Pulling out of a holiday with friends - AIBU

[ohdearwhatnow12]

I really need some advice on how to handle a difficult situation with my closest friend group. Earlier this year, I agreed to a trip to Centre Parcs next year. At the time, everyone was excited and I said yes, but I’ve since realised it’s just not going to be manageable for me.

To be completely honest, I’m not a huge fan of Centre Parcs anyway (not really into the idea of 4 days of activities and loads of kids), but the bigger issue is financial. My mortgage is up for renewal, and with interest rates going up, I need to prioritise my budget as our mortgage is going to double.
I’ve also already got another trip to Marbella booked with mine and my partner’s close friendship group, which is paid for, but need to save for spending money and my friend doesn’t know about that yet, and I know she’ll be pissed off when she finds out.

We’ve only paid a £50 deposit for Centre Parcs so far, so no one will lose money if I drop out, maybe the deposit - but they will need to find someone else to fill my space, or it’ll end up costing them more. I have briefly mentioned I might not be able to go, and the response I got was, ‘What, you can’t find £100?’ But it’s not just that—it’s the fuel, money for while I’m there, activities everyone will want to do, food, and so on. It all adds up quickly, and it’s a bigger commitment than just that initial amount. Then she said I can’t expect people to pay more if we can't find anyone else. I mean, I'm not sure what she's insinuating with that response. I've suggested cancelling the current cabin, and moving to a smaller one so it won't cost anyone any extra and worst case if they lose the deposit I'll cover that loss and I got a response 'thanks I will taaaaaaa' sarcasm at its finest.

AIBU?

The bottom line is you are choosing another holiday and another friendship group over them. Of course they will be annoyed with you.

There is no good way to dress this up and make it look good. All you can do is give them as much notice as possible and apologise for messing them about.

I agree with most posters.
If you want to drop out, then pay your share of the accommodation (which sounds like it's an additional £100).
And then try to think of a way to spin your holiday to Marbella that doesn't sound like you don't really like this group of friends.

Alternatively, flag that money is tight and aim for self catering and cheap/free activities to avoid additional costs. If these people are your closest friends then they will hopefully compromise.

I think the trouble is that nothing in your situation has changed. All your excuses were known in advance. Your not going changes the dynamic. A smaller cabin, probably fewer facilities (some come with jacuzzi etc…), fewer people makes it less fun in itself. It’s not necessarily all about the cost, people will be excited for the trip and now there is a change in plans just because you’ve changed your mind.

I think you approached it badly with your friends, I’d be annoyed too honestly

Yep it's really shitty behaviour towards your friends. The friend rule is that you pay for your accommodation whether you go or not so that others don't lose out financially.

I think the issue here is that you don't really want to go now. I get it, it's hard to say no to things, especially when everyone else is up for it and excited. I suspect that if it was something you really wanted to go to you'd find the money between now and then (no judgement because I get it.) Not a massive fan of CP either but we do always have a good time when we're there. As other people have said, there's lots of free activities at CP and you can eat in etc. If the thought of 4 days is too much, maybe go for less days? I do think your friends will be upset if you don't go, especially as you have another weekend away booked so I'd probably go for less days if I knew I wasn't going to particularly enjoy it and just grin and bear it tbh! You'll probably have a laugh when you're there and the kids will really enjoy it, plus your friendships won't be affected!

It's next year - surely there is time for them to find someone else to go in the OP's place?

Honestly, I think you're using finances as an excuse because you just don't want to go. Your mortgage increase isn't something the bank springs on you as a surprise, and you've got plenty of time to save. You're managing to make it work for Marbella, funny that!

Why not grow a spine and admit to your friend that it's really just not your cup of tea, cover the cost of your accomodation, and accept the potential fallout with your friends?

I'd just pay the £100 for the accommodation so no one else is out of pocket and leave it at that, then you're saving the spending money you were stressed about spending.

This.

I do think it’s sometimes easy to get caught up in the moment and agree to things you later regret — but in that case, I think you need to pull out ASAP, and be honest as you can as to why. If there’s money involved (ie, already paid out, or others will owe more as a result of you pulling out), I think you have to suck it up and pay your share. You committed to going, after all, and they shouldn’t be out of pocket because you’ve changed your mind.

It's going to massively damage your friendships because it comes off like you're binning off them and their cheap shitty uk break to centre parcs in favour of your boyfriend and the glamour of a foreign holiday.

Whilst playing the money is tight card, which it might actually be for them.

It looks so bad all round.

My opinion is that you need to stick to your commitment. Don't pull out unless you wish to kiss them goodbye as friends.

Do not agree to go on another holiday with them next year but THINK that you will also be going on one with partner and prioritise realistically..

