiday. The same with annual leave, you need to set priorities.

But my DH basically bullied me into taking on project work which several times meant staying on location over a weekend and having time for myself - on my expenses outside hotel cost.

Similar, I encouraged him to add 3 personal days to a worktrip 10 years ago as I knew the opportunity wouldn't come again soon.

I actually think the older DD gets, the more we do this. We don't need all our annual leave to cover school holiday, DD is happy and able to be at home during the day, she doesn't need constant entertainment and supervision.

Maybe because DH and I travelled for work for years, we realised how refreshing days without a child is. The peace to eat breakfast or go to bed without housework after the child's bedtime is not to be underestimated. Despite jet lag, we often came back more settled and ready to sort out normal life again.

I didn’t realise having a baby was like being in prison where you can never go away for a few days 😂.

You can’t feel angry or disappointed if you didn’t tell him. He can’t read your mind. If he does it anyway then he’s a jerk.

I worry that with a six month old baby you can’t cope on your own for a few days. That is seriously worrying.

He might have man flu but you don’t have to take care of him. Apparently the baby is enough for you and you already can’t cope. Don’t pile that on.

When help was offered you declined it. That’s on you.

Having a baby is mega hard and sucks a lot do the time. I have been in your shoes (hubby worked away during the week and I had not family in the country with in-laws four hours away) so I know how you feel but sometimes it’s about finding the inner strength to cope when you have to. If you can’t then again tel your husband and say to him you are finding things too difficult for him to be away.

Sorry, but after 6 months I would expect the other parent to know this. I would expect the dad to know how to change a nappy when the baby is still in hospital.

I can understand that sometimes the non-at home parent has to double-check some timings, especially if things go different at weekends but I would expect a parent to ask and not me writing lists.

I think you need to sit down with him and talk about general expectations. Do you plan to go back to work? Then you need to have a system in place for both of you.

Mine is going to Vegas in 3 weeks for his 40th. With friends and one of the wives too. I've krakow booked for next July with friends.

We have 4 children 3 of whom are autistic.

Both one off trips and both places we always wanted to visit.

We will also have a family holiday in summer too.

agree with you every point .

if I don’t list; he would then say I didn’t tell him. After changing nappy and few hours if I don’t see him change. He would say I changed already. He is out of tune on day to day care on a number of things indeed.

THANK YOU!

Thank you.

Not unreasonable about lots of oversea trips.

Bit dramatic about having your baby for a few days at 6months old.

Thanks. Yes I m returning to work in Nov. He already suggested a system that his mum told him.

no he would ask and always wait to be told. I did say at times, not all things need to be told. Could he just open his eyes and look around the house what need to be done. Then it came to this trophy moment when he did one little things …dishwasher ; drying laundry . He had to made an announcement for the day. OMG. He would even told his mum oh I did the laundry (but limit to say just that day.) there are times he really show immaturity.

But why do you need to tell him - I have changed zero nappies other than my two children and before I had them very title experience in babies and neither did DH but we managed.

he can hold down a job/friends/take himself to Vegas he can figure out how to parent a six month old baby

I think you need a very honest conversation when he gets home

And if you are going back to work then everything needs to be split

i hipe you aren’t planning on washing his clothes and frankly I wouldn’t be feeding him either for a bit

yes thank you!!!

exactly!! That’s what I puzzled always, given he is well regarded in his job, great friends network (which obviously these are attributes attracted me when we know each other)
but why when back home , I have to use this word - I felt he quite useless. Like constantly donno where things are and this is his home. Can’t operate washing machine or wear baby clothes inside out all those simple things!!!!

I think you need to go out on Saturday and leave him with the baby. He'll figure it out just as you've had to

Haha . Since baby born most days I asked him sort dinner himself . He lost weight (and in fact he is happy because he started look like middle aged man).

yes indeed about splitting and still figuring ways work best for us. But the MIL already instill a way., I felt we didn’t even work out ourselves and got to just follow what told. Yet to discuss for sure.

OP It sounds like you have fallen into the trap of doing everything and letting DH swan off when he wants too, getting upset about it and not taking any action to change it.

A lot of mothers end up doing this, I think it is a mixture of “well I’m the mum so it’s my responsibility” and society that makes mums feel like they can’t do things they used to enjoy like going out with friends etc, feel bad for saying no to hubby going away…

My biggest advice would be to

1. make sure you have time for YOU. It’s a fantastic opportunity for your DH to look after baby one night a week, whilst you go out with friends / to the gym / whatever you want to do! How can you expect DH to know what to do, if he’s never done it without you being there telling him

2. set boundaries. You can say I need help, you can say DH I’m really struggling right now and need a night uninterrupted sleep, you can say no to him going away if it’s going to affect you and baby.

It sounds like the issue is not him going away but what happens the rest of the time. He needs to pull his weight in every respect but particularly in terms of night time wakings.

I think YABU to have an issue with a trip like this. If you can afford it why not, telling a partner he can't go is a recipe for disaster in a relationship. DH went on many trips and i always used them as leverage. If we had a particular bad few weeks I would book myself into a hotel down the road (often with breastpump) and have a nice 12 or 14 hours break. When baby was older I would go away for a night alone, I even went alone on hols for 3 nights to Spain when toddler years were very stressful.

I know you are tired but you have MIL nearby and it sounds like you got lots of help with your family. I'm betting you had meals cooked for you and a few lie ins, new motherhood is intensely difficult but relatively speaking, I would consider you lucky.

@MumDaisy1980 What was he like before the baby came along? Did he do his fair share around the house?