Angry my husband is going to Las Vegas leaving me with 1st child 6 months old

[MumDaisy1980]

It’s our first child 6 month old.
he is away for 5 days 4 nights but been downplaying saying long weekend.
it’s for his friend 40th birthday. It’s a lad trip.
when he asked me if he could to the trip go long time ago, I already had reservation about it. It’s our first child so I wouldn’t know what to expect , in terms on the toll on me. I am not one of those partners who give permission either. I simply said oh the child will be 6 month old by then, like he need to use his common sense to decide go or not.
Today is the 5th day, last day of his trip, turned out it’s really a lot on me. I could hardly cook for myself in past few days, so running in low energy and 3 nights of waking every 2 hours. It’s first time my child catch a cold so I was tremendously worry and didn’t know what to do. Now I am absolutely under the weather. And in my mind I do not understand how he could choose to be away.
besides he sent one message asking how’s it going (in fact a bit unusual as he not usually message at all when go on lad trip). The message I felt like really is asking how’s son rather than me.
his mum did offer to visit one day while he away, but I politely decline. No issue with MIL, but just one of those things never match and I not prefer her company. He did tell his mum I may need help while he is away (which I had never asked for it). I feel more work to do than really helping. Not that I could ask MIL to help clean around the house while I play with baby. Probably the other way round of she play with baby while I am hosting or chatting away (using up my energy).

if anyone could share some insight would be helpful. Why lads have to go overseas trip regularly? Can’t they just meet up an evening to catch up ? When they meet have to go all the way out and came back tired or sick so I have to spend extra days take care of a man .

in October he got plenty of 40th to celebrate …
he will be away for a staycation (it’s like a couple gathering ) and I never say going and he just signed up for it. But I would never leave my child with any grandparents so he going to pay his mum to come along. I felt like would it be reasonable for a friend bday to bring whole fam and mum to go. Sounded a bit ridiculous to me and his friend has no children for sure he couldn’t understand how demanding it is to just leave the door with an infant.

then he is away again end of the month for another ‘long’ weekend in Europe. I felt like he should stick to 2 days 1 night given this Las Vegas experience one me. AIBU?!?!

thank you

on brink of breakdown

This is all very passive aggressive. He literally asked you if you were ok with him going. If you had been honest about your feelings then, this wouldn’t be an issue. You have also declined help while he was away.

I don’t personally see what is hard about parenting alone for a few days - it does suck that baby has their first cold, that’s unlucky! Also, it’s not just men that get to go on overnight trips and have fun with their friends. This now gives leverage for you to do the same! Take his example as inspiration. I believe that all couples need time away from home, especially when kids are small - you can get so bogged down in domesticity and all the stress of doing it all that you lose your fun, old self otherwise. Can you not take inspiration from his example go on your own trip at some point (I understand you may not want to leave your baby at 6 months but maybe when they are older?)

But why the judgement? Everyone is different, and it’s not the mothering endurance olympics. Clearly the OP needs the father of her child around, in stead of putting up and shutting up.

I don't understand 'lads holidays' or 'girls holidays', when you're married/in a long-term committed relationship and have children. No one says you can't see friends. However, disappearing for the weekend/days at a time for a jolly seems odd behaviour. Why is it necessary? The expense for a start. Most families don't have surplus income for such occasions and especially not several. Leaving one partner to carry the load, whilst the other is boozing it up for days on end, to me is rather immature. Didn't 'lads' and 'girls' holidays start with single late teen/20s people who went away to booze and bang random people?!!! I understand at nearly 50, I am from a totally different generation and maybe this is normal couple behaviour nowadays. I wouldn't dream of swanning off for 5 days with my female friends...it wouldn't seem right. I see my friends in the day time or evening for a catch-up, boozy night etc. Having to go away for your job, is totally different, my husband had to do this occasionally. You need to have a chat with your partner, and explain how you feel.

