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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

249 replies

MumDaisy1980 · 15/10/2024 03:37

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

OP posts:
Alwaystired2023 · 15/10/2024 03:47

Oh gosh I'm sorry OP that sounds so tough :( can you talk to him when he gets back to explain how hard it was? Or go out for the day and leave him to look after baby so he gets a bit of first hand experience?

I understand you don't like to say no to him going on trips but it might help if you talk to him and explain what you have said here so hopefully you can find some compromise.

How is the childcare normally split between you when he is home?

MumChp · 15/10/2024 03:47

Lads don't go overseas regularly. Some doesn't. Some does.

My husband leaves with work for a week once or twice a year.
he has never left me random with young children to go out for fun unless I was 100% happy about it. Marriage is a teamwork and I wouldn't accept to be left with a baby if I couldn't manage. It's fair that parents take care of young children not leaving for single holidays.

sleepandcoffee · 15/10/2024 04:59

I think having multiple trips planned is pretty unreasonable once you have a child together , really he should be wanting to spend his down time with his new family .

Babies are tiring but at 6 months old you should be a able to cope by yourself for a few days so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to go away if it was a rare treat , it's just the amount of plans he has made that would
be cross with .

Demurelemur · 15/10/2024 05:03

A one off trip is OK. Multiple trips and the lack of messaging, not so.

Meadowfinch · 15/10/2024 05:15

A one off trip of five days should not be a major issue. By 6 months you should really be able to cope on your own. Your MIL offered to help but you turned her down. Why not ask her to bring round some preprepared food or help with bedtime etc? You need to say what you want, not expect people to guess.

I don't think your dh can be blamed for your child getting a cold.

It's nearly over and the great thing is you are 'in credit' now. He owes you a few days away with your friends. 😊Christmas theatre & shopping trip? Spa break? I'd get it booked in the diary. It sounds like you could do with a break.

And it will be good for him to learn how time consuming sole care can be. I bet he won't turn down his mum's help.

AND certainly don't take care of him when he gets back. If he crawls home with a monumental hangover, that is his problem, self inflicted and you should ignore it, expect him to bounce straight back.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 15/10/2024 05:18

For me, it’s not about the trip specifically but about how he approaches it, how he is generally and is there equality in the relationship?

When our kids were that young, we each had weekends away with friends and also lucky enough to get nights on our own. Time out is important and can help to keep everyone fresh and balanced- but if it doesn’t feel equal there’s a problem.

thistlepiedpiper · 15/10/2024 05:25

I'm sorry, I don't agree he was unreasonable. It was a 4 night trip when your baby is 6 MONTHS old, not 6 days or 6 hours. I would have been making the absolute most of the tele while he's away and going to bed early. Having whatever food I wanted delivered and probably not doing any housework
I may have even let MIL come round on the last day of if I did want to get some cleaning done but otherwise I wouldn't bother because I am literally too busy looking after myself and an sick baby

But no, it is definitely not easy to look after an unwell baby. It is hard to find time to eat or do anything. Especially if it's their first illness. I have been with ds on my own every time he's been unwell and I am with you, it's not a walk in the park and takes a lot out of me. Unfortunately my dp works away the majority of the time so it is up to me and it so I am used to it but it does wipe me out as well usually on the 3/4th night of broken sleep. When he comes home I would be passing DC over to them and taking myself to bed to recoup.

I have to spend extra days take care of a man .
But see this bit - no you bloody well do NOT have to do this. Why do you think you should?

I don't think I would be pleased about all the trips close together (unless yous are a very sociable couple who enjoys that kind of thing)

What's the long weekend in Europe for?

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 15/10/2024 05:34

Thanks everyone for your quick reply and insights. It helps a lot.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 15/10/2024 05:47

I'd be pissed off and resentful tbh...especially about trip no 2!! Why isn't he taking you all away for a family holiday instead?

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 15/10/2024 05:54

And a few additional comments…

All away trips are for friends’ 40th bday .

About the taking care man bit - when he is in man flu he literally cannot function. As much as I don’t think I need to, he would just lie in bed do nothing to make himself better either.

about MIL, quite right to make the most of MIL help is to let her know what to help, but given first time I’m alone with baby I simply didn’t know what I need help. MIL has a tendency like to dump the other grandkids things to me whenever we met (even she would say if you won’t want it just throw away ) but even throw away sometimes we need to drive to the tip. This has been irritating and it’s one of the reasons I prefer not to meet. And unfortunate, I don’t think MIL can cook and she has always been live on ready meal. So before husband go away I couldn’t think of how MIL can help - if I know, yes would be happy to see her.

about equality of relationship, I would say we indeed are loving couple. Just we are not in sync that drove me nuts. He would be taking care on the bigger matters (he built nursery furniture all by himself , say) and I involved in the small stuff. But it’s the adding up of the small stuff that tired me out and when I voiced it , he would be amazed why I was so mad. He just got this man brain that don’t get it and made me even more frustrated .

