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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
WYorkshireRose · 13/10/2024 13:47

Stop inviting her then 🤷‍♀️ Or just accept this is how she is.

MounjaroUser · 13/10/2024 13:48

Why are you going anywhere near this woman on special days? I'd be celebrating them without her - out of the area if necessary.

Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 13:50

This all sounds so upsetting. Has she always been like this? If not and it is a more in recent years I would get her to go to the doctors. Lack of empathy and saying inappropriate things can be a sign of some age related neurological conditions.

LeavesOnTrees · 13/10/2024 13:52

She sounds like a narcissist, having to bring the attention back to herself and ruin everyone's fun day.

Stop inviting her.

Lucytheloose · 13/10/2024 13:53

Sorry but your mum sounds horrible. Do you really want her around your child?

Fraaahnces · 13/10/2024 13:55

She’s vile. Don’t subject your kids to this attention-seeking cow. She’s bullying them at their own birthday parties.

Attelina · 13/10/2024 13:56

She sounds dim and a trouble maker.

Why invite her.

Concentrate on building up your child's self and getting her involved in hobbies where she can make friends.

PinkArt · 13/10/2024 13:57

Of course you don't invite her again. Once, maybe twice with the inappropriate comments could be a mistake. She's doing it every time though AND buying a cake the kids can't eat AND eating their fucking cake and chocolates. That's not someone who is a bit ditzy or unaware, that's someone who has a problem of some kind.
She might just be a bitch, she might have have signs of something neurological but when she's upsetting everyone on their birthday she needs to stop coming to the birthdays.

ahemfem · 13/10/2024 13:57

Stop inviting her!

Scutterbug · 13/10/2024 13:57

No more inviting her to celebrations. She’s behaving appallingly.

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 13/10/2024 13:57

Find an excuse to exclude her from events.

Actually no - tell her why you are excluding her from special events.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 13/10/2024 13:59

You are unreasonable to keep inviting her. Just stop. Don't say anything about any arrangements. If you must say something, say you are going to pictures/paintballing/go karting, and no she can't come because you've already booked and paid for the tickets.
She is selfish and greedy. She does not deserve to be part of these celebrations.

outdamnedspots · 13/10/2024 14:00

The first time my mum did this, I'd have a stern word. If she did it again I wouldn't ask her to any other birthdays or celebrations. She sounds vile and selfish. Narcissist?? Maybe.

Why do you still see her? Some counselling might help.

Needmorelego · 13/10/2024 14:00

Stop inviting her.

Dotto · 13/10/2024 14:00

She sounds horrible and as if she hates you all, why bother keeping in contact? Ignore her.

2kbak · 13/10/2024 14:01

Don’t invite her.

Next year, for your child’s bday, take them somewhere nice and don’t tell her.

She sounds evil.

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:02

“I’m shocked, I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me lol” “I thought I was the only one wishing you happy birthday all these years lol” today she says my daughter and i how extremely sensitive we are and how there’s nothing wrong with that comment.

am I sensitive? Or this rude saying this especially knowing granddaughter has no friends

OP posts:
Sepoctnov · 13/10/2024 14:03

I hope this is a wind-up as this is all just awful.

If not then welcome to the world of daughters like me. She sounds unhinged and very much like my hysterical, cruel, narcissistic DM. It's never too late to start realising what your DM is really like, and start protecting your own children from this shit.

saveforthat · 13/10/2024 14:03

She sounds mentally ill.

Dotto · 13/10/2024 14:04

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:02

“I’m shocked, I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me lol” “I thought I was the only one wishing you happy birthday all these years lol” today she says my daughter and i how extremely sensitive we are and how there’s nothing wrong with that comment.

am I sensitive? Or this rude saying this especially knowing granddaughter has no friends

Edited

No it's not just rude, it's deliberate, spiteful, nasty and abusive.

Lottemarine · 13/10/2024 14:05

It sounds like she has no emotional intelligence. Set boundaries and keep distance if necessary.

Sepoctnov · 13/10/2024 14:07

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:02

“I’m shocked, I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me lol” “I thought I was the only one wishing you happy birthday all these years lol” today she says my daughter and i how extremely sensitive we are and how there’s nothing wrong with that comment.

am I sensitive? Or this rude saying this especially knowing granddaughter has no friends

Edited

You are definitely not being oversensitive. If anything you haven't fully realised how shit your DM is and the impact she has had on you and your DC.

From my experience you probably put up with her because you feel like otherwise you are being a bad DD. Read back what you've written about her (and I'm sure you've got lots of other examples) and ask yourself what you'd think of a friend who did this

CautiousLurker · 13/10/2024 14:10

Just never invite her again. The dynamic with her and you/your family may actually be a contributing factor in your DD’s low self esteem and why she is picked on at school. Frankly I’d go as close to no contact as you can and work on building your children’s self esteem by only surrounding them with people who are respectful and compassionate in their interactions with you and your DCs. I’d also look into programmes/activities where your DD can meet new children doing things she loves and work on building friendships outside school.

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:10

I didn’t want to invite her. She’s very manipulative. Every year, She goes to my kids crying how something wrong with them because they are too sensitive or begging for forgiveness, saying she’ll never behave like this again, how she might be losing her mind, how she keeps talking rubbish, how there might be something wrong with her, how she might not have long left and if she misses their birthday she would fall into deep depression” so they say I should forgive and invite grandma again

But she’s always been like this when I was growing up. She was just nice to the kids and rest of family. It’s the last few years she been showing her true colours to every one.

OP posts:
Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 14:11

OP, has she always been like this or is it a change in recent years? She may need to see the doctor. It rings alarm bells for a few conditions.

I wouldn't invite her anymore either. Her behaviour is rude and harmful for you and your DD.

Agree with PP about helping build up your DD. Are there clubs or hobbies that she can join to help make some friends?

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