AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

We always host and pay for everything and my lardass bro sits around scoffing and drinking as much as possible. Really not looking forward to running around after him and his family again this year.... They live miles away and in a tiny house... also him and his GF don't work so have no money to contribute. He literally will not get his arse off the sofa and we have to hide food and drink so other people get some!

The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't... I just hate feeling begrudging. Like I want to want to be generous and welcoming... I want to enjoy hosting!

They may not work but they DO live life so they clearly have some money coming in from somewhere.

If it’s the expense that bothers you I’d pop out a message now to say you’re happy to host but with cost of living etc you’re asking for £X contribution to food shop, or as an alternative you’d be happy to create a list of items and ask people to pick which items that they will buy and bring with them.

My parents used to host everyone for Christmas as they just LOVE being the hosts and my mum loves cooking, so in the run up to Christmas we would make a list of all the items and then all guests (me & DH, sister & BIL, grandparents, aunties etc) would divide the list up between us and each buy a chunk of it so that although my parents still got to be the hosts & cook which they love, they didn’t have to pay for any of the food shopping.

OP doesn't need to excuse her perfectly reasonable choice to not do it. 'this year', 'a bit tight' are unnecessary things to say and opens the door for the same scenario in future years.

Rip it off like a plaster, honestly. Just tell them now that you're doing things differently this year. When everyone freaks out (which they will; people hate it when others don't behave to type, especially if they're cheeky fuckers, or used to making everything good for the cheeky fuckers) just ignore it, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. And it will. Just sit with those feelings and come here so we can talk you down from trying to 'fix things' for everyone else. After a few days it'll feel better, and then you can just keep repeating your mantra - we're doing it differently this year! They'll get used to it. It's honestly as easy as that.

We have tried splitting the costs before. My brother will offer to bring / buy something and will bring the cheapest shite that no one wants! And my mum will end up covering his costs if we ask for cash for meat etc...

And don't make excuses! Just say you've decided to do it differently this year. And follow up with 'you're very welcome to come over for the Christmas Party on the 16th/whatever. It'll be fun!'

If they don't want to do that, they can suit themselves.

Thank you 💜

Why not try the list option then? Then it’s not “something” it’s specific things divided up for him to provide.

As I say this is what we did when my parents used to host, the shopping list was divided up between the guests so that my parents didn’t have to do any of the food shopping. Obviously with just him I wouldn’t ask him to buy it all but it’s absolutely reasonable to say here’s the list can you pick a handful of things that you will provide, let me know which ones you choose etc

She. Doesn't. Want. Them. There. That. Is. Fine. Stop. Trying. To. 'Fix'. Things.

I know you said they have a smaller house, but I'd encourage mum to go to theirs for a change and you and your family enjoy your own Christmas together. Then have mum over when she gets back.

All this "getting all the family together" tradition is all very fine if it's equally shared and everyone enjoys each others company all in one place. Nope, separate it out. I know mum will be a bit upset but will still see you all anyway. She will have to work at a solution also.

Good on you for recognising the martyr syndrome. Now resolve it!

He's your brother, surely you can be frank with him? We are hosting this year and I'll be delegating a few things to my attending family. They know hosting Christmas is expensive, and that they're still saving money.

So, I'd explain to your brother that he is welcome to join you for Christmas but that you expect him to bring x, y and z as a contribution. If he's bright enough, then he'll quickly twig that it's still the cheaper (and obviously better/more social) option. If possible, then I'd send it on a family chat so that everyone knows that they are expected to contribute these items.

Nah I wouldn't do that - it'll cause a headache for OP who will just be worrying about what crap he's actually going to bring and having to think about how it'll fit into what she's doing,

Honestly a buffet is so easy and can be planned to not be expensive. Relatively speaking of course. It's better for OP to just plan and execute it herself on a separate day.

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd your children also deserve to have a happy, chilled, fully present mother at Christmas. And to see positive behaviours modelled.

(above referring to trying to get brother to bring specific things off a list. It's not going to happen)

You just say ‘sorry can’t host this year’ and arrange to meet them somewhere over Christmas or just host drinks and crisps a different day- less pressure.

