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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 13/10/2024 14:11

MIL usually isn't trying to upset the kids - though she is me but she can make less obviously upsetting statement. If you can't avoid - and I do with one kids birthday now as had issues - then you make it clear the comments are unacceptable and make her look bad.

Spent years doing that so when she made a comment to DD1 about a meal out food portions when on cusp of adulthood ( she does this to all women) she did what I had been modeling for years - told her politely to wind her neck in.

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 13/10/2024 14:12

Your whole family is VVV Unreasonable for letting this go on for years. What on earth are you all thinking, letting your mother bully you all and damage your children? Get a grip and stop inviting her!

Dery · 13/10/2024 14:12

Your mother sounds absolutely awful.

Are you doing anything to help your DD find friends? If she doesn’t have friends at school, are there any outside activities she could engage in?

Rowena191 · 13/10/2024 14:13

This sort of thing happening time and time again is definitely weird and sounds like she is playing some kind of game. She is deliberately provoking you and when you understandably snap and tell her off she gets to play the martyr and garner lots of sympathy, while painting you as the villain. My suggestion is, don't invite her to the kids' main party so she can't ruin it with her bad behaviour. Invite just her to a separate birthday tea, and grey rock her, give her no reaction when she starts her tricks. I bet she gives up this nonsense quite quickly when she gets no payback. If necessary let the kids in on it, say we are going to ignore Grandma if she says or does something silly.

Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 14:13

OK so call her out on her beliefs that something is wrong. Tell her that you agrer something is wrong and that she needs to see a doctor. Tell her that as she sees something is wrong too she must understand why she can no longer attend these events until she has received some treatment. Put it back on her. Your poor DD. What are your DD's interests?

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:13

Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 14:11

OP, has she always been like this or is it a change in recent years? She may need to see the doctor. It rings alarm bells for a few conditions.

I wouldn't invite her anymore either. Her behaviour is rude and harmful for you and your DD.

Agree with PP about helping build up your DD. Are there clubs or hobbies that she can join to help make some friends?

Always been like this to me. Always making rude comments. She was always nice to kids and other family though, it’s the last few years she showing her true colours.

OP posts:
GG1986 · 13/10/2024 14:14

Wow if this was my mum she wouldn't be invited and I would be telling her exactly why she isn't invited.

TeabySea · 13/10/2024 14:15

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:10

I didn’t want to invite her. She’s very manipulative. Every year, She goes to my kids crying how something wrong with them because they are too sensitive or begging for forgiveness, saying she’ll never behave like this again, how she might be losing her mind, how she keeps talking rubbish, how there might be something wrong with her, how she might not have long left and if she misses their birthday she would fall into deep depression” so they say I should forgive and invite grandma again

But she’s always been like this when I was growing up. She was just nice to the kids and rest of family. It’s the last few years she been showing her true colours to every one.

Edited

If she keeps saying that she thinks she is long her mind then tell her you'll help her make an appointment with the doctor and come along

If she refuses then I think you can ssume its deliberate and stop inviting her.

Other people are going to be aware of her behaviour and won't be surprised at her absence.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/10/2024 14:15

Have you tried listing the things she says and when she says them and asking her if she really thinks those topics are appropriate at those times?

I agree that I would actually stop inviting her to any sort of special occasion. Just don't invite her. If she isn't invited, she can't bring the mood down, can she?

As for your kid being bullied - I'd recommend signing them up for some self defence classes where they can learn skills and make friends there. Also speech and drama classes help the person that is being bullied. If the bullying happens in school time, make sure that the school are aware of it and tell them that they have a duty of care to protect your kid (just as much as they do to the bully) but that it isn't acceptable that your kid is the one being picked on and bullied and you won't hesitate in reporting it further up the chain if needs be.

Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 14:15

So it has ramped up in recent years. I would still tell her that she needs to see a doctor and get help.

Awful behaviour. I am sorry OP.

Dotto · 13/10/2024 14:16

You need to protect your children then. She can't have any way to access or communicate with them.

