AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

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We always host and pay for everything and my lardass bro sits around scoffing and drinking as much as possible. Really not looking forward to running around after him and his family again this year.... They live miles away and in a tiny house... also him and his GF don't work so have no money to contribute. He literally will not get his arse off the sofa and we have to hide food and drink so other people get some!

The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't... I just hate feeling begrudging. Like I want to want to be generous and welcoming... I want to enjoy hosting!

The title of this thread makes it clear OP doesn't want to host. That's perfectly fine and reasonable. I don't know why so many people are telling her it is not ok, by suggesting 'compromises'.

Tell your mum and brother you'll be round to there's on Bixing Day and you will bring XYZ.

I'm agog that your brother doesn't work and owns a house with no mortgage. How is that even possible?

Can you go away for Christmas? Do you never spend it with DH family? You need to break the established pattern.

Your mother is enabling your brother in treating you poorly.

I just wouldn’t do it.

OP, you are my mother. She loves doing Christmas and does it very well, but also massively overdoes it, and then moans (to me and my father) about no one else ever doing anything and how much work it is. The latter is absolutely true - hers and my dad's siblings are equally rubbish - but also nothing changes because she won't change.

Christmas will never be your fantasy of your brother and his wife bringing along the main course and some well chosen red, or even of everyone acknowledging how much you do. So you have to choose a realistic option - accepting that they'll be rubbish, or doing something different. I'd suggest a day out for the kids (even if you pay, might be less than catering costs, or maybe it's grandma's present to them). One afternoon, you all turn up, you go home. Maybe you go back to the old way next year, but give yourself a year off.

I really think this is spot on.
He has never paid his way or contributed properly before so why is he suddenly going to this year? Hold his hands up and say "yes I've been a greedy freeloader but this year I've seen the error of my ways and I'm a changed man"
Don't make me laugh
Just sent invite him, invite your mum if you want but do it sooner rather than later and ignore any and all guilt tripping & emotional blackmail. And have a bloody good christmas!!

Probably inherited it.

Tell your mum it would be nice for her to go to your brother for Xmas Day. She can come to you Boxing day. You will meet up with him & kids another day. Is there a Christmas light trail locally you could all do? Then go somewhere for mince pies & hot chocolate maybe?
You can enjoy a nice relaxed Xmas day with your dc, enjoy a drink with dinner & not be a manic chef & server to your lazy arsed freeloading db.

Could you do a party for just the kids, before Christmas, and have your mum come to “help” but not your brother to “give him a break”. Then have actual Christmas by yourselves

I will never understand posters who go on about people being elderly and not being around forever in threads like this. Yes, the OP's mother is elderly, but guess what? The OP could drop down dead tomorrow. Someone being elderly or ill is absolutely no excuse for accepting shitty behaviour or playing the martyr.

OP: do you enjoy your brother's company? Do you enjoy having his family over on Christmas Day? Never mind your mother or your kids-do you enjoy it? Or do you spend the entire run up to the day and the actual day angry and upset? If the latter-why do you care so little about your own needs?

OP also says in her post "The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't". In view of OP's conflicting feelings a compromise might help her to enjoy the day without then feeling upset for her mum? (which is likely to take some enjoyment out of the day for her as well).

I would suggest a compromise of a family meal at a cheap carvery or a Wetherspoons a week before, then just your mother on the day.

FFS your mum has enabled him by not saying anything when he is abusing your hospitality / not teaching him manners.
I can’t believe you are putting yourself through this for her when she doesn’t mind seeing you be treated like this by your brother.

More generally, I don’t understand why people let CF behave this way.
If my brother brought cheap cider or nasty food, this is what he would be served. « Can I have some wine instead? » well, you know we don’t like this cider so you might as well drink it, maybe bring some nice wine next time? »
or if he brings one bottle but drinks more than that « Do you want to maybe go and buy some more? You were supposed to contribute drinks, you brought 1 bottle but we drink x per meal since you arrived so for the whole stay it
means you’ll need to buy y more. »

See the brother and his family on boxing day, Christmas day day you're having a break and take mum out for lunch or have a quieter affair at yours . Brother can do own thing.

A great idea

Ok so if you really want to host (despite actually not wanting to...) I would personally still switch it around this year. It is not working for you the way you've always done it and working yourself to death making Christmas brilliant for everyone else whilst gritting your teeth and hating the whole thing is not a healthy way to do it.

So here is how I would do it:

Christmas Day is for you and your children this year, and possibly your mum too.

Boxing Day you have everyone over for a very chilled, very relaxed day. Buffet and drinks. Snacks and treats for the children. They can all play with their new toys together. Or do whatever teenagers do these days, if they're older.

No scheduling necessary e.g. 'lunch must be at X time or it's not proper Christmas' which is half the stress on the day itself - Helpful hint, I skipped that stress all together too by having a policy of dinner whenever it's ready, so usually served anywhere between 4.30 and 5.30. No stress, no getting up at crazy hour to get things in the oven. It helps that we have Christmas dinner late in Denmark so it's normal to me.

Just let them know what time they should be there. Sit down, relax, enjoy the children being together and let your mum enjoy it too.

That is how I would do it, because I think making a big deal of it having to be everyone together on Christmas day itself with one martyr doing all the shit work and everyone else taking the piss is just stupid, frankly.

Feeling guilty, obligated and putting other people's wants before our own isn't a positive choice. OP describes how her mother has a history of treating her unfairly over her brother.

It's amazing actually how suiting yourself makes you feel better, and putting an end to toxic traditions.

We do not need to continue to be enmeshed in unhealthy ways of doing things.

There are all 'hard' options here. 1. Resentment, exhaustion & cost 2. Difficult conversations plus 1 when it doesn't work. 3. Different Xmas plus option 2!! Option 1 isn't sustainable for YOU. You need some tough conversations here. I would examine your best and worst cases and put boundaries in place you are happy with. It may be limit your costs and have compromises. Have expectations around division of chores you follow through with. Limited time, buffet options, paper plates. Gift to brothers family is the lunch and yes store away anything you don't want consumed and give roles to each in advance.

Fuck that! Blame the cost of living crisis and let them know that you can’t afford it anymore and won’t be hosting.

exactly this!

I avoided this with my lazy selfish sibling by just inviting the kids for a 'kids party" at Xmas and inviting DM to that. I got all the kids together, watched Home alone 1 and 2 with a pizza and treats and I got everyone matching PJ's that they were all dropped home in. It cost less and was more fun and when parents offered to come and dressed it up as "an opportunity to get the wrapping done". Aren't I nice. Then we just had DM on Xmas day.

The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't... I just hate feeling begrudging. Like I want to want to be generous and welcoming... I want to enjoy hosting!

Would your mum be equally happy to be there without Brother and family? If so you could stop inviting them and focus on making it a nice day for Mum and your immediate family.

But if she'd be upset at the change, I'd suggest being generous and welcoming in spite of the freeloading habits of your BIL, because his children deserve a nice Christmas as much as anyone and because your mum will be happy to see them, and because feeling generous and welcoming is more pleasant for you than feeling furious and resentful. Just a thought.

That (or something similar) is also a great idea.

It's not just the money - it's the attitude. The sitting and face-stuffing while I run around like a mad woman.
He is very greedy and I find it a very unattractive quality in people.
Lazy and greedy!

I am switching between "fuck it all - they can swivel" and "I'll suck it up for one more year!"

Great idea!

If you do it this year, you'll be no further forward this time next year.