Pulling out of a holiday with friends - AIBU

[ohdearwhatnow12]

I really need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation with my closest friend group. Earlier this year, I agreed to a trip to Centre Parcs next year. At the time, everyone was excited and I said yes, but I’ve since realised it’s just not going to be manageable for me.

To be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Centre Parcs anyway (not really into the idea of 4 days of activities and loads of kids), but the bigger issue is financial. My mortgage is up for renewal, and with interest rates going up, I need to prioritise my budget as our mortgage is going to double.
I’ve also already got another trip to Marbella booked with mine and my partner’s close friendship group, which is paid for, but need to save for spending money and my friend doesn’t know about that yet, and I know she’ll be pissed off when she finds out.

We’ve only paid a £50 deposit for Centre Parcs so far, so no one will lose money if I drop out, maybe the deposit - but they will need to find someone else to fill my space, or it’ll end up costing them more. I have briefly mentioned I might not be able to go, and the response I got was, ‘What, you can’t find £100?’ But it’s not just that—it’s the fuel, money for while I’m there, activities everyone will want to do, food, and so on. It all adds up quickly, and it’s a bigger commitment than just that initial amount. Then she said I can’t expect people to pay more if we can't find anyone else. I mean, I'm not sure what she's insinuating with that response. I've suggested cancelling the current cabin, and moving to a smaller one so it won't cost anyone any extra and worst case if they lose the deposit I'll cover that loss and I got a response 'thanks I will taaaaaaa' sarcasm at its finest.

AIBU?

YABU if it’s going to cost them more because you now aren’t going.

You should honour your share of the accommodation, and you can save money by not spending all the extras if you don’t actually go.

Imagine how you would feel if your friend decided not to come to Marbella and so you suddenly had to pay their share. Not very happy I am sure.

I think this is awful. OP has committed - like everyone else - to a trip. Everyone has made a financial commitment based on going with a certain group for a certain cost. Maybe the other people don’t want to end up going away with “somebody else” and having to choose between losing money or spending their hard earned holiday time with some other people they don’t know that well….? She is “allowed to change her mind” but she should still pay her share….

YABU. You can save up for petrol, take groceries with you and plan some meals so you don't have to eat out and just use the pool, go for walks, take some board games and cards for activities - all free.

You should pay any costs that your friends can't recoup, say sorry profusely and expect them to be a bit miffed.

It would be a really shitty thing to do OP.

If you really don’t want to do it because of the spending money etc, then give her the additional £100 in order to avoid those costs. You can’t expect them to either cancel or pay extra - you agreed to go enthusiastically at the time.

It does sound like you’ve got a better offer of Marbella - abroad, and you saying this one is with your “close friends”, ie I’m getting that you prefer these friends to the ones you’d planned CP with?

Even with paying your share of the accommodation I’d expect them to be a bit miffed, but without doing so, I’d say it’s going to very much affect your friendship.

I agree with others than nothing has changed, neither the cost nor the nature of CP. I’m guessing that for £150 each it’s a term time break so it won’t be as crowded as in the holidays.

In future, don’t commit to something you clearly don’t want to do. That way you won’t have to come up with excuses about the cost of living.

I think this is an awful attitude.

It’s not “under duress” it’s something she happily agreed to at the relevant point - the point of booking.

It will only be awkward if the OP makes it so - much more awkward to let these friends down and expect to be on good terms in the future.

To stop her friends being out of pocket she’d have to pay £100 on top of £50 already paid, by my reading of it.

Make sure it doesn't cost them any more due to your flakiness. If that means you pay £100 more to save £3 or 400 so be it. Leaving them to pay more is shitty behaviour and I wouldn't be surprised if they got the hump.

Yeah it’s shitty. If you’re not fussed on Centre Parcs, you shouldn’t have paid the deposit. You just don’t want to go.

£100 and fuel and spending money NEXT YEAR is unlikely to impact your new mortgage. Say if you save £350 by not going, that is a drop in the ocean compared to the mortgage payments.

There’s a thread on here currently about everyone dropping out for the OPs 40th and it’s just a shitty thing to do.

You don’t have a valid excuse apart from you don’t like CP and the money.

Bet you won’t drop out of Marbella with your other set of friends to save money will you?

I can see why your mates are miffed. You’ve just simply changed your mind.

YABVU. I can’t bear flakiness and letting people down. It will look like you’re dumping them because you’ve had a better offer and that is in fact what you’re doing. I’d be really pissed off if I was them.

