Pulling out of a holiday with friends - AIBU

[ohdearwhatnow12]

I really need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation with my closest friend group. Earlier this year, I agreed to a trip to Centre Parcs next year. At the time, everyone was excited and I said yes, but I’ve since realised it’s just not going to be manageable for me.

To be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Centre Parcs anyway (not really into the idea of 4 days of activities and loads of kids), but the bigger issue is financial. My mortgage is up for renewal, and with interest rates going up, I need to prioritise my budget as our mortgage is going to double.
I’ve also already got another trip to Marbella booked with mine and my partner’s close friendship group, which is paid for, but need to save for spending money and my friend doesn’t know about that yet, and I know she’ll be pissed off when she finds out.

We’ve only paid a £50 deposit for Centre Parcs so far, so no one will lose money if I drop out, maybe the deposit - but they will need to find someone else to fill my space, or it’ll end up costing them more. I have briefly mentioned I might not be able to go, and the response I got was, ‘What, you can’t find £100?’ But it’s not just that—it’s the fuel, money for while I’m there, activities everyone will want to do, food, and so on. It all adds up quickly, and it’s a bigger commitment than just that initial amount. Then she said I can’t expect people to pay more if we can't find anyone else. I mean, I'm not sure what she's insinuating with that response. I've suggested cancelling the current cabin, and moving to a smaller one so it won't cost anyone any extra and worst case if they lose the deposit I'll cover that loss and I got a response 'thanks I will taaaaaaa' sarcasm at its finest.

AIBU?

What a load of overreaction on this thread.

If she was pulling out at the last minute then the upset would be understandable.

But the holiday is next year. life happens and people pull out of these things well in advance.

I suggest that if an extra £100 quid divided between several people then they probably can’t afford to go anyway.

There seem to be so many people like this now. Can’t say no to invitations and get caught up in keeping other people happy in the moment, but have no issue with letting them down in a much bigger way, costing their friends money, etc, further down the line. I can’t get my head around it. Why not just decline at the outset, when you’re not going to cause such bad feeling?

If she can afford to go overseas she can't play the financial card, that's not genuine financial hardship. She'd be better off telling the truth, not bullshitting her friends like this. They'll see right through this and it will just make her behaviour much more hurtful.

Seeing as you knew you don't really like CP, that you had Marbella booked, and that your mortgage renewal would be up when you accepted the invite to go, I think YABVU!!! Is Marbella not notoriously expensive too? I'd be miffed if I was the group you had planned to go to CP with. I defo think you should be covering your accommodation share and you will stay save on the spending money!

Just tell them. The sooner the better.

Flaky and a shit friend to prioritise another holiday.
Be prepared to piss your friends off…

I think you will lose friendships over this. You committed to it. So you go. It's next year. You have time to save. It is not fair to add costs to other friends if you drop out. The fact you're going away with other friends will rub salt in the wound for them.

On the flip side, the holiday is next year, plenty of time to save a few pound to enjoy a few days in CP which can be done very cheaply if it has to be! No matter how soon she pulled out, it is now costing everyone else more in accommodation if she doesn't pay her share.

Absolutely this. You have had a better offer so want to ditch this one. Guess it depends how much you want to keep this group of friends really..

If you have decided not to go then make it clear now, and accept that you are creating a problem for your friends, and that they are not going to be happy about that.

The main problem is that in a group, when one person backs out and things start to get tricky, there is a risk of others starting to think "oh this whole plan is going south, it's going to be more trouble that it's worth, I should back out too". I also don't understand how the shortfall can only be £100 if you have paid £50. Centre Parcs is famously overpriced and even as a part of a group you don't get four days for £150.

There is no way you'll be able to handle this without upsetting your friends. If your finances made any break impossible that's one thing and hopefully they'd understand. But what you're doing is choosing to afford another holiday with other people over the one you agreed to with them. That's your right of course, as its your right to see Marbella as preferable to centre parcs, but you can't expect to do that and cause no offence or upset. Particularly as you dropping out will cost them all more than they budgeted for.

I'm sorry OP, but I think you've caused this through your failure to make a sensible decision at the time. Your expenses are not unexpected and you should have thought harder before involving yourself in something that will effect others. I think the least you can do is pay the £100 so they're not left covering you. Or accept they will be pretty annoyed with you.

