Pulling out of a holiday with friends - AIBU

[ohdearwhatnow12]

I really need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation with my closest friend group. Earlier this year, I agreed to a trip to Centre Parcs next year. At the time, everyone was excited and I said yes, but I’ve since realised it’s just not going to be manageable for me.

To be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Centre Parcs anyway (not really into the idea of 4 days of activities and loads of kids), but the bigger issue is financial. My mortgage is up for renewal, and with interest rates going up, I need to prioritise my budget as our mortgage is going to double.
I’ve also already got another trip to Marbella booked with mine and my partner’s close friendship group, which is paid for, but need to save for spending money and my friend doesn’t know about that yet, and I know she’ll be pissed off when she finds out.

We’ve only paid a £50 deposit for Centre Parcs so far, so no one will lose money if I drop out, maybe the deposit - but they will need to find someone else to fill my space, or it’ll end up costing them more. I have briefly mentioned I might not be able to go, and the response I got was, ‘What, you can’t find £100?’ But it’s not just that—it’s the fuel, money for while I’m there, activities everyone will want to do, food, and so on. It all adds up quickly, and it’s a bigger commitment than just that initial amount. Then she said I can’t expect people to pay more if we can't find anyone else. I mean, I'm not sure what she's insinuating with that response. I've suggested cancelling the current cabin, and moving to a smaller one so it won't cost anyone any extra and worst case if they lose the deposit I'll cover that loss and I got a response 'thanks I will taaaaaaa' sarcasm at its finest.

AIBU?

Do what’s best for you. They don’t sound like a very good friend if they can’t understand you need to prioritise your bills.

However if it’s not until next year you could potentially save a little each month or they have plenty of time to find someone else to go.

Think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here, OP. It's okay to change your mind a year ahead after finding out that your mortgage payment is going to double when it's up for renewal! That's good enough reason, and it sounds like you've offered a financial compromise that means your friends won't be stuck with extra costs. You're also okay to still go to Marbella. When budgets are tight, of course people prioritise the things they want to do more.

This. Change of mind shouldn't mean that you don't have to honour financial commitments and are free to drop your friends in it.

Why say yes to something you're not bothered about? It's not fair on your friends.

Yeah. No way will I book anything again. I've been that fool. People are flaky af these days.

£100 isn’t a lot. If you want to cancel then give them the £100 and nobody is out of pocket. It sounds like you actually just don’t want to go.

How much more will it cost everyone else?

Offer to cover that amount (you mention in your OP £100?) I'd offer to pay that and forgo the deposit and then leave it at that.

Although I see there is a whole year for them to find someone to replace you so you don't really need to offer to cover the difference!

It's not that simple as just rebook smaller, at that price it sounds like you're sharing a room (or some are) so a smaller one might not be any good, or may not be as cost effective. I used to book center Parcs holidays for big groups, we just paid full balance at once so if anyone dropped out it wouldn't impact everyone financially. In reality, when it did happen (for good reasons, we normally did find someone but it wasn't expected and they didn't expect us to do the legwork sorting it, it was all amicable):

You are being unreasonable but doesn't sound like it bothers you!

How many in the group?

Do what’s best for you. They don’t sound like a very good friend if they can’t understand you need to prioritise your bills.

Do you think her mates don’t have bills too? She’s committed to paying and now is backing out so her friends have to cover her share. If she’d just admitted she didn’t want to go in the first place they could have booked a smaller and cheaper cabin, but she said she was going. It’s not going to be cheaper now to cancel and rebook (plus the poor sod who organised it gets lumbered with that job). Why can’t she be a better friend and prioritise not costing her mates money for her own flakiness?

OP should just pay for the accommodation and not go - she saves money on food, petrol and activities and the others don’t have to subsidise her. She made a mistake, but she should pay for it herself.

If course you can save enough for spending money/fuel etc during the next year, it is just that you don’t want to.
So annoying when people do that, just say you are not interested from the beginning. Or stick to it.

