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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
Whatafustercluck · 16/10/2024 07:56

She sounds like my mil (except mil has fewer redeeming characteristics in between birthdays and all the kids hate seeing her). My dh is currently deciding whether to go low contact or no contact to preserve his own mental health. In truth, I think she has been mentally unwell for many years, but there comes a point where you have to stop making excuses for them and prioritise yourself and your family.

Mememeandmeagain · 16/10/2024 11:53

WearyAuldWumman · 15/10/2024 14:53

I thought you said she doesn’t drink?

I explained this above.

she doesn’t drink but uses this excuse when we were angry at her

she explained how she drank for the first time with her boyfriend ever before coming over and had too much

we obviously didn’t buy it

OP posts:
Mememeandmeagain · 16/10/2024 12:08

Josette77 · 15/10/2024 05:00

You're an only child, who are your niece and nephews parents? What do they say?

my husbands siblings. She befriended his sister and her kids (before this behavior), they no longer talk to her.

OP posts:
Mememeandmeagain · 16/10/2024 12:23

traybake81 · 15/10/2024 06:05

another hole

along with mother never drinking alcohol and judging anyone who does but then blaming it on drink

separated from husband but then referring him to “me and my husband go outside”

and apparently the mother ONLY being cruel on birthdays but every other day being kind and “so lovely” and 🤔

and now the “i am an only child” but with nieces and nephews

Edited
  1. They are husbands nephews and nieces by blood. By marriage, this makes them my nieces and nephews too
  2. My husband and I have been talking recently. There’s talk about him moving back in. I hope we can get back together. That’s why I didn’t say ex. Do you think I should have all these unnecessary irrelevant details in my post? Told all my life story?
  3. yes, she doesn’t drink, judges anyone who drinks but used this excuse when everyone was mad at her. We were just as confused as you are. Why is it shocking to believe someone who’d start talking about burials and funerals at someone’s party would make no sense? Why do you think people on here are suggesting she has dementia or some brain condition?These are not actions of a sane person. She realized they werent buying her “omg it just slipped out, don’t remember saying this, I must have dementia, I need a doctor” excuse.
  4. why is it so shocking she would be nice every other time? Isn’t that how abusers act? Do you think if they acted horrible all the time they’d be able to continue abusing people? Why do you think women keep going back to their abusers? It’s called love bombing. They hurt you then act super sweet and apologetic. After doing some reading I now realize this

Im just as confused as you are

The whole reason I even posted on here because I was wondering if this is some sort of brain problem or she is just an abuser faking memory loss

this is why I didn’t want to post on here. Every time someone posts there is a bunch of people accusing op of lying.

which sucks because the advice here is so useful and great

OP posts:
TheMamaLife · 16/10/2024 12:36

Mememeandmeagain · 16/10/2024 12:23

  1. They are husbands nephews and nieces by blood. By marriage, this makes them my nieces and nephews too
  2. My husband and I have been talking recently. There’s talk about him moving back in. I hope we can get back together. That’s why I didn’t say ex. Do you think I should have all these unnecessary irrelevant details in my post? Told all my life story?
  3. yes, she doesn’t drink, judges anyone who drinks but used this excuse when everyone was mad at her. We were just as confused as you are. Why is it shocking to believe someone who’d start talking about burials and funerals at someone’s party would make no sense? Why do you think people on here are suggesting she has dementia or some brain condition?These are not actions of a sane person. She realized they werent buying her “omg it just slipped out, don’t remember saying this, I must have dementia, I need a doctor” excuse.
  4. why is it so shocking she would be nice every other time? Isn’t that how abusers act? Do you think if they acted horrible all the time they’d be able to continue abusing people? Why do you think women keep going back to their abusers? It’s called love bombing. They hurt you then act super sweet and apologetic. After doing some reading I now realize this

Im just as confused as you are

The whole reason I even posted on here because I was wondering if this is some sort of brain problem or she is just an abuser faking memory loss

this is why I didn’t want to post on here. Every time someone posts there is a bunch of people accusing op of lying.

which sucks because the advice here is so useful and great

Edited

OP, ignore those who are insinuating that you might be telling lies or exaggerating because you know what is the truth and what is not.

Take advice from posters, if it resonates with you and your situation. Some here take the time to comment because maybe your situation resonates with them, and then there are others who are here because they just want to leave sassy comments / fortunate enough to have never experienced firsthand or secondhand this type of abuse from anyone let alone a family member.

I know it has nothing to do with your original post, but I’m very happy to hear that you and your husband might be getting back together. I hope this time round it’s made you stronger as a couple. Sometimes it takes a break up to really reboot a partnership.

