AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

We always host and pay for everything and my lardass bro sits around scoffing and drinking as much as possible. Really not looking forward to running around after him and his family again this year.... They live miles away and in a tiny house... also him and his GF don't work so have no money to contribute. He literally will not get his arse off the sofa and we have to hide food and drink so other people get some!

The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't... I just hate feeling begrudging. Like I want to want to be generous and welcoming... I want to enjoy hosting!

Does your SIL help? Cook a course?

But its not up to you to make that happen ...

They might be living in a mortgage free house because they manage to freeload off everyone else!

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.
At some point you have to overcome the guilt at not giving your mum everything she wants at Christmas - she's raised this lazy bastard, it's not your job to pick up her baton and let it continue!

Once you say no the first time, it does get easier. View it as modelling good examples for your children, so they don't grow up letting others take the piss.

😂Oh yes let's see if there's another woman to rope in, to facilitate this arsehole brother's slobbishness.

The problem with this though is, as OP has explained, brother will turn up with the cheapest asda frozen trifle and one cider as his "contribution" and then eat all the nice stuff op has bought.

telling them "there won't be much alcohol" - what happens if she or her dh want a drink - if they open a nice bottle of wine or pour themselves a rum how does she stop brother and sil from pouring themselves a glass or taking a slice of the expensive cake she bought for her family? Smack their hands away? That's just going to cause an atmosphere. How does she explain to a 5 year old nephew that his cousin gets a yummy chocolate pudding but he isn't allowed any, or that they get meat with their dinner but he doesn't because his dad didn't bring any?

Either she also has to limit herself and her whole family have a rubbish Christmas meal with the cheapest possible food and one drink each all day (which given shes said she enjoys treating her family and having nice stuff - which is fair enough at christmas! will just be a bit shit) or she will be constantly on the look out that they aren't eating her "nice" stuff - either way it will lead to resentment.

You can't just "tell" people like this that they need to contribute and expect them to do so fairly and appropriately - if they had that sort of self awareness and decency they wouldn't take the piss in the first place.

And even if they bought some food OP will still be the one running round doing all the cooking and cleaning.

If she tries a "compromise" then the onus will be all on her to constantly enforce the new boundaries, again and again, all day, while everyone else is trying to override them because "it's Christmas, are you really going to deny your own brother a beer?" "Who cares who brought what, we're all family arent we?" Etc.
Her mum, brother and his family have an interest in maintaining the status quo - they aren't going to suddenly see the error of their ways and become decent people, theyll pay lip service to it to get her off their backs and then just act exactly the same as always.

OP, I agree with everyone who has said that the family gathering doesn't have to be on Christmas Day with all the associations and aggravations.

Your brother has no impetus to change an arrangement that works so well for him and his family.

You're probably already reconciled to funding an entire meal if you go to Wetherspoons | similar for their Christmas Special (1 to 2 weeks in advance) but it probably would meet your mother's desire to see everyone together on one day and be less irritating for you in many ways. She would be unreasonable to insist that the mass gathering has to be Christmas Day. Christmas Day lunch with you and then tea at your brother's sounds like a good plan, whether the tea is on Christmas Day or Boxing Day is up to them.

Meal out and all pay for their own.

OP why do you think you don’t deserve a nice Christmas too?

Ask brother to.pick her up and take her to husband house for a couple of hours.
I would otherwise ask him to bring x, y, z ... tell him you can't afford to keep paying for everything a d even if you could, it's simply not fair.

P24 I hear you! For many years I hosted .and made sure Mum had a good Christmas .She enjoyed herself hugely .She would always insist on buying some Crackers or Christmas cake and so on ,or would often give me £ 10.00 "towards costs" Bless her .She has been gone many years now, and Christmas we always miss her ,(Also she died on the 19th Dec!)I am cheered by happy memories and her being here with us.I dont think you will regret having put her first. For OP I would still carry on ,Christian charity and all that.Also although DB seems a CF maybe he is struggling ? If not at work he will not have a huge income .If it makes Mum happy continue for now . Ask him for some Quality Street or whatever.and cut down a little ,on your food , maybe get a nice frozen Turkey .own brand pud/cake and some Baileys. supermarket Beers /crisps whatever.Have a rest boxing day and bring out the Good Stuff then!

