Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

Always speak up and always ask for help, when it is offered, or when ever possible. You don’t have to put up and shut up. Your baby is still tiny and you are on a brand new learning journey. Finally, never, ever minimise your role as parent, in comparison to your partner. In one of your earlier post you say: “He would be taking care on the bigger matters (he built nursery furniture all by himself , say) and I involved in the small stuff”. In an equal partnership there’s no such thing as he or she doing, or taking care of bigger matters. They are equally as important in terms of their contribution and value. Does he want a medal for building something for his own child? Did you get a medal for growing, and subsequently giving birth to your child? Treat yourself and each other with kindness, and don’t put yourself in second place.

Why are you not getting any sleep ? Seems a silly question but does he not take his share with the baby ?

Others have asked what does he do to parent his child ?
Do you have days or nights away while he parents his child ?

That’s good this thread has helped you gain some perspective.

Hope you feel better soon.

i Would say no. He does not take his share of sleep. He simply give up and can’t cope. like I spotted him fell asleep when baby on his chest , the baby was newborn and I almost have heart attack seeing that given I read about SIDS.

then or I asked him takeover in the middle of the night if I really exhausted (I still have to wake up and asked ) . He was sleepy too and he shook the bed with his eyes closed to try get baby stop cry and sleep! Well the shaking bit was what MIL shared with us the story …. Apparently that’s how she used to put her kids to sleep when she was tired at night. I had to stop what my husband doing and take over.

he seemed a long way to be mature in certain aspect . Not everything I have to spell it out how he become a husband take all the boxes .

So he is spending all the money and his annual leave and isn’t helping you and you have to map everything out

yiu need a harsh long conversation and I would take the help as well but point out he can’t have his mum step in

I'm 50 next birthday and just had a wonderful Friday-Monday break away with 7 girlfriends. Speak for yourself.

But you haven’t just had your first baby, and trying to navigate this new family life setup, and all its challenges, especially when the baby is this young, right?

That was so hard to read.

Quite. My husband regularly worked away while I had young children. Just had to get on with it. Stop being so wet.

The thing with going away is by the sounds of it he is not putting himself forward as being equipped to handle the baby, shaking a bed and falling asleep with a baby are dangerous behaviour

Dh works in a different COUNTRY 10 months of the year, has done for 12 years. I managed just fine. It's a baby fgs, not a rabid racoon.

Works though presumably through choice to get a certain amount of money

not disappearing on various birthday trips

What, do you want a trophy, for that? Every woman experiences motherhood in different ways. For a multitude of factors and reasons, some find it much harder than others. Some babies are easier, some are harder. Every one had different experiences. I think we could all show more empathy, in situations like the OP.

Not at all. I was responding to another poster who said But you haven’t just had your first baby, and trying to navigate this new family life setup, and all its challenges, especially when the baby is this young, right? - and I absolutely have. Not sure what your problem is?

You asked me But you haven’t just had your first baby, and trying to navigate this new family life setup, and all its challenges, especially when the baby is this young, right?

I was just confirming that indeed, I have gone through that.

How is that relevant wrt taking care of a 6mo baby for 5 days by yourself?

This is bigger than a 5 day trip .
How can’t people see this .
OP has been doing all childcare alone all nights alone . He doesn’t step up as a parent and then on top of it he swans of abroad for days not just once but many times.
Seriously?
If OP had worded this differently she would be getting different replies.

She is exhausted and resentful .

He needs to step up and grow up
She may be better off alone .

You were responding to me. I don’t have any problems. It’s just your comment came across as somewhat smug. You managed just by your self, just fine, which is great, but for so many women they need their partners near by, because for many people, parenting can be a real hard thing, and admitting to it is not a bad thing. And in the OPs case, she must be truthful about her feelings, and her husband needs to step up and stop going away on his lads holidays, and start doing some serious parenting.

Same.

not that it’s the same but my husband worked away for a couple of weeks at a time when my sons were babies.

He isn’t behaving like a single man btw. That notion is bonkers. He’s allowed, as are you, to have a life outside of wife and kids.

agree.

Multiply trips away is unreasonable but also as they are 40th's I feel a bit like they are justified. The men in our friendship groups are very big on weekends away for big milestone birthdays/events (we are just starting to plan 40th for next year). I wouldn't mind my DH going but there would be stipulations to so many close together. We both have the same mindset though - that we can still have those holidays with friends but there has to be some compromises.

My DH went to South Africa for 10 days when my youngest was 6 months and eldest just started school. It was hard with the little sleep but we pre planned alot which I think helped loads. Batched cook at least half the meals, all shopping done (bar picking up milk, small staples etc) before he went, all cleaning and washing done before he went (including towels and bedding). This meant I literally had to do the bare minimum while he was away. I had family (aunt in law and my parents) visit the weekend he was away (one day each). I was on also on maternity leave so didn't have to juggle work.
He also when he got back allowed me as much time as I needed as he knew how hard it had been when he was away. Although I didn't take my time back straight away I did do two weekends away with girlfriends within the 18 months afterwards without feeling guilty he had the kids.

You don't have to miss out on what life was like pre children, but it does take some compromise. Maybe we are fortunate to have a friendship group where we all have the same mindset. Everyone is considerate so for example with 40ths, where they can be combine they are so there is less going away etc. Not everyone is going abroad and some are having local parties etc. I do understand the no children thing as although most of our friends have children, big milestone birthday are becoming child free events.

I wish people would stop calling it a lads holiday like it's cute. It's grown men drinking too much and fucking trafficked young women

I think I'm starting to see the bigger picture here. You are (understandably) resentful about him going away for 5 days. If you are doing all the childcare and all the nights then it's not a question about whether or not you can cope (as you already do on a daily basis). I would have thought him going away would have been a welcome break for you in that instance as it is often much easier to do something yourself than to give a set of instructions to your partner every time you need something done. It sounds like you don't trust him with the baby (again perfectly understandable). To be devil's advocate, perhaps he feels like the is not needed, that you have everything under control. Its important that you communicate that this is not the case, help him to see where he can be helpful. It's better to have these conversations before resentment builds up. There is so much he can do whilst you are with the baby from food prep, to cleaning, taking the bins out etc. Write a list of jobs he can do when you are tired. You need to be on the same page and work as a team. I don't think there is anything wrong with him going away per se. But it seems like this is just another thing on a long list of things. You want him to do more, he (for whatever reason) is not pulling his weight. It doesn't have to be an argument but it's an important conversation.

The OP clearly explains that they (Husband her and their baby) have just returned from one month abroad staying with her Parents. Her husband probably feels that a month with the in laws equates to a weekend away with friends, particularly if his mother offered to help.

Things are often fairly settled by 6 months so I think it's unfortunate that you and your baby have both been ill.

If you find your MIL difficult I don't blame you for not asking for help from her.

I had friends/neighbours I would have asked first tbh.

Your husband sounds as if he's pretty clueless.

Honestly, when women give birth an instruction manual doesn't pop out as well!

I don't understand why in the 21st century some men still seem to think that being male is a pass for being clueless about babies!

All I could do that my husband couldn't was breastfeed!