Pulling out of a holiday with friends - AIBU

[ohdearwhatnow12]

I really need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation with my closest friend group. Earlier this year, I agreed to a trip to Centre Parcs next year. At the time, everyone was excited and I said yes, but I’ve since realised it’s just not going to be manageable for me.

To be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Centre Parcs anyway (not really into the idea of 4 days of activities and loads of kids), but the bigger issue is financial. My mortgage is up for renewal, and with interest rates going up, I need to prioritise my budget as our mortgage is going to double.
I’ve also already got another trip to Marbella booked with mine and my partner’s close friendship group, which is paid for, but need to save for spending money and my friend doesn’t know about that yet, and I know she’ll be pissed off when she finds out.

We’ve only paid a £50 deposit for Centre Parcs so far, so no one will lose money if I drop out, maybe the deposit - but they will need to find someone else to fill my space, or it’ll end up costing them more. I have briefly mentioned I might not be able to go, and the response I got was, ‘What, you can’t find £100?’ But it’s not just that—it’s the fuel, money for while I’m there, activities everyone will want to do, food, and so on. It all adds up quickly, and it’s a bigger commitment than just that initial amount. Then she said I can’t expect people to pay more if we can't find anyone else. I mean, I'm not sure what she's insinuating with that response. I've suggested cancelling the current cabin, and moving to a smaller one so it won't cost anyone any extra and worst case if they lose the deposit I'll cover that loss and I got a response 'thanks I will taaaaaaa' sarcasm at its finest.

AIBU?

This!

I suggest that if an extra £100 quid divided between several people then they probably can’t afford to go anyway

They can always pull out. Then they can dump the cost of their share on the remainder. If the people left can’t afford it then they shouldn’t have been going in the first place - so they can drop out and whoever is left can just sub them, and if they don’t want to do that then they can drop out. They should never have agreed to go if they can’t cover the costs of everyone who drops out - on and on until you are left with the organiser paying for a huge cabin to use alone as all of her mates are actual babies who can’t take responsibility for anything.

If you don’t cover your remaining share of the accommodation @ohdearwhatnow12 I think you have lost those friends.

You committed to it, someone put in the work to arrange it and collect deposits etc, and now you can’t be arsed because you’ve had a better offer find yourself unable to attend.

Be the grown up, honour your commitments and pay your portion of the cabin.

Don’t go, because you don’t fancy it, and that’s fine. But don’t expect others to be inconvenienced and out of pocket because you changed your mind after a booking was made.

NB - the way CP bookings work, booking a smaller cottage now will probably be more expensive than the larger one already booked because they give very hefty discounts at 8-12 months in advance.

If you pull out, you pull out, but the onus is on you to ensure everyone else isn’t out of pocket, either by covering the additional cost anyway or getting someone else to go (with their agreement). To be honest, even then, I’d be mildly pissed off, late cancellers (unless there’s a really good reason) are the worst.

You’ve also mentioned not really liking CP - if so, why say yes in the first place, especially given how much it costs.

I think it will impact the friendships a little. It's not friendship ending stuff assuming you make sure they are financially looked after but it sends a clear message; I'd rather go away with these other people.

I've a friend who has done this sort of thing a few times. She's cancelled and while she always offered to pay she hasn't been interested in finding an alternative solution to whatever the alleged objection is and then it transpires she is doing something else. It is hurtful.

Oen evening a gang of us were out for dinner. We are all good friends. One of the women was talking about a fitness resort she loves. We all got very excited and planned to go later that year. We chose dates and accommodation options but hadn't spent any money. The next day she casually said "oh by the way we (herself and DH) are NOT going on that holiday" with no explanation. It stung slightly but no problem. A few months later she sheepishly mentioned she was going to the same place with another group.

Another weekend we (three couples) were going away for a weekend to a running race. I had planned the details and was very excited. We had accommodation and a really great restaurant organised. Then one of the couples got very sick. They offered to pay their share but I got a refund on their room. The other couple then had a problem, i can't even remember what it was. All I know is that when I asked if I would resell their race tickets they hadn't bought any.

As I said above this stuff is hurtful. You're entitled to change your mind. But if you can't be bothered with your friends don't be surprised if they aren't bothered with you.

The dynamics of our friendship changed slowly over time. It wasn't a big decision on my part, I stopped prioritising this friend and I don't feel the same about her as I did in the past.

OP I really think you are going to have to go on the CP holiday, as well as the Marbella one. You risk losing friends and/or upsetting them if you don't go.

Yes but it doesn’t have to be expensive if you limit the activities and meals out.

I’d be pissed off if I were your friends, OP. And a smaller cabin will not be proportionally cheaper, so you’ve basically made it a lot more expensive for them.

And you’re going away somewhere more expensive with someone else. I would not be impressed!

This.
It's not unreasonable of you to reconsider and realise that you should save the mo money to put towards your main holiday in Marbella. They ha e enough time to re-book to a smaller place, or as the above says you cop the £100.