This is a good life lesson for you. Don’t ever agree to something to until you had a thought about it. You didn’t want to go in the first place so you should have never agreed in the first place.

I'd be pissed off that you said you would go, bailed out on financial grounds but can afford to go to Marbella why did you agree to go when it's not your thing?? If it's next year I'm sure you could save you are not obliged to do the activities and if it was my friend who said they needed to stick to a budget on the trip I would respect that.
Oh and your friend is implying that you will still be paying as you committed to the trip. It's not up to them to find a replacement or swap to a different cabin and lose deposits etc

I totally get you OP. I go away with friends every year, abroad. It is now a tradition/a given that we go away. The last few years I have not wanted to go, due to reasons I am not going to go into, but I feel expected to go and I know it would severely affect (if not ruin) relationships with these friends if I didn't go. I would not go away with my friends but I would still go on other holidays with DH in the year. My friends would be really really pissed off with this.

I just about have the cash to go away with friends, it's a struggle every year, but for the amount of money the holiday with my friends will cost, I would rather spend the money on other things that DH and I can both enjoy. After all, its his money too as we have a joint account for all funds. Things have happened on the friends holidays over the years which have gradually put me off wanting to go. In the last week my friends have been discussing where to book etc and I am just grimacing at the thought of what I am going to have to pay out (initially around £1k for flights and hotel, plus spending money).

Well there's no law against being a flake but it's very poor form to let your friends down because you've changed your mind. If you make a commitment you should stick to it unless you have good reason.

I've stopped inviting flakey friends to things. I stick to the ones I know I can rely on.

Exactly this. No issue going to Marbella but suddenly can’t afford Center Parcs.

I would be really pissed off if a friend let me down like that.

It's far too awkward. Inviting someone not normally part of the key group after it's been booked is impossible to do without making the new person feel like they are only invited to save the rest of the group money. Which damages that relationship because its true.

You don't have to go. It's totally your choice.

But not going does make you a shit friend.

If you're going to be a shit friend do everyone a favour and don't make rubbish (and they do sound rubbish) excuses - own the fact that you're not someone who can be relied upon. Because that's the truth and that's OK, turns out not everyone is great.

Agree with everyone else - you're being really unreasonable.

If you pull out you need to pay all your accommodation costs in full so that your friends aren't out of pocket because of your flakiness.

You're a really bad friend, and this would be the last time I'd invite you anywhere.

Then she said I can’t expect people to pay more if we can't find anyone else. I mean, I'm not sure what she's insinuating with that response.
That's crystal clear, pay your share. I'd be pissed off about the other holiday when that comes to light. You can afford to go overseas with your DPs mates but can't be bothered with a short domestic holiday with your friends and want them to change their plans so your not out of pocket for flaking on your friends.

@atinycarrottandI

Real friends wouldn't want you to endure hardship to attend.

And nothing lasts forever. Just tell them you can't make it this year.

Maybe you are the sort of person who agrees too quickly to please the other person.
A great tip is to nearly ALWAYS say 'can I get back to about that' to everything you are asked to do.

Do they all have kids and you don't?
You are entitled to change your mind too.

Your friend's response was very rude, regardless. Yeah they'll be pissed off. But not about your contribution money-wise, but because they value your company and won't have that if you don't go.

But don't go and then be miserable and resentful because they 'made' you go.

Either go with joy or don't go at all.

@atinycarrottandI just say you won't be able to go this time! If you say from the get go then that's perfectly acceptable. You don't have to do anything. Don't feel obliged or pressured or like you have to do anything. If they're good friends they will understand. Not everyone can do everything all of the time. That doesn't make you a bad person! And if you're already dreading it, that tells you that it's not for you. It's hard saying no to things but that's why people then end up in these sticky situations! Far better to say thanks but no thanks from the get go. Nothing worse than dreading something and having to fork out for something you really don't want to do!

You haven’t said so expressly but am I right in thinking that this was a “girls’ holiday” with no children and no partners?

How far away next year? The timing is important.

Or is anyone else in the group bringing kids?

Have you actually been to CP before or are you just basing your objection on what you think it will be like?

How many others in the group? How close are you all? Were you sharing a room with anyone?

How long are you committed to your mortgage deal? Do you really know for a fact that it will double?

There really isn’t enough information to advise.

Its really poor form to agree to go then decide not to after it has been booked and expect not to pay your way still for the accommodation at least.
With centre parcs you cant just cancel it for a full refund if you haven't purchased their flex stay option. They would likely lose their whole deposit and would need to repay again for a smaller lodge.
You say its only £100 (which is very cheap for centre parcs anyway). It would be cheaper for you just to pay it and not go.
They will rightly be annoyed when they find out you have prioritised the Marbella holiday over the centre parcs holiday. Don't expect to be invited again even if you do pay your share still.