AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

We always host and pay for everything and my lardass bro sits around scoffing and drinking as much as possible. Really not looking forward to running around after him and his family again this year.... They live miles away and in a tiny house... also him and his GF don't work so have no money to contribute. He literally will not get his arse off the sofa and we have to hide food and drink so other people get some!

The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't... I just hate feeling begrudging. Like I want to want to be generous and welcoming... I want to enjoy hosting!

Hi op,

Gosh, I don’t know I could do what you do! Blessed elderly mom 👏🏼

Can you not having your mum a few days before your bro arrives?
hosting your mum 20-26 and your bro 25 afternoon-26 late morning? That should take some of the sting?

Good luck 🌺

But seriously - we have inlaws - and they always ask to bring something. FiL researches the Telegraph recommended wine list and spends december traipsing over his home town looking for them, MiL always buys the poshest crackers she can find, and SiL brings a lush desert and we. Do everything else for the 3-4 days they stay. (We’d rather then didn’t bring anything as they’re retired, but they’d be offended and it keeps FiL busy for weeks which keeps him out of MiLs hair 🤣)

Yes just don't invite them. Definitely don't say "oh I feel I have been doing this long enough etc etc" as it sounds u are bearing a grudge which will open the way to dialogue and discussion and then turning the situation round to make it acceptable to you but you would end up hosting!! Just on different terms.

As millions of others have said...just say "decided not to do big Christmas get together this year". And leave it there.
Not for u to fix everything.
Ur not doing it this year. The end.
Everyone else can do what they want.

Dont explain or offer suggestions.
Just leave it.
If Ur mum is on her own she can come but only in a low key way.

If she cares about you then she will understand that u don't want a big Christmas this year. And that is fine.

I think our Christmas this year will.be the.lowest key yet. For various reasons. And I'm fine with that. It's just a day.

If you simply don’t invite him, there is every chance he will simply rock up assuming all will be as it has always been. You’re going to have to tell him you’re not having him. That will be awkward but tbh, it might be cathartic to actually let him know he’s a greedy, spongy prick and you’re over catering to him just to make your mum pretend he’s a decent human being for a day.

Their lack of money isn’t your problem unless you let it be.

You’re trying to please everyone but yourself.

It’s your home, your money and you hosting. You shouldn’t have to feel like you have to put up with them because of your Mum wanting to see everyone.

If you really wanted to give it one last try, set out some expectations, get them to bring a dish or some alcohol, say you’re not funding alcohol and don’t put out as much food. Just have the food for the meal and no more.

Sounds tough.
My mum used to alternate Christmas between me and my brother.
Additionally we've hosted numerous family events at Easter., Summer bbq and after Christmas, more for her to see the family.
Sadly she died this year, so I’m cutting back on the hosting. His turn for a change, but never had a meal at his house…

I’d say you don’t feel like cooking so you are going out to eat (and taking mum) and make the booking now. Your mum won’t offer to pay for him will she? Just tell him now so he has time to do something else.

My friend used to have her FIL and BIL round. BIL used fo gorge himself the entire time he was there, and sit moaning he was starving and how awful it was. Didn’t bring anything. She said the best thing about moving countries was dumping him for Christmas.

I have friends who don’t see family on Christmas Day and just do a bit of a party/gift exchange on Boxing Day. Just some snacks and drinks.

You need to break the cycle.

A restaurant meal on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, perhaps?

Just say it's been a tiring year and you are absolutely not hosting on Christmas Day.

It's just a day. People will survive. It'll be all but forgotten by January 1.

You say they don't have any money but I'm guessing they manage to feed themselves the other days of the year.
Is your mum in a position to fit everyone at her place? Maybe do boxing day at your mums with everyone there, kids can see each other etc. Both you and your brother bring budget appropriate foods for a buffet. Or just say everyone brings their own food (packed lunch/ reheatables) to reduce pressure on mum, that way no one is impacted by what they can/can't contribute but still feeding themselves.

Has he invited you!?

No… I don’t think he will.
unfortunately I recognise the description of people just sitting and expecting to be waited on. Without my mum it’s a different dynamic though.