Notsandwiches · 13/10/2024 14:16

I would be doing something without her, ideally away from home, so she can't just turn up. Extremely attention seeking behaviour on her part.

Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 14:17

I agree about self defence or other clubs for your DD.

Are the school involved with helping her with the bullying?

Thankfulforthislillife · 13/10/2024 14:18

Op people who said things like ‘oh I can’t believe I said that’ or ‘I must be losing my mind’ knowing exactly what they’re doing and they act soft and naive. My granny does it all the time and it’s infuriating and to be honest I only cottoned onto it recently. Or she’ll say something and say ‘awk sure you know I didn’t mean it like that, I don’t think like that’ and she’s given a by-ball every single time because she’s old and she’s the granny and is excellent at playing the victim; as your mum seems to be.

stop inviting her. Let you kids see what manipulation is so that they can call it out in later years. You need to do it more for your kids than yourself. Good luck x

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:18

TeabySea · 13/10/2024 14:15

If she keeps saying that she thinks she is long her mind then tell her you'll help her make an appointment with the doctor and come along

If she refuses then I think you can ssume its deliberate and stop inviting her.

Other people are going to be aware of her behaviour and won't be surprised at her absence.

shes always been mean to me growing up. And tell me how sensitive I was. And how I need antidepressants because it’s all in my head. Very nice to my kids and family though. ( until the last few years )

i did offer to take her to a doctor when she said something is wrong with her, a million times, she refuses

OP posts:
flyingmice · 13/10/2024 14:20

So you are letting her bully your children, year after year. Nice.

Codlingmoths · 13/10/2024 14:20

’kids, we won’t be having grandma around for your birthday this year. If she asks what the plan is you say I think mum has a plan, not sure. I’ll handle this.’

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 14:22

This is all so very bizarre.

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 14:22

why have you been subjecting your kids to this woman Op?

Jl2014 · 13/10/2024 14:23

So why do you keep inviting her then??

thanksanyway · 13/10/2024 14:23

shes always been mean to me growing up. And tell me how sensitive I was. And how I need antidepressants because it’s all in my head. Very nice to my kids and family though. ( until the last few years )

Your kids have been enduring this…. “the last few years”?

OP, parent up. And fast.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 13/10/2024 14:25

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:10

I didn’t want to invite her. She’s very manipulative. Every year, She goes to my kids crying how something wrong with them because they are too sensitive or begging for forgiveness, saying she’ll never behave like this again, how she might be losing her mind, how she keeps talking rubbish, how there might be something wrong with her, how she might not have long left and if she misses their birthday she would fall into deep depression” so they say I should forgive and invite grandma again

But she’s always been like this when I was growing up. She was just nice to the kids and rest of family. It’s the last few years she been showing her true colours to every one.

Edited

You just say at time - that is completely unacceptable thing to say.

Rest of time ignore the behavior that get her invited - you don't want her don't invite her - if that really too hard do something at anotehr time with her but still call out any comments.

If she cries and say there is something wrong with her - I've offered many time to make a GP appointment - either do that or stop blaming that for your behavior.

Toxic parents - maybe something like this can help with strategies. Your kids need protecting from this so if you can't do if for you - do it for them.

Inertia · 13/10/2024 14:25

I think you are under-reacting massively, probably because you’ve had a lifetime of this bullying.

Gently but frankly, you are not doing anywhere near enough to protect your children’s mental health from this toxicity.

No, it’s not normal.

No, you’re not being sensitive.

Just stop spending time with her, and grey rock the emotional blackmail. It’s time to woman up and protect your children.

Nothatgingerpirate · 13/10/2024 14:25

LeavesOnTrees · 13/10/2024 13:52

She sounds like a narcissist, having to bring the attention back to herself and ruin everyone's fun day.

Stop inviting her.

This.
I grew up with a narcissist mother and started healing at 45 yo.
Go low contact and don't invite her, how nasty her remarks are. She knows exactly what and when she's saying her 💩.

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 14:26

Are you sure this all actually happened? 🤔