OP posts:
Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 15/10/2024 05:58

malificent7 · 15/10/2024 05:47

I'd be pissed off and resentful tbh...especially about trip no 2!! Why isn't he taking you all away for a family holiday instead?

Thanks.

yes, I have to add that …. we both been a month overseas holiday to where my family is. The trip was must needed and a true break - I’ve got proper help from my mum and I could request anything without filter.

so I could see in his perspective , he had a month intense with his in-laws (my parents) not easy either.

So I had already had a month break but his Las Vegas trip and sick baby completely drained me.

OP posts:
Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 05:59

So he is behaving like a single man.
He doesn't think that having a young baby should alter his life style at all.
He thinks he can just go off doing what " lads " trips involve - drink,women and goodness knows what - while you are left looking after his child.
Quite frankly I'd rather be single than in a relationship with someone who obviously puts his own pleasure and his friends before his partner and child.

Savingthehedgehogs · 15/10/2024 06:00

You can just say no.

My dh and I do not do these types of trips with babies and toddlers, it’s hard enough at this stage. He should be at home supporting you.
He is not a child free lad, he is now a father with responsibilities.

It’s unfair to you. Are you going away with friends and leaving him with the baby for almost a week? Do not let the inequality set in now. It’s a no from now on until the baby is older and you can both go. Don’t have anymore children with this man op.

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 15/10/2024 06:00

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 05:59

So he is behaving like a single man.
He doesn't think that having a young baby should alter his life style at all.
He thinks he can just go off doing what " lads " trips involve - drink,women and goodness knows what - while you are left looking after his child.
Quite frankly I'd rather be single than in a relationship with someone who obviously puts his own pleasure and his friends before his partner and child.

Thanks. This is the feeling I got little bit, he got a baby and still go ahead with the lad trip. Or I would appreciate at least cut short so make a balance.

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 15/10/2024 06:03

A one off yes but not repeated trips away. Tbh you're being a bit dramatic about being alone with a 6 month old, you were offered help and refused it, no need to be a martyr.

Lottemarine · 15/10/2024 06:04

Sounds like he needs to grow up. He has a baby now and responsibilities. Fine to go out with his mates for a night out, but trip abroad to Vegas, urghh, nah I wouldn’t put up with it, especially if he doesn’t contact you whilst away.

Ive been the Vegas and it’s all about drinking, gambling and what else goes.

Set the boundaries and stick to them.

craftysnake · 15/10/2024 06:05

6 months

yiull be fine

Original poster
MumDaisy1980 · 15/10/2024 06:06

Savingthehedgehogs · 15/10/2024 06:00

You can just say no.

My dh and I do not do these types of trips with babies and toddlers, it’s hard enough at this stage. He should be at home supporting you.
He is not a child free lad, he is now a father with responsibilities.

It’s unfair to you. Are you going away with friends and leaving him with the baby for almost a week? Do not let the inequality set in now. It’s a no from now on until the baby is older and you can both go. Don’t have anymore children with this man op.

thanks!

for the next two trips definitely need some thoughts. He probably would responded as all are planned or paid for. Which would be tricky.

the staycation one I never said yes to it and he just go ahead signed us up. He do not understand I am constantly in a sleep deprived state.

OP posts:
Mt563 · 15/10/2024 06:08

You're not unreasonable to be overwhelmed and tired but you need to tell him it's too much. Not just expect him to work it out. For some people, this would be fine at 6 months, especially with the offer of help.

TheaBrandt · 15/10/2024 06:08

I think the initial trip is ok. Going on multiple single sex trips when children are at the tiny demanding stage begins to veer into unacceptable. Do you get equivalent time away from the family? Dh and I have the same numbers of single sex jollies or it’s simply not fair.

amothersinstinct · 15/10/2024 06:12

Sorry OP I think YABU you have one child you aren't working presumably and it's a few days. Really don't get this modern phenomena where mothers can't manage their child for a few days on their own

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/10/2024 06:15

Next time have mother in law come and take the child out for a walk or something so that you have some time to yourself.

go for easy and quick food options.

try plan some trips out of the house to break it up and eat out for lunch.

book something childfree in for yourself for the following weekend whilst your husband looks after the child.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 15/10/2024 06:15

amothersinstinct · 15/10/2024 06:12

Sorry OP I think YABU you have one child you aren't working presumably and it's a few days. Really don't get this modern phenomena where mothers can't manage their child for a few days on their own

Agree with this.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/10/2024 06:17

MumDaisy1980 · 15/10/2024 06:00

Thanks. This is the feeling I got little bit, he got a baby and still go ahead with the lad trip. Or I would appreciate at least cut short so make a balance.

Show quote history

Cutting it short doesn’t make sense for somewhere so far away and having a baby doesn’t mean that you can’t do any trips anymore, it’s just finding a way to make it work.

Twinkletwinklelil · 15/10/2024 06:18

My bil left my sister at home after a C-section a week after to go on a week long boys holiday …twice!! 😂

some men are just like this. My dh could never.. plus wouldn’t like to but I simply would move back to my moms and not come back lol

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