I'm always surprised by how horrible people can be on Mumsnet. It's not okay that husband is taking multiple jollies and leaving OP literally holding the baby. And it's not just about that either. Husband is spending A LOT of money on these trips and presumably using up all his time off work. That's not the actions of a family man and that is not a partnership. Sorry sweetheart but if at 40 he doesn't know how to balance his desires with his responsibilities then you are not in for a fun ride. If there's money start keeping private savings now.

I don’t think that at all and I appreciate your point. I do think that one parent should be capable of looking after a 6 month alone for a few days. I absolutely also believe that the other parent should get a reciprocal trip away should they want it.

Yes, can you imagine the out cry if she was the one going to Las Vegas for a “long weekend”, and subsequently girls holidays, through out the year?!

I loved it when it was just me and ds. Lazy days, no one else to cook for, just walks, napping etc. What's not to love?

To be honest, I cannot see why you couldn’t manage a 6 month old for a few days.

If it was a regular thing, then no. But a one off for him doesn’t seem unreasonable. 🤷‍♀️

Be honest with him tell him how you are feeling and get him to step up and look after the baby while you sleep (if he can use his annual leave for trips he can for this) just because other cope or even by 6 months you should be able to (and cope is an interesting word because what it means is you can deal with it but not that you should or have too - or that it is fair)

take some time for yourself and explain that as a family things need to change and plans made differently

It sounds as if he’s got a group of friends where this is the norm. My DH would rather have chewed off his own arm than go on a lads’ holiday, and the same goes for my DS, who’s in his early 20s and therefore prime lads’ holiday territory.

Leaving you at home with a six-month-old for a special occasion is OK, and I’m sure you’d have been fine if the baby hadn’t become sick. I would be cross about the multiple trips though. You are being perfectly reasonable in assuming that a month with the ILs probably didn’t feel like a holiday to him, but a family man should want to be with his family more than a bunch of friends.

Unfortunately (in the sense that lack of it would make priorities much more straightforward) money doesn’t seem to be an issue. He’s just got to grow up.

YANBU. Can I ask, if the shoe was on the other foot and you had a friend's 40th to go to, how would he react? It sounds like he's taking you for granted a bit of he's planning more trips like this. Talk to him and make it clear how tiring it was.

Some of us like family life and aren't looking to escape from it?

Women are passive aggressive about saying no because posters on Mumsnet always make women who say "no" seem controlling. The guy is forty with family responsibilities can he f**k go on a world tour to Vegas and then onto Europe without taking his family with him. He should appreciate this without needing his wife to say "no" like his mum. What sort of relationship is it that he doesn't want his wife with him to celebrate?

Ultimately sacrifices are made when you have a family and those sacrifices are that significant purchases and downtime are for the family not for yourself, even if it is your birthday.

Ahh, I do sympathise. But I think tiredness, etc might be colouring your thinking - but I understand why. Life shouldn't stop when you have a kid. If this was a frequent thing then fair enough to be pissed off but sounds like a special occasion. dh carried on going on a sporting holiday once a year after dd was born. But I also had the odd weekend away with friends and went away for a month when she was about 6yo. I know you might not want a trip away yet as she's so little but at some point you might.

When he gets back tell him you're knackered and put your feet up! If you want to ask him to make the next trip a bit shorter then ask him.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong. Life doesn’t stop for children. He asked you if he could go, he lined up help, you were rested from an extended holiday, he didn’t know the baby was going to be sick.

DH travels for work, he re-started when DD was 8 weeks. Some years he was off 6-8 times, others just 3-4.

You manage. It's not easy and the house was often a mess but I concentrate on getting through the day, being out, eating easy food (we learnt to have some stuff in the freezer I can just bung into the microwave) or I plannned an trip over lunch and went a cafe.

While I do understand that a holiday is different from a work trip, it's about taking it easy yourself and ensuring you have time to relax and recover from being "on" the whole time when he is back.

I actually found the time when I was on maternity leave a lot easier than when I started work again and had to juggle childcare pick-ups as well.

I personally wouldn't mind occasional trips. My DH often works away so I coped with my babies alone quite frequently (no family nearby either) - but your partner has two or three trips in one month? That's not normal!
I'd be fed up with that.