Sorry OP but YABU. I was always the one in my friendship group who organised things like this. People with your attitude are the reason that I don't bother organising anything any more and we no longer really meet up. I'm guessing that you have never actually bothered to try and bring a group together for something like this yourself? Otherwise you would know how difficult it is when people flake out. The liklihood is they won't just lose out on the deposit. If a large room is booked then everyone else will have to pay the extra money that you were going to pay. It's really not easy to find someone else. Everyone that the organiser wanted there has probably already been invited. Minor financial or practical inconveniences are not a reason to drop out of a financial commitment. If you don't want to lose friendships then don't make financial commitments with friends that you know you're too flaky to keep. I don't suppose the organiser can do much to force you to pay but if it was me it would be the last time I included you in anything.

That's a completely different situation - and you really need to let your friends know that you can no longer afford to do the big trip abroad with them next year . BUT you need to tell them BEFORE you book. Before they even start making plans.

No one is suggesting that people should prioritise their friends over their families their whole lives. Of course things change, especially when you have children, but you need to speak up at an appropriate time.

I'm guessing that you have never actually bothered to try and bring a group together for something like this yourself? Otherwise you would know how difficult it is when people flake out.

100% this. I always find it is the people who have never had the worry and pressure of organising a big event like this that are gung-ho in the beginning with their yesses, and then are the ones to back out ("Oh just my little place won't matter")

Did you all book with the flexi add on? do you know? find that out, as if it was booked and that was purchased, it is free to cancel, change accomodation or date etc

Personally, if I let my friends down I would make sure they had no financial losses because I wouldn't be best please if a friend left me with any.

You are not unreasonable not to go OP, but you need to make sure your friends are not financially impacted by it.

You are entitled to change your mind, but if I were one of your friends, I would be annoyed (excuse is a poor one) and I wouldn't invite you to anything again.

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea I can hardly say to my friends ''sorry, I cant afford the holiday next year but I am going away with DH twice next year''.

If it's £150 in total and it's next year and you can go to Marbella I think it's clear you just don't want to go tbh. You could go and just stick to a budget when you're there. I would be really annoyed.

More reason why she should give notice now so they have time to see the difference or find someone else.

If I read her post right it will cost them £100 if she pulls out? If that's right then she can pay it so they don't lose out but that seems to be a very low amount.

Do you mean all you need to pay is £100? How have you got it so cheap!
It sounds like that isa lot less than marvella and spending money for that. I wouldn’t pull out. That’s what £20 a month for a few months? You can bring all your own food. Pool which is the main attraction is free. Let kids pick one activity no more.

If you pull out you still need to cover the £100 or that’s bad form. You can’t expect them to cover the gap. Smaller villas may have gone up in price too. Your friend will be really hurt I expect.

I think you’ll need to offer to pay the £100 if they can’t find a replacement. At least then you’ll save on your travel and activities if you don’t go, but it’s not fair to increase their costs.

Agree with the majority, as the pp said "You're entitled to change your mind. But if you can't be bothered with your friends don't be surprised if they aren't bothered with you."

You can mitigate it - if you apologised properly AND did all the leg work yourself AND committed to covering any extra costs (although tbh by the time you've done that you may as well just go).

E.g "guys I'm really sorry I'm going to have to drop out of CP. I didn't realise how much my mortgage would go up by and just cant afford it. Im so sorry for not working it out earlier, I know its annoying. Not sure what you want to do - if there's anyone you want to invite to take my place they can use my deposit. Or I've just looked now and if you cancel the 2 four bed cabins and get a 6bed one it will work out the same as the original price -I've checked and there are a few available for that date and again you can use my deposit for any costs."
Is better than just a "sorry guys can't make it, maybe you can switch cabins or something"

But for the sake of £100 or so is it worth losing your friends? It's not until next year, you could save £10 a month surely? That's less than a coffee a week.

I'm sorry but this one's on you - its hardly a surprise that mortgage rates have gone up, that's been on the cards for ages. I'd be annoyed if I'd organised it. You should pay for your share of the accomodation, whether you decide to go or not.

This!

It’s the mentality of "Oh just my little place won't matter" that can drive you mad.

People who see everyone else as a fixture, and themselves as free to be flexible/ dip in and out. They’re relying on the idea that no one else will be having the same thought, and also letting the organiser down, after they’ve put work in.

I also think one person’s little “extra break” that perhaps doesn’t mean a lot to them, is someone else’s only get away, that they were really looking forward to.

You have committed to the holiday it is crappy for you to not only back out but to favour a different holiday with different friends.

you have said it’s not about the cost of the holiday but the cost of the extras. Give them the money and don’t go on the holiday so your friends don’t loose out because you have favoured someone else

Centre parks…butlins for the middle classes!

I suspect that, whilst OP's friend and most posters on here have focussed on the money side, it's not just about that.

I have a group of friends that I've known from school. We go away once a year. We book the weekend up months in advance to make sure that everyone can come.

If someone pulled out for something that wasn't a last minute emergency, it would not be primarily about the cost, but the fact that we'd organised a weekend so that we could all be there. The dynamic would be different without a person there. We actually like each other and the point of the weekend is to spend time together!

If the issue was cost then we would try to cover the person's share and do low cost things. Because we would want them to be there. But OP has unilaterally said she's not coming. She's not even tried to see if there is a compromise situation.