Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

You should be bloody ‘giving permission’ OP (or not!) you’ve got a small child now, life is different.

Ever since we had kids we have a shared calendar now and if anyone wants to do anything that leaves the other parent solo there’s a proper conversation about it ‘hey, that weekend looks free and I’ve been invited to X but how does that week feel for you?’ etc - especially when they were babies and sleep wasn’t happening!

You absolutely can say no, OP. Not every man goes on multiple lads trips, I can count on one hand how many DH has done in the last 5 years.

I wouldn't have a problem at all but then again I would also go away with friends at some time too. OP you are choosing not to leave your child so you can have a break, but you can't expect your partner to be the same.

I would have found this very hard with my first child and don’t think you are being unreasonable. Every baby is different and some are harder than others. I would ask him to stop going away so much. Can your mother come and stay with you if it happens again? I also understand that it’s worrying to deal with a sick baby on your own and they sleep less when congested and fuss more when awake. I hope he gives you a break when he gets back.

@Lifeisarealchallenge
I'm not the only one pointing out the attitude of not being able to manage your own child, some of us have no choice, so yes it's annoying to see endless posts of I can't cope bathing and bedding my child without a man present.
Being a parent doesn't mean being a martyr and giving up
everything outside of 'family time'

Modern phenomena? Do mean like she should behave like it’s 1954, where men were completely hands off, in regards to child rearing, because they “provided”, so didn’t need be an involved in the day to day rearing of their own children? Times have moved on. It takes 2 people to make a baby and 2 people are responsible for that child. The moment you have a child your party days are over, but clearly the OPs party didn’t get the memo.

OP I would be really angry at this behaviour. You need to speak up for yourself and tell him that this selfish behaviour is unacceptable, otherwise your child is going to grow up watching this dynamic, between you and your husband, and believe that it is is acceptable to treat women like this. But it’s not. You should be a team, and not be treated like his skivvy.

My husband is a a strong and active man, he has friends and hobbies. He has never left me at home with the children over night.

I on the other hand as primary carer have taken a few over night trips to rest and reenergise.

this lads holiday things is bullshit
the time for that has passed.

I dunno. Can she?

This. First half of your post, I thought you were making a fuss about nothing. 5 days parenting a six month old is tiring but most would be fine with it to support a partner having a special trip. However, I would expect to be in a regular message contact and a few phone calls, because that would be normal for us.
The repeat trips later in the year would start to become annoying. When do you get your fun? When does he parent on his own? How much family money is being spent on all this?
Seems like life has only changed post baby for one of you.

Never? Ever? Never had ill parents? Never had work away? Never had friendships to cultivate

sounds like a loser

@Lifeisarealchallenge @OnaBegonia Id just like to add that I think it comes down to communication between the two people. If a woman IS struggling for whatever reason, then it's her responsibility to communicate this to her partner and not just complain about it after the fact. That is mildly irritating.
Speaking as a single mum I think it's important to remember that 5 days might seem intimidating if you aren't used to it. Just like first-time mums often think things are hard or complicated and that life stops after a baby, but after their second or third they look back and realise how easy having one child was.

But she isn't a single mother is she?
.
I don't understand the view expressed by some single mothers that because they have to cope alone women in a relationship, and with the reasonable expectation their partner should be behaving like a responsible parent, are somehow " wimps" .

YABU because you agreed to the trip & it’s not reasonable in my opinion to expect him to cut it short because you should be able to cope for a few days on your own with one baby. He has travelled a long way & presumably spent a lot of money just getting there, it’s not reasonable to expect him to change his flights during the trip. Plus how would that make him look in front of his friends? Foolish I imagine.

Time to have a good talk when he comes home about how hard you found it and how you don’t want him booking any more trips away for a while. But for things already booked or the trip he’s currently on, better to cope the best you can and not be too negative.

A bit of compassion and kindness never hurt anybody..
everyone deals differently

The inability to cope with minor issues is staggering to me. You even turned down help from his mother when offered. I do not understand how some seem unable to cope with a child alone it's so weird especially considering there are so many single parents around who cope with this all the time.