Christmas is one of the few times I see my (large) family together.

I don't host as my house simply cannot house them all so we tend to go to my dbro/sil, but everyone pitches in.

Tell you brother you want a more relaxed Christmas this year and time to spend with your own children too as you are find the pressure too much and give him a list of things he and his family are responsible for -

Bringing desserts (making a trifle isn't expensive)
Veg prep in the morning or evening before
Washing up after
Clearing kitchen and putting bins out
Making breakfast/supper.......
etc............

Sometimes people feel they are overstepping or interfering if they do try to help.

If he says no then tell him then you need to reduce numbers as it is too much for you to do alone and you don't get to enjoy Christmas.

Pick a spot with a suitable outdoor space for the kids if your mum is well enough for a bit of a walk if the weather is fair and afternoon tea somewhere.

Boxing Day lunch or even the 27th since they don't work is a good way out of it. Something to do 'Twixtmas and no pressure to produce a full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings and faff.

And I would be straight with your brother. You're not hosting this year. [If pressed then simply say it's exhausting, he doesn't contribute financially or physically in any way to lighten the workload of the day and takes advantage of your good nature and your hospitality. You will feel so much better] They are welcome on X day to do Y between the hours of A & B.

I think I feel sad about this because I would love to host and enjoy having everyone around - but I just feel bitter about his attitude. And my mums enablement of his behaviour.
Maybe this runs deeper than Christmas (always does right?)....

I am going to keep reading up on martyr syndrome and how to set boundaries.

Nothing is in place for Christmas, yet, and I have time to discuss with my Dh and the kids and work out what is best for ME and for US.

Christmas can be so magical - but it can also magnify family / personal issues...

Big girl pants on. Thanks everyone. Literally amazing advice and support and understanding x

I would do a Christmas eve tea and exchange presents then send your brother on his way and let mum stay over

Tell them you are needing to cut back due to the cost of living and you can't afford to feed everyone a full works Christmas meal so thought this was quit a suitable alternative - you never know, he might offer to cough up some money towards a Christmas dinner, and then tell him he will also be on washing up duties - oh, and it a BYOB

? You need to speak to your brother and ask for a contribution towards food.
I appreciate that you want to make your mum happy and this solution might lessen your understandable resentment.
To be a SAHP with no mortgage is a luxury and a rarity IMO

Thanks for your update a few minutes ago and stay strong.

If your children miss their cousins, explaining to them why (in an age appropriate way) could be a valuable lesson to them not to accept freeloaders and lazy people.

Definitely!

And let them know now, so they've got time to make other arrangements, or, if they end up coming to you, to stay in a nearby hotel and only join you for the main meal. And tell him what his chores will be on the day, if he does come. Write it down - don't worry about offending or patronising him.

what would happen if you said they have to host?

or they have to do the cooking at your home?

Out of interest, what kind of Christmas would brother provide if he stayed at home. I'm sure he would find money to feed himself and family - and maybe not just cheap stuff. If his mortgage is paid off then there must be money coming in so he's just a freeloader and can sit comfortably knowing he or his missus doesn't have to lift a finger or spend any money. These kind of freeloaders make my blood boil. Christmas should be everyone pulling together.

Either just host your mum or tell your brother you're struggling financially so they'd have to contribute on the food before Christmas. No money by November or they make excuses,don't host them.

Ridiculous, I would not be having him over at all. Also confused how they can doss around not working and get away with it.

Probably make a habit of letting everyone pay for everything all the time,hence being able to pay for their house lol. Most wealthy people are tight arses.

Book a Harvester or something a few days before Christmas, everyone pays for themselves and just have your mum Christmas day.

How do they own their own house outright with no mortgage if they have never worked?

For the sake of your mum and the cousins, I would invite them for the afternoon on Christmas Eve and do a simplified but lovely buffet supper. Ask them to bring the desert but have a lovely home made trifle or something hidden away for after they have left. If BiL finds it, tell him….. no! that’s for tomorrow.
Then book yourself a lovely Christmas Day lunch out for you all and your mum.