Invite them to stop by after the meal and have everything put away and just a couple of snacks and sodas around.

How can two people not work at all? Are they disabled? How do they live if not getting disability?

So, they used to work? Inherited a house from?

I think your ideas that you posted, about hiding the "expensive stuff" is a good one. Maybe buy a small refrigerator to keep that stuff in. Or pipe up and tell him to lay off stuffing his face as if he hasn't eaten in a year.

You are a better woman than me, OP. I would not be able to take it, mother being disappointed or not. It sounds like he is lazy, selfish and the golden child. How endearing...not.

If it isn't halted, the OP's children will be feeding and taking care of their cousins, who learned to not do anything from good old mom and dad. It's a bitter cycle and you need to think about what it's teaching your nieces, nephews and DC.

No point asking brother for a cash contribution, he'd only get your mum to pay for his share. No point telling brother to bring something, it'll be small and cheap.

So, what to do? Tell him and your mum you're having a low-key xmas and only hosting her, but you'll be taking mum and your DC to his house on Boxing Day afternoon, and bringing bubbly and cake to consume while the cousins enjoy the gift exchange.

That way if he has nothing to offer by way of refreshments, you eat and drink what you've brought, and leave after two hours. Don't forget a breezy 'this was fun, let's do it again next year' on your way out.

Exactly this.

Your mum can arrange a get together with all the grandchildren if that's what she wants. It's not your job.

Make it known that you expect some help and contribution this time or it won't happen at all.

This is the best answer yet.

You have taught these people how to treat you. They will protest change .
Change will be uncomfortable, but worth it.
Resentment is ruining your Christmas, so drop the rope and walk away.
Think about what you and you family want, maybe have a family meeting over a takeaway and get your immediate family to contribute ideas and opinions.
Do what you and they want - start new traditions that suit you.
Yes there will be fallout and tantrums - so what?
Trust me, it's worth it!

How do BIL and his partner not work all these years? What do they live on?

Could you not just invite your mum for a meal out saying to your brother you can’t afford to pay for all but wanted to have a break from hosting and feel this works for you this year. You can always say you will call in to see them on way back from meal if they would like to see you all and then you are going home to put your feet up and chill?!

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 14/10/2024 11:38

She will want to see all the grandchildren together and my kids will want to see their cousins.

So your brother can visit your mum on Boxing Day and your kids can go too.

We used to host 16+ at Christmas. I found that it really helped to think about why we did it, even though the thanks and appreciation were quite paltry. These were the reasons:

Our kids loved having their cousins around.
DH enjoyed spending time with siblings.
ILs were not able to manage it. The last few Christmases at theirs were awful (MIL got het up, and it caused an atmosphere) and the food was terrible.
Our house was just about big enough - other family lived several hours drive distant and had to stay (not with us).
Single close friends would have been alone. (They were always very thankful and appreciated the invite).
Our house, our traditions! We had control - that was a big one because of sen child.

We never did a traditional Christmas dinner on the day - canapés (pigs in blankets, smoked salmon pinwheels, vol au vents etc), cold poached salmon with a variety of salad vegetables (separate bowls, so children don't fish around for the bits they like), cut apple and grapes (kids again), coleslaw, potato salad, prawns, cheese, baguettes. Followed by chocolate log, Christmas pudding, mince pies, ice cream and hot sweet white sauce. Everyone stuffed to a standstill by the end!

DH did most of the cooking on Christmas Eve, I did all the organising (I am the Queen of lists). If it were just me, I probably would have been very resentful, but between us it worked. It was a lot of work, but we always said that our personal Christmas started on Boxing Day when we did nothing and ate leftovers when we felt like it!

Just invite your mum and tell your brother he'll have to make alternative arrangements this year 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP you are obviously very torn about this. You would not be wrong at all just not to invite your brother and his family this year. But if the thought of that makes you feel too sad for your mum why not tell them now you are not doing a big Christmas this year. DM is welcome at yours obviously but you will not be inviting anyone else. But you are doing a buffet on (choose a date a few days or the weekend before Christmas) so all the cousins can get together and DM can see everyone. I stress I do not think you owe your brother this. But given how you feel I think this is what I would do. Best of luck.