Cancelling will be more stressful and you will feel guilty, potentially jepordasing friendships. Not worth it. Just save up and go. Note to self - dont comit so far ahead in the future. I always say when people suggest holidays so far ahead 'sorry I just dont know how my finances will be then so probably best if you count me out'

It's a really shit thing to do. Commit to something, then pull out, say you prefer going on holiday with another group of friends and then try and duck out of the financial and organisational impact of your own choices.

If I was your friend, I'd be pissed off in the short term, but happy in the long term that I don't have to waste any more energy or friendship on you.

It sounds like the OP can afford either the CP holiday with friends or the Marbella holiday with DH but not both. I feel the OP is being asked to chose who she prioritises - friends or DH. Either way, who ever she choses she is going to piss the other party off. She cannot win and in either her friends or DHs eyes, she will be bad cop.

I agree with @Seaweed42 ''Maybe you are the sort of person who agrees too quickly to please the other person'' I am like this too, I know EXACTLY how it feels when you are put on the spot.

As literally just posted on another thread where friends are dropping out of an event, you are being incredible self-centred and flaky so whilst you are of course entitled to do what you want, don't be surprised if it doesn't sour your relationship.
If you still insist on dropping out, don't use finances as an excuse if it's a year away and you're still managing to go to Marbella (this is the holiday you should be cancelling if finances are tight) and at the very least offer to pay the £100 accommodation so they don't all lose out or have to rearrange their plans.

Have you checked how much a smaller cabin would be?
I imagine they'll still be paying more per person. They'd also probably lose the deposit as well.

Mortgage rates are going down a bit, you'd have known about this before, and I don't blame your friends for being pissed off. It's probably not going to be easy to fill your space.

Why don't you take a bit less spending money to Marbella instead? When we go to centre parcs we do our own food, and you don't have to do expensive activities. Surely going and doing it on a strict budget is better than not going at all?

If it's genuinely an extra £100 then yes YABU.

Go or don't go, but if you back out now and don't pay you'll lose that friendship group for sure.

There are lots of options that won't cost you loads. Just say upfront you're short of funds so you'll skip any activities that cost, bring your own food and try and car share to reduce petrol costs.

Or you go for one or two nights rather than the full 4 nights.

Really if you didn't want to go you should have said beforehand rather than waiting until it's been booked. CP has dynamic pricing so doubtless the cost of lodging will have gone up.

That’s a shitty thing to do to your friends. Or you might find them ex friends tbh.

Exactly this. Surely covering everyone's deposit would cost more?

What is it you want to happen with this friendship group? If you want to keep it, you will have to come up with the £100. You don't get to cost other people money or hassle and expect them to be okay with it. If £100 is more important than your friends then crack on as you are and make sure you are treating your couple friends better or you'll end up with no one.

okay so I am going to assume that Marbella was booked and paid for after the Center Parcs trip. Because it does look like you have had a better offer, and taken it.

Which of course - you are allowed to do that, but equally your friendship group is going to be annoyed that you have palmed them off to go somewhere else instead.

As it is strange to me that your friends don't know that you are also meant to be going to Marbella next year too - it's the sort of thing that would come up in conversation when discussing holidays and trips I would of thought, especially if it's all already booked and paid for. Would you not atleast of mentioned of I can do XYZ date because I have other trip/trips next year. I dunno - that's the way it comes across to me, mortgage seems like a red herring.

It is not much money, if you are skint you could easily make this doing a bit of babysitting, dog walking or a few shifts for an agency, you could just sell off some stuff in ebay. I think you just don’t want to go and in my view you just join the ranks of the flakey people that cancel or don ‘t turn up for things and totally piss their friends off. Strange that you are prioritising Marbella.

I think it's fine to drop out but you must cover any costs that this causes.

Imagine if you decide to stick with it and save up even though it will be tight financially. If some else drops out and it then costs you kits that's not fair.

Fine to not go, not fine for it to cost others more

Pay the balance of the booking to the CP friends, it can't be that expensive and you will have paid to get rid of these friends that you clearly don't like very much anyway.

Your superior close friends with their fancy holiday will absolutely never have a cheap CP break that will interfere with your tighter new budget.

I think if you can find the money you should go . You don't want to let these friends down and risk the friendship. I can see how they would be annoyed with you and feel ditched for the other group if you cancel and then go on the other hol. Go and have a great time and then be more careful with money for a bit to balance to books again . Your own independent friendships are sooooo important, more so in some ways than the joint friends.