Pulling out of a holiday with friends - AIBU

[ohdearwhatnow12]

I really need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation with my closest friend group. Earlier this year, I agreed to a trip to Centre Parcs next year. At the time, everyone was excited and I said yes, but I’ve since realised it’s just not going to be manageable for me.

To be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Centre Parcs anyway (not really into the idea of 4 days of activities and loads of kids), but the bigger issue is financial. My mortgage is up for renewal, and with interest rates going up, I need to prioritise my budget as our mortgage is going to double.
I’ve also already got another trip to Marbella booked with mine and my partner’s close friendship group, which is paid for, but need to save for spending money and my friend doesn’t know about that yet, and I know she’ll be pissed off when she finds out.

We’ve only paid a £50 deposit for Centre Parcs so far, so no one will lose money if I drop out, maybe the deposit - but they will need to find someone else to fill my space, or it’ll end up costing them more. I have briefly mentioned I might not be able to go, and the response I got was, ‘What, you can’t find £100?’ But it’s not just that—it’s the fuel, money for while I’m there, activities everyone will want to do, food, and so on. It all adds up quickly, and it’s a bigger commitment than just that initial amount. Then she said I can’t expect people to pay more if we can't find anyone else. I mean, I'm not sure what she's insinuating with that response. I've suggested cancelling the current cabin, and moving to a smaller one so it won't cost anyone any extra and worst case if they lose the deposit I'll cover that loss and I got a response 'thanks I will taaaaaaa' sarcasm at its finest.

AIBU?

I think this is what I'd do too.
You don't really want to go because you have a better holiday lined up that you want to devote your resources to and that is fine for you, but it's dead annoying for your other friends, and beyond the money it probably feels to them like you are also making a point about which friendship group means the most to you. So if all you need to contribute is £100 so that they can keep the original, more spacious cabin and not all be out of pocket, then I think you should do that as a gesture of good will.
These things happen and it will all blow over, but sometimes it is important to lower an olive branch to help move a situation on.
Have a lovely time in Marbella! X

You want us to support you pulling out- not entirely sure why you’ve asked

Another perspective op-don’t put all your eggs into the basket of your friends with your partner. You might need your friends if things don’t work out….

It's next year, I'm sure you can sort it. You can't ditch them then swan off with other friends, you won't have the one set of friends after that.

Except we don't know it's one time do we? Maybe she does this all the time and that's why the friend was so annoyed about it...

One time is enough for me to know that I won't be out of pocket in future with someone who clearly values other friends better than our group.

Friends have cancelled over the years on events, but it's generally due to DC urgent issues, or more recently due to our age aged parent issues, that of course is fine as family comes first.

But to cancel because you never really fancied it in the first place ( but still paid the deposit that meant accommodation was based on numbers including you) nah, that's not a friend I need to retain.

I’d arranged a theatre trip with some friends and their kids and had bought the tickets. The week before, one friend couldn’t go because she had to go to a work event. She paid me for her tickets, found someone else who wanted to go to recoup her costs and sent an email to say “just so you know - Sarah and Martin are coming with their son, so they’ll be in those seats”. All quite understandable and perfectly fine. If, however, she’d said “I don’t want to go because I’d rather go out with some other friends and it’s down to you to get rid of my tickets or you’ll be £200 out of pocket”. Totally different scenario…..

I think that’s pretty inconsiderate. If you don’t want to go, pay your share and then don’t go. I’d be fuming if someone said yes, we booked it, then the friend pulls out due to financial reasons, then proceeds to go on another holiday.

OP has shown as much commitment to this thread as she has to her holiday. Any update @ohdearwhatnow12 ?

Because we haven’t all fallen into line and said she’s fine to ditch her mates and expect them to do the legwork to make up for that.

It's not the money that's the issue.

It's the fact that people dropping out really changes the trip.

And it's also a terrible excuse.

Exactly - there's all this juggling to find a date that everyone can attend. I have to plan a long way ahead, so if I book a date for something like this, I will pretty soon be turning down other things that clash with it. When people then cancel for crappy reasons it's really annoying, because I've probably already made a lot of changes to accommodate them.

This would surely be more than you would spend whilst there though?!!! You don’t have to do all the activities. If there are things you don’t want to do then let your friends know in advance and take a book with you and make the most of some downtime. I just don’t think you want to go and I think you’re trying to find excuses.

That sounds a reasonable offer if they won't lose money. But you did say you'd go and they will probably feel let down, especially as you're going for another holiday close to the same time with other friends.
Maybe you agreed too quickly without thinking it through?

to be honest, it sounds like bad financial planning and that you just didn’t think things through but just said yes to all these holidays on a whim without actually thinking if uou could afford them.
It’s kind of a tricky situation because the most logical holiday to pull out of (if you’re having financial difficulties) is Marbella, as it’s the more expensive one and planned after the Crntre parks trip (by the sounds of it). I think most people will understand finances are tight if your mortgage is up for renewal, but cancelling on one group of friends while you go away with another group of friends sends a particular message to the first group. The best you can do is be honest and pay your share of the accommodation, so that the rest don’t have higher accommodation costs. But be prepared for that friendship to die out when they realise you are going to Marbella.

I would just give them the hundred quid if no one can take your place.
this has happened loads in my friendship group no one would get upset people change their mind life happens. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal

Because it ruins the holiday for the others - the point of the holiday is going away with friends.

And pulling out in favour of the more expensive holiday sends a clear message about how OP values the friendship.

All I can say is it happens a lot yes it’s slightly annoying but I wouldn’t lose a friend over it. People also have other commitments it doesn’t mean they don’t value friendships. The only thing she should have done is from word go say you have something else planned.

Activities at Centre Parcs are REALLY expensive and I for one didn’t know this - it doesn’t show you the activity costs til you’ve already booked to go (or it didn’t when we went) and it was only the swimming and a treasure hunt that was free.

If you’re gonna do all this when your share is only £100 you…… may as well just go??

Also OP, I’ve done CP with friends and had a great time. Hired the bikes and went cycling a lot, lots of walks too. Its not massive (we do Sherwood) but you can see off a good few hours, we went for runs too. We went in term time so there were kids but not loads and only little ones.
We booked the Spa too and it was absolutely bloody lovely. Cooked and ate in the lodge for every dinner.

But OP doesn't have other commitments.

There's a thread at the moment about an OP who's really upset because all these people are pulling out of her birthday party for similar poor reasons. Pulling out after a yes really does impact the other people.

IMO you pay for your place if you’ve agreed. We started to make everyone pay in full because of this situation. It’s not on everyone else paying for your poor management and decision making. No one wants to go on a trip in the place of someone dropping out. Sounds like your partners friends are prioritised so yeah I’d be really hurt if I were your friend group too. You know you’ve messed up. Just be honest with everyone involved and pay your remaining balance so that other people don’t have to stress about finding the money or person. Let them look forward to their break away. Imagine 3 or 4 of you had this attitude? How do you think this makes the organiser feel, being the person who puts their name/credit card on a booking in good faith that “friends” won’t leave them in the sh!t.

It’s not about affordability though is it. It’s a why should they pay for her poor planning? What happens if 3 people do this or all of them? So you’d be happy not to be a “baby” and hand over your card to pay the full balance? More fool you. If she had a better excuse I wouldn’t mind as much. You’ve committed the money if nothing else and that’s just that IMO.