I could live with not contributing but I couldn’t live with not helping.

You could also just have this conversation with your brother

Tough one. You are absolutely right to be pissed off at your lazy ass brother. He sounds awful to host. But you also want to make your mum happy and enabling her to have all her grandchildren around at Xmas is supporting that. If it weren’t for your mum, it would be easy to see your brothers family (ie your kids cousins) in a more low key way, around but not “at” Christmas. But would the upset to your mum be worse than the relief to you? I don’t mean you have to be a martyr, just maybe if you can feel acknowledged that yes they are freeloading shites and make your family Xmas hard, but you’re doing it for your mum not your brother, and it may not be forever - it might help you be less annoyed?

However, this is also great advice!

It is not a 'tough one'. She should not put up with it 'for her mother's sake'. She should not be sorry nor make excuses.

OP, I'm sure the other martyrs here are sticking out like a sore thumb now!

You're not going to be able to do this without upsetting people . You need to decide whether to choose to upset yourself or upset other people as you've said. Totally your call .

Another reason why Christmas should be scaled right back. Same old problems every year.

There are 364 other days in the year.
Stop this brainwashing about Christmas and families...
When you do you'll feel liberated and better.
You shouldn't have to host anyone at any time in the year, your not comfortable with, family or not.

Not working does not mean no money. Unless they have savings they will be receiving benefits for them and their children.
Quite possibly they are receiving disability benefits otherwise at least one of them would be required to work.
So at the very least they should be contributing to costs

I think the "not forever" bit is key factor.

I know my mum won't be around forever - she is really old and not very well. And I know I don't have to host forever either.

Try not to be a martyr.
Ask for practical help.
Ask for specific items.
Hide special / expensive food & drink.
Limit visit time for brother's family.
Try not to be a martyr.
Drink Baileys from 9am.
Identify my own needs.

yikes.

I agree with this! In fact I wonder how much of the brothers appalling behaviour is due to mums enablement of his fecklessness and trainign everyone in the family not to challenge or rock the boat, as otherwise it will 'upset mum'. Honestly OP, get some boundaries in place or you will end up having to carry this asshole forevermore, When your mum passes on he will find some other leverage like the nieces and nephews. Catch a wake up and put your foot down! If mum is sad, she is very welcome to go spend christmas at his place.

In the nicest way possible what other people want isn't your problem.

You can absolutely meet up all of the family together at some point over the Christmas period - at a cheap Cafe or pub, a park or even at your mums or brothers - if you're just meeting up to exchange presents and have a coffee space isn't as much of an issue as histing everyone for a day and feeding them a full dinner - if they've got enough room for three kids they can have you over for a coffee.

Many (most?) People don't have the big whole family Christmas day anymore because they don't have the space, families live more spread out, they can't afford it and just don't want to. Your kids won't care that much about their cousins if they've already seen them the day before or the day after when their parents and gran are there with them and they've got presents to open. If your mum wants the big family Christmas then it's on her to host or pay for it, if not she just has to accept its not feasible and adults don't get everything they "want" - just like the millions of mums whose kids work in Christmas day, live too far away or just want to do things with their nuclear family.

Just message now and say "been thinking about Christmas, now the kids are getting bigger/hungrier I just don't have the space or money to keep hosting every year - and to be honest I think I've more than done my fair share! Let's plan a catch up at pub/park/mums on xxx to exchange presents."

Then leave it. You only have to do it once then you're sorted and don't hace to deal with the resentment and annoyance ruining the countdown to Christmas every year.

This is very, very true. His uselessness is totally enabled by our mother! Whereas I was always expected to be self sufficient.

Come on, your mum can't have everything her own way like this. It's making Christmas a day that you're not looking forward to, is exhausting and expensive for you, just because she wants to see all the grandchildren together.

Tell her that you've had enough of martyring yourself and you would love her to come and stay but you're not going to cook for your brother and his family again.

If you invited them for a drink on Christmas night would they turn up with empty hands and expect to be fed?

You either invite him and say in the message that you’re asking for X amount per head as a contribution due to the rising cost of hosting Xmas for everyone or you just don’t Invite him plain and simple.