AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

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We always host and pay for everything and my lardass bro sits around scoffing and drinking as much as possible. Really not looking forward to running around after him and his family again this year.... They live miles away and in a tiny house... also him and his GF don't work so have no money to contribute. He literally will not get his arse off the sofa and we have to hide food and drink so other people get some!

The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't... I just hate feeling begrudging. Like I want to want to be generous and welcoming... I want to enjoy hosting!

YANBU at all op. Especially as you have tried splitting costs before without success and he does nothing to help.

I understand where you are coming from. I come from a family where we have very different income levels and it’s far from easy to manage without causing hurt on both sides. And my siblings are working hard! And they all get stuck in and help.

Nonetheless, It does get very expensive when you are the one doing the bulk of the pre-Christmas prep and bearing all of the expense every year.

I would just ring him up and say that for a variety of reasons you are having a quieter Christmas this year. And suggest you drive your mum and your dc over his way to meet up for lunch during Christmas week instead, either at his place or at a mutual meeting point.

If the former say something like “we will bring a cake” and if it’s the latter make sure it is very clear who pays for the meal out beforehand! . “Just to make it clear, I suggest we divide the bill equally”

OP how abut a compromise? Mum for Christmas dinner (if you have it at lunchtime), brother and kids at 6.00 for a couple of hours. Simple (and cheap) buffet so kids can carry on playing, home at kids' bedtime?

And if DBro asks why, tell him. He won't like it (and you won't enjoy doing it) but it lets him know you're on to him and he's not getting away with it any more.

PS Do you have a DH/DP? What do they think about the current arrangement?

He would turn up with a cider - then drink my wine.

Just thinking, obviously depends on your family, but could you not just have them round for a little bit rather than all day?

I know when we were kids we would see cousins on Christmas Day either for a couple hours in the morning or a couple hours in the afternoon, not all day. Might that be an option? All get together and do presents/have a catch up after lunch, mum gets to see all grandkids together, and then everybody heads off home?

I think that list is excellent. I would probably host since it sounds like your mum is very elderly, and limit brother's time. I would ask him to bring something, but it's a token so at least he's not totally freeloaded. Hide expensive stuff til he's gone. Then enjoy with your mum after he's gone. You don't actually have to say anything to her, but I'm sure she'll appreciate your efforts.

The list is an utter joke, for fucks sake. Utterly ridiculous that OP should be tiptoeing around this 'prince', hiding things in her own home, getting drunk just to cope with the day and hoping that plans to delegate responsibilities or that people turn up with something decent, not a pile of shit, pan out.

No. Just no.

Oh that’s a great idea, spreads the shopping and the cost without it falling on the actual hosts ( who have enough to do!)

That would test your brother… is he willing to chip in cos he loves to get together with you all - or is he blatantly freeloading🧐

Your sharing idea will also work for other families get-togethers, help share the financial load a bit.

Tell him you are having a quiet Christmas and just hosting Mum on Christmas Day.
You’ll bring her and DCs to his house for tea on Boxing Day and contribute a cake and a couple of bottles.

Why isn't her job to facilitate her kids seeing their cousins?
And her job facilitating her children seeing their grandmother?

This one is a great idea… although add in he has to bring a plate of something. Then at least he’s turning up with something to make it all feel a bit better for you

I would ask him to contribute knowing full well he will bring crap stuff. Let him bring the crap stuff and let him drink/eat it. Likely he’s done this in the past with the knowledge that there will be “good” stuff he can dine out on regardless.

Ask for him to bring the drinks. If he brings cider then cider is what is on offer for everyone. You can always have a nice drink later. Or ask him to bring desert. If he bring a cheap shitty one, then everyone eats the cheap shitty one. Let everyone see what the consequences are of him behaving like this and let everyone suffer (not just you!!).

Save up some lovely food and drink for when he has left. Kids don’t really care about that stuff anyway and your mum really needs to see what you are being subjected to every year and feel a bit of it herself.

Tricky, my brother and family always came to me for years with their hands in their pockets and running around after them meant my Christmas’s were exhausting but worst of all I didn’t get to spend time with my own children.
I completely understand hosting them for the sake of your mum, I did that too.
They may not be employed (why? ) but they can still contribute, they would have to feed themselves if they weren’t with you. With the benefit of hindsight given my own situation in the past this is what I think I would do.
Ring him up and tell him he’s welcome to come but he must contribute and tell him what you want him to bring, I’d focus on the things he scoffs and also tell him that you will be supplying tea, coffee and tap water but if he wants anything else to drink he needs to bring it and be firm about not letting him have yours.Make sure to tell him that Christmas is a lot of work and you expect a considerable effort from him and his girlfriend towards the clearing up. Finally you can set a time for him to leave, say 8pm after which you can bring out your treats and enjoy Christmas in peace.

Just shake it up a bit this year and tell him “we are scaling back on Christmas Day just having Mum around but you are welcome to pop in on Boxing Day “.

This way The Day is easier on the host and Boxing Day can be as quiet or busy as you wish.

I think this sounds like a great compromise if you might potentially regret not having everyone together for your mum's sake. It's easy to say 'I'm putting my foot down and not doing it this year' but if you are someone who tends to feel very guilty, you might actually end up making yourself feel even worse by not having them over!

From what you've shared about your mum, she might not have too many Christmases left? If you're able to find a compromise now that you are at peace with, then once she is gone you can spend every Christmas with just your immediate family and not look back with regrets.

I would ask for a financial contribution. If not they can't come. I'd tell my mum that this is what I was doing.

Or you could suggest that you visit him on Boxing Day!

I don't see why the OP should have to eat and drink rubbish at Christmas just because of her greedy brother and his family.

I think I'd drop my mum off at his house for a couple of hours after Christmas lunch and then pick her up afterwards, in time to come to yours for tea.

Excellent advice. Talk to him as an adult, not a child.

But he wouldn't do any of that. He'd bring something rubbish, forage for all her nice things and then not clean up. She knows this. He does it every year.

I agree with a pp. Mum for Christmas Dinner and invite them for cold cuts on Boxing Day.

How do they own the house outright? They sound like complete CF’s to me.

I do enjoy hosting and buying / cooking nice stuff - that's what's so annoying. I want to enjoy sharing and spending time with extended family but I end up being filled with resentment.

Then you tell him to transfer it well in advance because YOU are going to do the shopping for it.

Some great advice on here - I'm in the same boat OP. My mum is in her late 80s and quite unwell for the past few months. Her best day is when all the family are together - her children and the grandchildren. So, for her sake, I make that happen. I know others have given good advice on setting boundaries, and while I agree with them, something overrides that. It's my precious mum. I want her to be happy. If people are coming round for the day, I do ask that they bring some booze, nibbles or a big tub chocolates. I know your brother will bring crap and cider, but it's surely better to say to him 'bring a couple of bottles of plonk but not that crap cider that no one likes'. He is your brother, that's how I speak to my brother - just bluntly but still with love. I personally go to Aldi and get their £3.99 bottles of wine (still very nice thank you!) and give everyone that. Save the Kylie prosecco for yourself..I feel that you want to do things differently but for the sake of your mum, it's a tough one.

Don't ask for a contribution. Even if he pays it, and I would bet my house he won't, he'll see it as extra entitlement to fill his boots and will probably end up taking all the leftovers home with him.

It will also make him feel even more entitled to sit around on his lazy arse, because after all, he's "paying for it".

No. Just don't invite them. Up to you whether you tell him it's because you're done with his lazy, freeloading ways or not. Your mother can facilitate a whole-family get-together if that's what she so desperately wants.