So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

[Mememeandmeagain]

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

I’m also struggling with this a bit.

Your DM managed to go into the kitchen and eat an entire birthday cake plus a whole box of chocolates without anyone seeing? You’ve said it was only your DC and DM there, how did she manage that??

Setting that aside, you’re prioritising your DM’s feelings over your DC’s well being. If the facts are as presented, then you need to stop exposing your DC to this. If you know what she’s like, then why are you trusting her with important things like your child’s birthday cake? If she has this long history of being unpleasant to you, and in recent years to other people too, then it’s absolute insanity to give her the opportunity to ruin everything.

Your DC may feel sorry for her but your job is to protect them.

That's a bit harsh. There are nicer ways to convince the OP to cut her toxic mother out of their lives. Her mother has done this to her since childhood so she is also a victim.

She is. But she is also a parent and can not allow her mother to abuse her children. It’s her job as a parent. Don’t you think?

Once someone ate my childs cake and chocolates at their own birthday party that would be it. My family havent been invited to my kids birthdays after they were about toddler age. They come round afterwards if they can, call on the day and send cards and presents. How old are your kids that she can contact them without going through you? How will they feel when they are older and realise their grandmother ruined all their birthdays, was rude and their mother did nothing and just let her turn up the next year to do the same thing?

I’d check the bin for the cake.

It can be hard to make friends If one is perceived as in any way “Different “ to the pack.

Kids are like pack animals, there is a dominant hierarchy, and any kid who doesn’t arse lick 👅 or kowtow can find themselves on the periphery.

This was my sons birthday. We were out celebrating with his friends, she stayed home because “she wasn’t feeling well”. We come home, and see no cake and no sweets

You can't trust her to behave. She's had zero consequences. She's clearly and attention seeker the best thing to do is cut her out of invitations. Then it might click in her to stop. You seriously cannot let this go on. What she said to your dd was very hurtful. Don't let your children be hurt by her anymore.

You are under-reacting, not over-reacting. Get this manipulative terror out of your kid's lives. Do you want them to grow up listening to her lies and threats and honestly, wickedness, the way you did? Surround them with decent people who truly LOVE your kids. This person does not love your children.
Geez, if you're coming on MN to ask, please consider taking the advice given. You can always maintain a relationship with her quite separately if you must. Do it for your kids.

“who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

Of course she said this to her physically disabled niece, of course she did…
I'm calling bullshit on this one. Nobody says this kind of shit and doesn’t get cast out by the whole family.

IL gate crashed our holiday for a few years reached point DH had enough - so we went else where. MIL got youngest alone and did a whole you'll hate it without me and I'll be upset routine.

When DD2 repeated it back - I reassured her - MIL and FIL did lots of holidays a years - she see them later that summer - and that we'd have a great time. Also told DH who was annoyed - but he kept on how much fun we'd have. We went had a great time. IL managed a holiday there first and became experts despite me having been there many times - this just annoyed me and less extent DH but didn't affect kids and I just ignored.

She didn't do it again as it didn't work.

I doubt it. Most people grow up with enough sense to see the big picture. Very few would be so keen to embrace victimhood that they would allow some unpleasant remarks from their grandmother on their birthday to define their childhood, and cause them to reject a good and loving mother.

@Mememeandmeagain If she's as bad as you say she is (and I don't doubt it for a second), then on their birthdays next time, tell her you're not celebrating them on the actual day of their birthday (make up a reason) and she hopefully won't come around that day, party in secret, so she won't spoil it? Is that do-able do you think? Or does she just drop by when she pleases making this a harder secret to keep? Worth a try, I suppose? Huge hugs to you, not a pleasant situation for you all. xo

that is quite a take on what the OP has said has been going on for a “few years”

She was cast out. No one in my family talks to her after this. Even though right after she said it she said “omg what tf did I just say, I’m such a stupid idiot. I must be losing my mind, I’m so sorry, wtf is wrong with me, I didn’t mean it, you are so talented and hardworking, any boss will be so lucky to have you, don’t listen to me, I’m just jealous of how successful you are” she says she had too much to drink.

she keeps begging for forgiveness but no one than me and my kids talk to her now.

The Op really doesn’t want to tell us how hold her children are does she?!

Nor whether she has a partner witnessing this

I thought she didn’t drink though

I’m just jealous of how successful you are” she says she had too much to drink

I thought you said she doesn't drink and judges anyone who does?

Exactly. She never drinks but says she had too much to drink with her new man before coming over. She couldn’t say no to him. For the first time in her life. She thinks we’re stupid.

such lies

obviously the family didn’t buy and no longer talks to her

yes she never drinks but used this excuse??? Swore she drank too much for first time ever with her new boyfriend before coming over.

”see this is why I don’t drink, the only time I let myself relax, this is what it does to people, it’s evil” she said

obv the family doesn’t want to hear it, or buying her pathetic excuses and lies, no one talks to her anymore

OP you need to protect your family from these damaging attacks. You can’t control her behaviour but you can keep her away and you must.

i don’t want to post too much identifying information and I don’t see how knowing their ages would help. How their ages are relevant.

may I ask how knowing their age would change your answer?

I think you are the only one who asked

my husband and I are separated, but he is in the kids lives.

I mean, to be honest, I think this is all your fault. You're letting her do this to you and your children. You need to block her on your kids phones/social media etc so she can go manipulating them. Then you need to go low contact with her and not invite her to their parties, however much she cries. You know she's a selfish manipulative liar. I know how hard it is to let go of the hope she might change and one day be the kind of mother you deserve, but realistically she won't be. Don't let your kids suffer because you aren't strong enough to tell her to fuck off.

You can do this. You have a husband and kids who love you. You don't need her. She might need you- but if so then she needs to prove herself worthy of your love and care. Stealing her grandchild's birthday cake and chocolates and prioritising herself by buying her favourite cake shows she is not worthy of your time.

Just stop inviting her and stop her contacting your children. She can’t manipulate them if you don’t allow her to contact them. She sounds horrendous and I am sorry you’re in this horrible situation, but your kids need to be protected from her and you’re not doing that.