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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 15:51

So after all these posts Op

You are going to do…. bugger all (and start a thread next year)

Are you by any chance quite reliant on her childcare?

neverstartingstory · 13/10/2024 15:56

You kids aren’t going to learn boundaries if you don’t start teaching them. Accepting this behaviour is priming them to not recognize manipulative and abusive partners.

Protect your kids. Don’t let her near them. What she said to your daughter was deliberately cruel. Utterly unacceptable.

TofuTart · 13/10/2024 15:58

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 15:38

i don’t want to post too much identifying information and I don’t see how knowing their ages would help. How their ages are relevant.

may I ask how knowing their age would change your answer?

I think you are the only one who asked

my husband and I are separated, but he is in the kids lives.

Edited

I get you don't want it to be too outing, but was only asking as I think it's relevant to know an average age as how is she going behind your back crying and manipulating to them?
They must be fairly older?

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 15:59

TofuTart · 13/10/2024 15:58

I get you don't want it to be too outing, but was only asking as I think it's relevant to know an average age as how is she going behind your back crying and manipulating to them?
They must be fairly older?

exactly
the idea that age isn’t relevant… is weird

ttcat37 · 13/10/2024 16:04

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 15:25

She was cast out. No one in my family talks to her after this. Even though right after she said it she said “omg what tf did I just say, I’m such a stupid idiot. I must be losing my mind, I’m so sorry, wtf is wrong with me, I didn’t mean it, you are so talented and hardworking, any boss will be so lucky to have you, don’t listen to me, I’m just jealous of how successful you are” she says she had too much to drink.

she keeps begging for forgiveness but no one than me and my kids talk to her now.

Edited

Why would you and your kids continue to talk to her? How could anybody after saying that? It’s unforgivable. I’m not buying it.

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 16:06

TofuTart · 13/10/2024 15:58

I get you don't want it to be too outing, but was only asking as I think it's relevant to know an average age as how is she going behind your back crying and manipulating to them?
They must be fairly older?

Oh I see. They are teens. One just become a teenager.

OP posts:
Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 16:11

ttcat37 · 13/10/2024 16:04

Why would you and your kids continue to talk to her? How could anybody after saying that? It’s unforgivable. I’m not buying it.

She is still my mom. She begged for forgiveness. I kept forgiving her. Now I realize she isn’t going to change and she doesn’t mean the apologies. People still talk to parents/children after they’ve been caught doing horrible unforgivable things and jailed. Like domestic violence, assault, murder. i guess that’s how women keep going back to their abusers. I now realize after reading it must be love bombing

i don’t blame you for not believing me.

OP posts:
thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 16:12

ok so the upshot is

you plan to do nothing aside from mumsnet about it

kittylion2 · 13/10/2024 16:19

No more birthday parties
No more occasions
You visit her on your own terms and as soon as she flaps her mouth you leave

She already emotionally blackmails her grandchildren - tell her this. Say that you are on to her and your main job now is to protect them. Never mind all this "but she's my mother" malarkey - she can be treated like a loving mother and grandmother if and when she starts behaving like one. She is not invited to occasions at yours and she is not to emotionally blackmail your children into trying to persuade you to invite her. Tell them this too.

localnotail · 13/10/2024 16:22

Your mum obviously has some sort of a mental health problem. Or she just really hates you all, as someone said before.

Go NC with her. And tell your kids to do the same.

ttcat37 · 13/10/2024 16:26

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 16:11

She is still my mom. She begged for forgiveness. I kept forgiving her. Now I realize she isn’t going to change and she doesn’t mean the apologies. People still talk to parents/children after they’ve been caught doing horrible unforgivable things and jailed. Like domestic violence, assault, murder. i guess that’s how women keep going back to their abusers. I now realize after reading it must be love bombing

i don’t blame you for not believing me.

Edited

I’m not sure that people do talk to their parents after doing horrific things. Perhaps a small minority. I think you need to stop normalising it. You’re putting your kids through this by not setting boundaries. You don’t have to speak to your mother. Just cut her off.

NiftyKoala · 13/10/2024 16:28

Tiredofallthis101 · 13/10/2024 15:38

I mean, to be honest, I think this is all your fault. You're letting her do this to you and your children. You need to block her on your kids phones/social media etc so she can go manipulating them. Then you need to go low contact with her and not invite her to their parties, however much she cries. You know she's a selfish manipulative liar. I know how hard it is to let go of the hope she might change and one day be the kind of mother you deserve, but realistically she won't be. Don't let your kids suffer because you aren't strong enough to tell her to fuck off.

You can do this. You have a husband and kids who love you. You don't need her. She might need you- but if so then she needs to prove herself worthy of your love and care. Stealing her grandchild's birthday cake and chocolates and prioritising herself by buying her favourite cake shows she is not worthy of your time.

I agree with this. You're children have been hurt yet you don't stop her. All the family cut her off but you still invite her. Be a mother and protect your kids.

Irridescantshimmmer · 13/10/2024 16:28

She has got less emotional intelligence of an inanimate object.

redskydarknight · 13/10/2024 16:31

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 16:06

Oh I see. They are teens. One just become a teenager.

And have by any chance the nasty remarks towards your children and not just yourself started when they were around age 9-10 and at an age where they started to form their own opinions and be less sweet and amenable?

I'm guessing yes. Classic narcissist behaviour. I would expect that if you tell your children that you now realise how bad granny is and apologise for making them put up with her and that you didn't fully understand earlier, they might surprise you and say that they had realised this for themselves and were only putting up with her to humour you.

