Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

Thanks!!
the truth is I want my me-time to stay home rather than out . But hearing him sometimes just leave baby to cry stressed me out a lot (and that’s scientifically proven - already told him but he just don’t get it)

Could he take baby for a few hours to MIL house?

If you have been in the house with baby a lot, I do think it would do you good to get out x

Good god. The baby is 6 months. Not a newborn. Good on your husband having time away. Nothing wrong with that. Apart from having a cold, I’ve no idea why you’ve no energy. That needs investigated because that’s extreme to feel that way normally. You sound like you’re not coping. Are you depressed? See a gp or hv for a chat but your husband has done nothing wrong.

You should be able to cope for 5 days as a one off (and have the same time for you too). But this will need planning when you are back at work.

You haven’t read the entire thread, have you?

You sound like a lovely person

Love mumsnet where people don’t read the full thread and try and diagnose strangers

Can he operate a computer for work because if so a washing machine isn’t any harder

i just wouldn’t wash his clothes he can figure it out

@OneDandyPoet no I admit I haven’t. Just the OP. If there’s more relevant info then apologies. But based on the initial post. No, Vegas trip is fine and I would see a gp/hv to discuss wellness for the OP. Not meant harshly. Typing quickly. Apologies if that’s how it came across but we should make space in our lives for individual time with our friends and we don’t all have to be at home every night when we have children but I know there are mumsnetters that think we should be joined at the hip to our partners and children. I would challenge that view.

Which is fine but if you read her posts he doesn’t do the same for her

Yes you absolutely have to have a serious chat with him about stepping up. No way should he not know how to do baby stuff. But you need to allow him make mistakes too and not dictate how it's done too much. A good steep learning curve is to just leave the house and not come back for a few hours! Or sleep elsewhere with ear plugs in for a few nights.

I think give him 48 hours at home before the big chat. I'm not defending his laziness but after a flight like that jet lag is very real and i don't think leaving him alone at night with a baby is a good idea until he has recovered. Also he won't take in all the information and you may only end up arguing.

@Tiswa ooh. I like my time away with my friends too. I think it’s really good for couples to have time apart from the family unit with their friends. Maybe I wouldn’t have left my baby so young though but my husband would’ve and that’s ok. I understand the difference. I was the main care giver in those early days of mat leave. It evened out once I was back at work and he became more confident then.

how did we get to women being trafficked?

I absolutely agree, in that, partners don’t need to be joined at the hip. But that’s not what the post is about and that is not what the OP is talking about. She’s married to a man child, who frequently goes on holidays with his mates, and when he is around does hardly anything other than, that one time, when he built some furniture, for his child. He also volunteers his mum to step in, when he is away on his very important lad holidays. The OP a brand new mother herself, is struggling and just wants more support and input from him, the father of the child.

I think you should research Weaponised Incompetence. It sounds exactly what he is doing. You also need to sit down with him and have a conversation where you communicate with each other. You need to explain where he needs to step up and what the consequences are when he doesn't. You also need to be prepared that some men are sh*tty and if you can deal with this for the rest of your life.

I really want to voice that him and baby to stay in living room overnight so I could have a night alone. But next I would need to spell out everything. What clothes to wear , when to change nappy all the details that tired me out also. I wonder if any other new father also need to be told every step. Sigh.

Absolutely not normal. When we had our baby, DH had to teach ME how to change a nappy as I hadn't changed one in the first 5 days after my c section. I was establishing breastfeeding so he had done almost everything else. He also regularly takes the baby to sleep in another room so I can get some proper deep sleep and brings him to me to feed only. Overall, I still know more about the baby and do more because that's how it is when they are small. But your DH should WANT to do as much as he can to take care of his wife and child.

I don't want to make you feel worse but your DH is horrible. I understand why you are upset. Don't be afraid to say no. Stand up for yourself. You don't need to go along with everything. It may lead to a breakup but you can't change him. And really this relationship isn't worth saving if he is this horrible to you and your baby, is it?

Lots of posters ignoring the fact that the OP and her husband and baby have just come back from a month abroad with her parents.
Are all of you happy to spend a month with your in laws?

What’s that got to do with anything? So, what “it’s pay back time” for having spent all this time with OPs parents, as a way to justify him flying off for some fun, and then when he is home, not really pulling his weight, even after she has told him that she is struggling? Isn’t he meant to be a grown up in all of this?

Then he definitely needs a break 😀

Great question ! 😆

At 6 months with second and third I had zero energy cos my babies didn’t sleep. They were better as newborns than then. I don’t think it needs investigating. She’s a new mum and she’s doing it solo and she’s tired.

Thanks again for the messages.

just a little update… things are in the right direction..nevertheless we are both new parents so both of us not knowing when or what help we really need until things got out of hands.

as said I had received a message from husband saying on his return he would help with everything and his tone sounded recharged. I was pessimistic about it. When he back (with a heavy partied voice), he very much wanted to involve. But surprisingly all the things that I wanted him to do gone blank, as in there is just too much. I told him I didn’t even know where to start. I also couldn’t help to have a mental breakdown. He realised it’s too much for me. And the trip gave him the opportunity to share the wives post partnum experience among his mates . After the trip he seemed a bit enlightened and telling me one of his friend wife suffer depression and eventually go for counselling. He then say we should go. That wasn’t the right solution but he seem more understanding than before the trip.

i took some of your advice as in gave him room for rest and saying what I want for tonight (alone in my bedroom even though he needs to work tomorrow). And we need to talk about long term on this. Funny that as soon as I mention long term, he took it as if I meant separation and stuff and he got nervous. He said what long term. And I said tonight let’s not talk too heavy and get through the night first. He agree with everything and even said the rest of the October trips that he planned and paid for could cancel. He said he see me being understanding to support him for mates 40th but if it’s clear I am not ok just let him know.

This evening the level of step up was unseen, I simply said for tonight I want you to do everything . I don’t know where to start. And he said OK. He autopilot almost on every step. I no need to give step by step instruction to cook a meal (he is not very good in the kitchen). He managed to just look in the fridge and came up with sth. He also completely remove baby from me, that’s mean he did both cooking and playing with baby at the same time. He offered me water regularly without me asking. Well maybe for him, the one month in-laws trip wasn’t a really break. He definitely look more refreshed and recharged after spent time with friends.

on the other hand the baby cold get worst. It’s way pass his bedtime and he started new cold symptoms like coughing and sneezing. I tried to step back even I heard quite unsettle baby and I could sense at the moment husband trying hard to settle the baby.

Thanks again everyone for your input.

Yes exactly! No thanks. A whole hour is hard enough 😂

It all depends...
If I was on maternity leave with one baby then no issues at all, but if I was working I would find it more difficult. Tbh it can actually be quite nice to just do things at your own pace without DP there!

I’ve voted YABU because you need to dump him not tolerate this inconsiderate behaviour.