If you do pull out don’t tell them that it’s up to them to find someone else, that will just piss them off more. You need to pay your entire share so that they don’t end up having to pay a penny more. It’s not fair otherwise.

And in future, never commit to anything if you’re not going to honour that commitment. Very bad form OP.

I think you need to pay for your share of the cabin so the others don't have to pay extra. You will still be saving money on the fuel, food and activities

Yabu and you know it. Why even agree if you weren't sure you could afford it, of course everyone is frustrated as they've agreed based on a price divided so many ways now everyone will have to find the extra money!

Flaky friends are a huge bug bear, no one cares if you can't go, just say so up front. Ofc you don't have to go but just rip that band aid off now and tell them so they have loads of time to fill your place, rather than dancing around with the 'I'm not sure' nonsense.

If you are worried about spiralling costs just say you will go but plan to Take a cool bag with food to make your own dinners and won't pay for any activities

Is suspect Marbella will cost a little more than a tank of petrol assuming you are sharing a car

A few years ago I was in a similar situation. I stupidly agreed to go to CP with my mates, despite knowing I would hate it.

As it got closer, I was dreading it but I couldn’t put my friends in a position of losing out just because I have difficulty saying no to any holiday suggestions!!

So I was ill last minute. I paid the whole amount but didn’t have to go. I have been much better at saying no since.

Do you really just not want to go?

Ugh, I hate flaky friends like you Why did you agree to it in the first place? Don’t be surprised if you lose friends if you keep behaving like this.

In our friendship group, we all understand things come up and would never judge or fall out with someone if they can’t make something like this. But we’ve always had one rule, if you commit to going and then are unable to attend, you must still pay as it’s unfair on everyone else. I’ve had to pay my way once when I couldn’t attend something, as have others. I’d pay what your meant too and suck up the loss. Or risk losing friendships

It’s completely reasonable to pull out when it is still so far in the future. You take the £59 hit and they either adjust their booking or find someone else.

YABU.
I suspect you won't be asked to do any group activities with them again where you have to place a deposit down.
I personally would be especially hurt that you can afford to go abroad with other friends but somehow can't afford the extra £100 for a long weekend that you committed to.

I don't think it's as much to do with cost as that you don't really fancy it anymore. You're perfectly entitled to change your mind but your friends are equally entitled to be pissed off. You can't have a 'get out of jail free card' I'm afraid.

If all you need to find is £100, pay it so your friends don't lose out through your own fuck up here, and decide closer to the time if you're going to go or not.

Since you're the one messing things up in previously agreed plans, the least you can do is provide alternative booking options - get off your arse, find an available cabin at the venue on the correct dates, and give your friend the link and cost to make re-booking easier for them. You seem like you are trying to evade any kind of responsibility here, which really isn't fair.

YABU and I'd be prepared to lose friends, especially as you're going abroad: it looks like you're prioritising another holiday instead.

Why should they have to look for a smaller cabin? You made a commitment, deposit was paid, you have a year to save up for spending money for activities, food, fuel etc. Pulling out is rude and causes hassle and stress to others who also committed!

Why didn't you start putting money away as soon as you committed?

As a minimum you'll have 5 months to save for it, but probably far longer.

The mortgage renewal and rates are bullshit, that's been a problem for well over a year now and you knew when you had to renew.

You've just changed your mind and been flakey.

My advice is to

A) Go. It will damage your fornedships significantly and you may not have them when you come back. For all you know, some of them are struggling for cash and really looking forward to this so to hear you say sorry, can't afford it and then fuck off to marbella with your boyfriend is thoroughly shitty.

B) Don't go but don't expect them to downgrade accommodation. Its likely been chosen based on space, location, facilities etc. Cancel, without the money reason bullshit, and pay your previously agreed share, and consider whether you were also supposed to put money in the kitty for fuel or shared items e.g. rental stuff and cover your responsibilities as far as any agreed shared travel etc. If you had agreed to drive, you need to cover transport.

Yeah - you're being a bit shit tbh. If you don't go now, after it's been booked, you either need to pay your share or find a replacemement - that's only fair.

I think that's quite cheeky and selfish of you. You got as far as paying the deposit and now have changed your mind. This affects everyone in the group. Not on. And extra cheeky you are going on another holiday. You should pay everyone's deposit for cancelling. Or pay your full share of the holiday.,

But someone - and it doesn’t read like it was you - organised it and booked the lodge already. Why should they have to do even more admin because you agreed to a trip you never wanted to go on?

Your friends will be annoyed when you jet off to Marbella with your other friends, it looks ridiculous.