At least that's what my children did, in a situation that sounds very like yours.

You've been conditioned literally from birth not to realise how unpleasant her behaviour is ("you're the problem; you're too oversensitive; you made me do it"). Keep opening your eyes.

DoTheDinosaurStomp · 13/10/2024 16:43

What a horrible, horrible woman. Cut her right out of your life, show your children that people can't treat them like this.

StaunchMomma · 13/10/2024 16:44

Why do you invite her when you know she's going to be a twat?

Tell her she's not coming next time and don't rely on her for anything.

pikkumyy77 · 13/10/2024 16:55

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 16:11

She is still my mom. She begged for forgiveness. I kept forgiving her. Now I realize she isn’t going to change and she doesn’t mean the apologies. People still talk to parents/children after they’ve been caught doing horrible unforgivable things and jailed. Like domestic violence, assault, murder. i guess that’s how women keep going back to their abusers. I now realize after reading it must be love bombing

i don’t blame you for not believing me.

Edited

It takes a long time for any child to recognize that their parent has a personality disorder and is abusive/neglectful. You are still very much in a child mindset in which you can’t conceive of really confronting and holding her accountable for her absolutely horrendous bad acts. For you this most recent cruelty to your daughter is the thing that has finally awakened your anger and disgust. You know your children are innocent and deserve better from the adults in their lives.

Maybe it takes writing it out here to see the full horror of her lifelong narcissism and cruelty to you and everyone around you. As others have said look it up. She fits the criteria for covert narcissism: manipulative, self centered, cruel, then the relapse into martyrdom and faux apologies.

Look at books like Adult Children of the Emotionally Immature. It will help you underthat her lifeling patterns can not be changed. You can scold, cry, beg and plead but she will never be even appropriate, let alone caring or kind. She must spoil other people’s special moments so definitionally just as you are putting yourself out to host or to honour someone she is determined to shit all over you and the occasion. Stop letting her. Just NEVER see her with other family. NEVER ask her for favours or to share costs or gifts She will always fuck it up

Coastallife36385 · 13/10/2024 17:01

She is manipulative. You need to take back control to protect your children and yourself. Of course she is no longer invited to any parties and tell her very seriously that if she tries that on again (begging your kids to go to the party or any other comments about it), she will lose all contact with her grandchildren. You are not kidding and to giving in to her manipulative behavior.

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 17:06

my grandparents died when I was young, but she always talks about how much they disliked her, couldn’t stand her but loved her brother

hmmm I wonder why

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 13/10/2024 17:07

She’s horrible and she isn’t going to change. If she starts, you need to kick her out and show her you’re serious. She’s bullying your kids/you then gaslighting that you’re just ‘too sensitive’ when actually, she’s just a fucking bitch.

Notfinanciallyresponsibleforyou · 13/10/2024 17:10

FFS we have the same mother! I had a big bust up with my mum and said she needed job/hobbies/friends. She reached the stage where she could drain life out of a corpse. All attention had to be on her as the centre of the universe. Hated the fact that I left, have a good career and don’t need to beg for help which is just as well as any help would have strings attached.

just go very low contact and don’t invite her to stuff where you think she will kick off. Your mother knows what’s she is doing

Lolapusht · 13/10/2024 17:11

Why does she do it? Because she’s a narcissist. She needs to be the centre of attention. She will manipulate, gaslight, threaten and plead to get what she wants.

What do you do about it? Drop the rope. Don’t invite her and actively tell her not to come. Go low contact. OR put up with it. Those are your options. Sorry!

Thunderpants88 · 13/10/2024 17:11

OP. Get a grip of yourself. Stand up and advocate for your children. You teach them by example how they should expect to be treated.

I would be going very very low
contact with you Mum and only meeting up with her on her own for coffee where you can walk away if she starts being inappropriate.

I would also be sending her a pointed and direct text
”Mum your recent behaviour and history of inappropriate and hurtful comments have gone on long enough. I am sick of having to police your conversation. You do not heed social queues or have any respect for anyone’s feelings around you. You also make fake and false apologies before going back to the exact same behaviour. You are an adult. You are in full control of what comes out of your mouth. Until I see consistent evidence of change you are not welcome to any special occasions. You will not manipulate your way out of this.

You have chosen how you behave. When you take accountability of this, reflect and change we can hopefully spend more time together. I will stand my ground. What happens next is entirely your responsibility”

CantBelieveNaive · 13/10/2024 17:14

Tiredofallthis101 · 13/10/2024 15:38

I mean, to be honest, I think this is all your fault. You're letting her do this to you and your children. You need to block her on your kids phones/social media etc so she can go manipulating them. Then you need to go low contact with her and not invite her to their parties, however much she cries. You know she's a selfish manipulative liar. I know how hard it is to let go of the hope she might change and one day be the kind of mother you deserve, but realistically she won't be. Don't let your kids suffer because you aren't strong enough to tell her to fuck off.

You can do this. You have a husband and kids who love you. You don't need her. She might need you- but if so then she needs to prove herself worthy of your love and care. Stealing her grandchild's birthday cake and chocolates and prioritising herself by buying her favourite cake shows she is not worthy of your time.

Stop blaming the victim. Are you her mum? X

Terrribletwos · 13/10/2024 17:17

Sounds like your mother is a drunk and is abusive.

You need to go no contact asap.