But they ALSO have bills, and agreed this place based on that number of people staying, not on the basis of someone changing their mind and stumping them with the extra costs.

Mortgage rates going up has been in the news for the last 2 years - it should be no surprise to anyone that their rate will increase at the end of its current fixed term. And really, if the OP can't save the £50 a month for 6 months needed to cover costs and spending money for centre parcs then she is fucked when it comes to remortgaging and definitely can't afford the Marbella holiday she has booked. Its pretty obvious these are just pathetic excuses because she has changed her mind but doesn't want to be honest about it.

Oh, and she is planning to stick her friends with her costs. She doesn't want to pay up for the share of the holiday she agreed to and is expecting others to run around and change plans to save her money.

Also, you're getting off easy with a sarcastic response. What did you expect?

This. The whole wide eyed " But I don't know what my friend means by this" is just disengenuous. You know exactly what she means. Pay what you owe and don't go. You will still save money on food etc. Whether your friends speak to you again though once they find out about Marbella, is a whole different story though

Once you agree and a deposit is paid I think you should be liable for the cost. There will be an admin charge if the group hasn’t paid for flex stay.

I would suck it up and go if you ever want to be invited to anything involving payment again. You don't want a rep for being flaky.

garlictwist · Today 09:41

From your message it sounds like you just don't want to go and the money side is an excuse. If you really wanted to do it, you'd find a way. It's a bit shit to pull out but do it sooner rather than later.

I'm leaning towards agreeing with this post. i.e. that you really dont want to go. Is this accurate?
Far enough if thats that case, you are allowed to change your mind, If you do be upfront and honest about it, own your change of thought. It's allowed. What they think of that is on them. Financially, I do think its your responsibility to find a replacement etc etc or pay the difference.

The circumstances are a bit crap but you need to do what you feel suits you best. I’ve been to Center parcs a couple of times and it can be so expensive

This is such a crappy thing to do. It's not just the money, it's that you blatantly can afford to go but you'd rather spend the money on a better holiday with people you think will be more fun. What a horrible message to send to your friends who kindly invited you. Is your partner new and you've now changed your priorities? You have to expect that your friends will be deeply unimpressed with you because you're treating them like crap. Your partner's friends are not more important and your friendship group don't deserve to be thrown over because you've gotten a better offer.

We book our girls weekend at least 10 months early. You agree the date and price. If you change your mind or life happens, you pay your share.
It would be different if there was a major life issue, we'd probably cover her costs so she'd come and we never spend tons / prioritise time together over doing anything specific but in ops case, I'd expect her to pay her balance

Hmm I'm on the other side of this with my sister trying to pull out on a trip she committed to with our friends and will result in either everyone paying £40 a head more or ill have to pay £400 to avoid everyone else hassle. My opinion is she knew what she was signing up for and should have said she wasn't sure at the time. Really if you're going to pull out people shouldn't have to change their accomodation and you should pay whatever they'll be charged for you pulling out. My sister won't do this and it's resulting in resentment for me and the friendship group and everyone thinking she's flaky and needs to manage her finances better

This is a good idea.

It's very clear that you just don't want to go and are prioritising the other holiday/friendship group. It doesn't reflect great on you. I'm not surprised you've annoyed the CP group. Lesson learnt - don't sign up to something you aren't committed to. You knew the deal when you signed up.

They might be able to switch to a smaller cabin, but it's the principle. You may well have dented a few friendships.

Do what’s best for you. They don’t sound like a very good friend if they can’t understand you need to prioritise your bills. -

@BabyCloud - make no mistake. She's prioritising Marbella. With different friends. That's all there is to it.

Marbella that notoriously budget friendly destination.

Is this an older group of your friends and the friendship group with your partner newer friends that you've met through him? If that's the case I think you are being really short sighted. You should always do your best to keep your own friendship group .

I think your friends would be understanding if it was genuinely down to money difficulties. But it's not - it's around you prioritising a better offer in Marbella . Nobody can make you go but don't expect to drop out and it not affect your friendship with that particular group.