This ^^
Goodness knows how my mother and others managed with 3 kids under 5.
Dads went to war. Dads are in the military and go away. My dad worked away.
Mothers just got on with it.
You need to talk to your husband and establish ground rules from now on as it’s bothering you so much.
If he is disagreeable about boundaries and ground rules, I suggest you do not have another child with this man who thinks he’s still a “bachelor with benefits.”

Does he go on "lads holidays" when it's not his friend's 40ths?

I do have sympathy for you but at the same time if it's just for these special occasions I'd probably be fine with it. If it's a more regular thing then I wouldn't be happy.

Also, you should be able to plan stuff so you can get out/get away. I think it would do you good too.

I know you said MIL brings stuff over but really is that an issue when you need help? Even if she looks after the baby while you have a sleep/shower etc.

When my husband is away I just stock up on nice M&S meals so I'm not having to cook etc.

Hope you feel better soon x

It's a learning experience. Now you know for next time what you would need help with.

I really don't think it's the end of the world for him to go away a couple of times. My DH and I take it in terms to go away. He owes you big time! Cash it in when the time is right :)

He doesn't have a "man brain", you seem to be struggling with communication and expect everyone to read your mind. If he is surprised at you being mad it's because you actually waited to get mad before speaking to him rather than asking for help early on. And it doesn't take effort to say "Thank you, MIL but I don't want you to bring all this stuff for us. We don't need it and we don't have time to go to the tip" rather than just cit contact for a very trivial reason.
"I would never leave a baby with any grandparents" is also a strange statement. essentially, it seems as though you are determined to be a martyr and determined to not address issues and expect everyone to read your mind. You better get out of this funk now before you find yourself being overwhelmed.
Your husband can't function when ill and just lying in bed? So what? He managed to survive somehow without your assistance until he met you.

If your not happy speak out don't be a door mat....but I'd have no issue about one 5 day trip...I was back at work full time by then.
All the trips are mad he's not acting like a dad ...it's a lot of holiday allowance used up that should be family time....not to mention the money.
I'm confused about the cot/ nursery....do you mean he says the one offs and odd jobs like mowing and decorating are his fair share whilst you do all daily stuff?.... because it's not childcare is full on 24/7 he needs to do more.

It all depends on the baby. I would have struggled alone at 6 months with mine. I would have managed but been frazzled as he didn't sleep, nap and wouldn't be put down. I prepared my breakfast and a sandwich for the next day while DH held him after work. It was hard to even shower without DH being home. Not all babies nap and are content to be put down. I would have supported the Vegas trip but not the rest. I'm surprised that the group hasn't just organised one big 40th melee for the lot like most groups would. The comparisons to single mothers are unfair. Life happens and we have to deal with what us thrown our way but mothers with partners generally expect to work as a team. It is sensible and reasonable, not weak.

Just to add op, you say you are from overseas. Do you have a good friend circle here?

About the taking care man bit - when he is in man flu he literally cannot function. As much as I don’t think I need to, he would just lie in bed do nothing to make himself better either.

Let him lie in bed. Don’t go up every 2 hours to check how he is or if he needs a drink. Literally leave him there at 8am, come back at 8pm asking “how did your day go darling”. If you had the flu, you’d have to function. Unless someone is having high temperatures, body shaking etc, a slightly sick adult is capable to getting up 3 times in a day to get some food, refill their water and use the loo. And he definitely doesn’t need you keeping him company because let me guess, you’re also expected to do that so that he doesn’t feel lonely or bored.

I think you're being melodramatic. It was 5 days, not 5 months away.

Your baby is 6 months old, hardly a toddler tearing about the place causing chaos!

Lots of women raise children with their partners away for long periods with work. I had 3 under 3 and my husband worked away for long periods, you just suck it up and get on with it.

I suspect this is more about you not liking that he was off having fun, whilst you're left holding the baby. Its important to both get time away, you can take weekends away too.