AIBU to not host Christmas this year?

[eqpi4t2hbsnktd]

We always host and pay for everything and my lardass bro sits around scoffing and drinking as much as possible. Really not looking forward to running around after him and his family again this year.... They live miles away and in a tiny house... also him and his GF don't work so have no money to contribute. He literally will not get his arse off the sofa and we have to hide food and drink so other people get some!

The only thing making me want to host is my very elderly mum who would be so upset if we don't... I just hate feeling begrudging. Like I want to want to be generous and welcoming... I want to enjoy hosting!

Don't suck it up @eqpi4t2hbsnktd. Seriously. There is absolutely no reason why you must do it. There are plenty of solutions that would work better for you while still flowing your mum to see everyone (or at least the children) together.

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd you don’t want to spend ANOTHER Christmas being resentful whilst he drinks your drinks, eats your food and farts all over your sofas. F that

You have clearly met him!

And to bring it right down to the crux of the matter, maybe think about it this way, which might provide some impetus to change things: do you really want to spend each of your mum's potentially last Christmases swallowed up in resentment? Is that really what you want to remember when you look back? Wouldn't it be nicer to sit and chill and actually enjoy the day with her instead?

Grow a spin tell them they can't come. If they do they have to pay. You can't afford to feed everyone.

Wow. Had not thought of it this way. Blimey. Oof.

Have a very pared down Christmas eg just enough food and cheap wine, no Champagne- everything cheap as chips. Just make sure you get the things your mum really likes as that's what's important. Many people are doing that this year. The. Your family can have all the nice things on another day. Don't indulge this greedy family any more. Don't have drinks on tap - you don't need to. Say you're having a low alcohol Christmas but they can bring drinks if they want to!

I wouldn't normally be so forthright but you've mentioned it yourself that she may not have long. Something to think about. Honestly Christmas Eve through Boxing Day is my favourite time of year - complete relaxation and no stress - because I'm happy to include everyone and make it lovely but I do so in a way that works for me because I'm just as valid as everyone else and I'm going to enjoy Christmas too!

Life really is too short to waste it being angry about things you could actually do something about! 💐

Book a cruise or trip to somewhere warm for Christmas and don’t be available.

Can you direct him? What would he do?
Brother can you help set the table? Brother it’s your turn to do the washing up this year. Brother can you clear the plates from the table in to the dishwasher?

Would he refuse? Or would he even begrudgingly get off his arse and help?

I must admit I’m a bit shit at helping in someone else’s house because I don’t like to tread on toes and I can’t see what needs doing, I know that sounds stupid but I can’t. If someone asks me to do something specific I will absolutely do it though

We have a family Boxing Day. So we get to indulge just ourselves and “do” Christmas Day our way, which is less expensive and less boozy than it might otherwise be with family.

Why don’t you have your mum on Christmas Day and then arrange a family day on Boxing Day? Either a leftovers buffet with the proviso that the fart-knockers bring their own drinks (and do not share yours!) or go out somewhere and if they can’t save up, that’s a shame but you offered the suggestion. So kids get to play, mum gets to pretend it’s all happy families, and you get to enjoy your Chrimbo.

Go with your first choice. Do something nice for yourself and your family. Take a break.

Nah sorry OP i wouldn't take that shit any more, he's freeloaded off you long enough, time for him to sort himself out. They clearly have money from somewhere!
Just tell you mum honestly your fed up of paying for it all and doing all the work, it's ruining your Christmas.
If you do cave then go the buffet option a PP mentioned. Nice lunch for you guys and your mum, brother comes round around 4:30 for a LIGHT buffet, hide any nice wine and spirits, put out cheap wine or match him by getting cider.
BE STRONG OP!

Christmas day isn't the day to be hiding expensive food/drink etc. Or to be sitting there seething with resentment! Invite bro's fam for a buffet on Boxing Day, giving a very specific list of things they need to bring. Have a lovely luxurious Christmas day with your own family and your mum.

Which is great if OP has the time, energy and inclination to get to that place mentally in the next 2 months, otherwise she might end up in a worse position this year with an even more miserable Christmas feeling guilty, upset and worrying about potential fall out.

A compromise could allow OP to 100% suit herself by seeing her mum happy while also feeling no resentment toward a greedy brother.

No, you're possibly just compounding the guilt, I think.

Perfect

But if you suggest this then no one can say you’re excluding them?

I've been martyring myself for the past 20 years OP, because each Christmas I tell myself this will 'probably be Mum's last Christmas' and the guilt wins. She's still going.

I agree with the paring down. And telling them there won't be much alcohol so they need to provide it.

Are you wealthy? If not tell them the rise in the cost of living means you can't afford to host them unless they contribute. They'd have to buy everything if they stay home. Don't fall for the we have no money shit. They're royally taking the piss out of you. Emotional blackmail.

I'd do that.

I stopped hosting my brother and his family a few years ago. I just make excuses each time he asks. I figured that I was important too and didn't want a full on breakdown (obviously not talking about just a day but 4-5 days at a time).

Life is better when you get rid of reasons for resentment. I promise.

Agreed! invite mum for Xmas day .
Tell brother he can come with kids on Boxing Day for movie and popcorn day . (For the kids sake )
Tell Him to bring the popcorn.
You can do a wee buffet pick plate from leftovers and don’t supply any food .

Well. Meditate on this, seriously. Every martyr gets something out of it. Maybe its worth it to you, maybe increasingly its not. It must be very sad and degrading for you and your miserable brother to play this endless, childish, repeat of golden gift giver OP and greedy, useless, brother. Ir, from another point of view, scapegoat/utility girl OP and her golden child brother.

What happens is mum doesn’t see all the grandkids together at yours? End of the world?

Just tell him you found hosting too full on last year and you can't afford to host everyone this year but you can host your mum. Meet up somewhere else for a Christmas get together.