AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

We always host and pay for everything and my lardass bro sits around scoffing and drinking as much as possible. Really not looking forward to running around after him and his family again this year.... They live miles away and in a tiny house... also him and his GF don't work so have no money to contribute. He literally will not get his arse off the sofa and we have to hide food and drink so other people get some!

The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't... I just hate feeling begrudging. Like I want to want to be generous and welcoming... I want to enjoy hosting!

Host your mum but not your brother?

Have your mum over but not brother and family. I think that's fair enough.

Your free loading brother and his family are not invited this year, unfortunately.

She will want to see all the grandchildren together and my kids will want to see their cousins.

So? Your house, your rules. I'm sure your brother can organise some other events outside of Xmas day, elsewhere. No? Oh well, what a shame.

You are actually choosing to martyr yourself, otherwise.

"Hi Lardarse, Just advance notice that we're having a quiet Christmas with just Mum this year. You might want to have her round to yours at New Year, perhaps..."

Book Christmas dinner out somewhere? Then you can avoid running around after him and he can pay his share

So it's not just about your mum then...

Ok so what I'd do is have a Christmas get-together earlier in the month instead. Just a weekend thing, no big dinner etc. Instead do a buffet of Christmassy foods/treats. Cousins can all see each other, mum will be happy and then you can have a quiet, chilled, cosy and actually happy Christmas Day. Best of both worlds.

I would LOVE to do this - they have no money... they don't work.

You seem to want to host your freeloader brother and family - if you don't, don't.

But it's pointless starting a thread and then arguing with people who are supporting you in not hosting him.

So? You tell them that's the plan, they decline because they have no money, win win

Could you all meet In the middle of the homes, sometime over the holidays and go somewhere for afternoon and then just have your mum for dinner?

I think I often choose to martyr myself... spot on.

Do you want solutions? You’re fine inviting your mum and not your brother’s family. If your mum won’t come without them she doesn’t come either, she can host them or they can host her. It’s not complicated.

The martyrdom game is just stupid, frankly. Don't do it. I never have, and unsurprisingly, I always have stress-free, happy Christmases.

You could invite only your mum. Or you could talk to him about it: tell him new way this year: he needs to contribute financially or directly by buying eg the booze, and also in effort, eg he needs to cook a course or do the clearing up. Invite them for one night only, they arrive Xmas morning, leave after breakfast Boxing Day. Don’t be afraid to tell him you’re sick of hosting, want to please your mum and for the kids to see each other, but this is your limit so he needs to take or leave it.

Why aren’t either of them working? How do they get away with that?

I would want to tell them you can’t afford it this year but if you have niece/nephews then I’d feel like I had to go ahead so they have a nice day. As a minimum I’d tell them they need to contribute.

Why don't they work? How many kids do they have?

I'd go with a casual gathering on Boxing Day.

Just invite your mum! She can make plans to see your brother and his family separately.

Can you invite your mum for the whole day and your brother and family come over late afternoon and put on a buffet. You'll all have eaten plenty during the day so it can be a light meal and just put out what you want them to have. That way your mum is happy but it cuts right down on your hosting duties and means you don't have to deal with the guilt!

I think if I went ahead and had them over it would be a basic roast only. Hide all of your Christmas snacks and alcohol etc.

I don’t see why they should be able to freeload their way through life, it’s teaching their kids an awful example but you’re all playing along with their behaviour and making it look acceptable. Someone has to step in and say enough is enough.

3 kids. They have never worked - both stay at home parents. They own their house outright so no mortgage... not really sure what they live on!

It isn't your job to facilitate your mum seeing all her grandchildren and your kids seeing their cousins. I am sure they will all survive. Think of yourself for a change. You cannot enjoy Christmas if you are simmering with resentment. Just tell your brother that things are a bit tight this year so you are not doing a big family Christmas. People are very thick skinned. He probably thinks you enjoy it.

I'm just reading up on "overcoming martyr complex"... bloody hell I am textbook 😭

So how many people/families are you regularly hosting
Could you get away with saying you are having a quiet one this year ,and just invite your mum .
Other people can see each other over Christmas,with out the expectations of you paying for all the food like you would on Christmas day .
Your brother is perfectly capable of cooking a Christmas dinner at his house and you could visit him in the new year .
Don't be pressured in to what you don't want
It suits everyone to have you organise the food and host ,it lets them all of the hook ,so there will be push back to you making changes
But if you do it now ,in plenty of time ,they all have chance to make different plans