YANBU. This is your first child who is only 6 months old, your husband is being incredibly selfish. Pregnancy and caring for a baby takes such a toll, physically and emotionally, and it’s so personal. Not every woman finds parenthood easy and many take much longer to adapt to a new normal, because parenthood is hard, esp if you’ve experienced other factors for example a traumatic birth, no local support, a baby with colic, or post natal depression.

Your husband should be supporting you, and caring for your child, 50/50 not living the single life. It sounds to me he is expecting you and the baby to fit in around his own social calendar. You need to speak up and stop worrying about sounding controlling, you’re overwhelmed and he needs to put you both first. The mother in law is not a substitute for him. I would suggest a family holiday instead.

I can only imagine the responses on here if you were asking if it’s ok for you to take so many trips away. Take care.

I’d say you need to address your child waking every 2 hours and get more organised.

My husband went on a 5 day work trip to Thailand when our first son was 7 months old, one week after I started a new job!

This comment is not helpful. It's not that easy to get some children sleeping. My youngest didn't sleep through till she was 2.

Can your mother come over at all to give you additional help when he's away?

I don't necessarily think a long weekend when they're 6 months old is an issue. But several weekends away over a short period sounds too much.

@TheOpalMoose
The OP has just come back from a month's holiday overseas to visit her parents. It was a family holiday. The OP needed to spend time with her family ( she won't even have her MIL over for an afternoon). She admits it was hard for her husband to have a month staying with her parents. They are not easy( her words) .
It is give and take I think. If the OP was prepared to accept a morning's help from her MIL, it might help give them all a stronger sense of family. I agree with the OP having some time to herself. It would be good for her husband to be responsible for the baby. I imagine though she will not like it if he takes the baby to see his mum even though she had a month with her family.

This. Martyr was the first word I thought of too.

You declined help.
You didn’t tell your partner you specifically didn’t want him to go.

6 months isn’t newborn.

It sounds as if the OP has so much resentment. She misses her family and her husband's mum irritates her. Her husband might feel driven out after spending a month with her family. More understanding on both sides might help them feel like a family in their own right.

This. I truly don't get it. Your child is 6 months old, you only have 1 but can't cope for 5 days on your own?

Plus, your mil offered to help, but you refused her help

I think you're making a martyr of yourself and are being unreasonable

YANBU.
I think a few of people on this thread forget that "a 6 months old" isn't "their kid at 6 months old".

5 days on my own with my eldest at that age, I would have been having a nervous breakdown too! He was screaming and whining 50% of the time during the day, only napping on our laps so i was stuck for hours on the sofa unable to cook or make a cup of tea, and waking up for 1h+ at least twice a night. It was a horrible age and I couldn't wait for my husband to come back from work and take over in the evening.

With my youngest, no problem! She was super easy.

OP, you need to tell him you need help, and that it's too may trips this year.
But you also have to compromise with how that help is given, so find a way to make it work with MIL. Maybe agree how she can help before she comes? Then it's up to her to agree, but I found that my MIL wasn't comfortable enough with me to be proactive so she needed a bit of guidance.
Another option is to get a babysitter for a few hours if you are comfortable with that.

I love my in-laws, but not sure I’d relish a month with them! I think your husband has been pretty accommodating, especially as you won’t even tolerate your child’s grandmother for an afternoon.

40th birthdays are surely a one-off. I think it’s important to have some time to yourself and see your friends. It needs to be discussed though. I’m not sure why it being a lad’s holiday is getting so much vitriol? I often have weekends away with my female friends. Am I not allowed these now I have a child?

A one off stag do/ golfing weekend / boys weekend when the baby is 6 months should be fine. My DH did, I only remember because he got stuck when the ash cloud stopped all planes.

I would expect a present when he’s back and I would expect some pretty big time off myself (even if time to just go for a few long walks) in return, as when my babies were 6 months I didn’t want to leave them for a long weekend.

I would completely ignore any man flu, tiredness or hangover.

I would not be happy with multiple 40th birthday holidays though. Even if it was stag dos I’d expect him to pick just one or two. Same as I wouldn’t go on multiple trips away from my family, even with the older DC.

My ex travelled for work, first trip after dd2 was born was when she was 9 days old for 5 nights and I had a non verbal toddler in addition (later diagnosed with autism). Gently it's just 4 nights and your baby is 6 months old! How do you think single mums cope?