Best of luck to you on this and whatever you choose to do about your mother.

pinkgrevillea · 16/10/2024 14:06

Unfortunately there are some bored, sad, greasy-keyboard weirdos on MN who have nothing better to do than bait and insult complete strangers, and they are the small but tedious price you pay for the genuinely wise posters.

CeruleanDive · 16/10/2024 14:23

@Mememeandmeagain, you won't get this kind of disbelief and nit-picking on the Stately Homes thread as posters there have had similar behaviour from family in their lives. Some of it you have to experience to easily believe.

JollyZebra · 17/10/2024 19:09

Stop giving her the stage on which she performs!

Ban her.

BessiePage · 17/10/2024 19:33

Yeah , my mother is similar, if I'm ill , it's " oh that's nothing" , there's lots to say but ...

Nursebydaywitchbynight · 17/10/2024 19:46

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

Mother or not she would be nowhere near me, my family or new life

SpatulaSpatula · 17/10/2024 20:04

I don't know why you're getting abuse. I fully believe you. Some people are narcissists. Anyone who doesn't know her well she manages to fool. Anyone close she abuses. Cut loose.

Notfinanciallyresponsibleforyou · 17/10/2024 20:13

Stay strong @Mememeandmeagain

Getting old is not an excuse for batshit behaviour and then playing ‘little old lady who may have dementia ‘ card. Call her out on that. Next time someone says something just say you have not see any evidence of a diagnosis.

If she is in demand as a private tutor she is just playing you and the family.

Devon23 · 17/10/2024 22:29

Does it only happen at birthdays? This sounds just like my dad, though he also was very volatile and abusive my whole childhood. Narcissistic sociopath not saying your mum is one but it's quite narky to want to upset people who are happy I.e. birthday and shift focus into themselves. They make you question yourself and feel like your going crazy overreacting. 5 years no contact and mentally free.

CosyLemur · 17/10/2024 23:02

Has she always been like this or is it recent? My uncle suddenly started acting similar to this - he had early onset dementia, we all honestly thought he was just being a dick, my auntie divorced him, his kids refused to see him etc.
I guess what I'm saying is please if it's recent as in last 5/10 years please get it checked. Early onset dementia apparently shows itself differently to other forms of dementia.

Justus6 · 17/10/2024 23:18

Sweetnessandbite · 13/10/2024 13:50

This all sounds so upsetting. Has she always been like this? If not and it is a more in recent years I would get her to go to the doctors. Lack of empathy and saying inappropriate things can be a sign of some age related neurological conditions.

My thoughts exactly. Before my granda was diagnosed with dementia he said some crazy things

Strawberrysherbets · 17/10/2024 23:29

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CeruleanDive · 18/10/2024 03:37

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If you haven't ever witnessed this type of pattern of behaviour in a family member then perhaps just count your blessings rather than goad OP. I have - different behaviours but a similar pattern. It is sanity-destroying. Not least because to outsiders it can look unbelievably bizarre.

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 18/10/2024 04:43

Bunnyhair · 13/10/2024 14:37

If you can doubt this is true, then be grateful you have a sane and loving family who have shaped your worldview in such a way that you struggle to believe people would behave this nastily and irrationally. It’s depressingly common.

So, so many people grow up with very disturbed and aggressive and manipulative family members. And when they grow up they come on MN and are barked at to raise their bar and stop putting up with it and stop being such a wet lettuce / doormat and told it’s their own fault everyone treats them badly. But their worldview has been shaped to see aggression and manipulation as just what families do, just what relationships are like. That is’s unrealistic to want anything more or different for themselves. They couldn’t see other people’s calm and respectful and stable homes as believable any more than you can see this poster’s experience as genuine.

Edited

Excellent post. I always think the posters who doubt stuff like this would be picked apart by someone like this if they ever had the misfortune to meet one…

Dreamsandlove19 · 18/10/2024 06:02

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Bourneo · 18/10/2024 07:42

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:10

I didn’t want to invite her. She’s very manipulative. Every year, She goes to my kids crying how something wrong with them because they are too sensitive or begging for forgiveness, saying she’ll never behave like this again, how she might be losing her mind, how she keeps talking rubbish, how there might be something wrong with her, how she might not have long left and if she misses their birthday she would fall into deep depression” so they say I should forgive and invite grandma again

But she’s always been like this when I was growing up. She was just nice to the kids and rest of family. It’s the last few years she been showing her true colours to every one.

Edited

I know it's so hard when it's family. But try and consider the message you're unintentionally sending to the kids by allowing her to manipulate them? If it was a friend, or partner when they're older, would you like them to stand for it?

Plus with your daughter being bullied, it's more important than ever that you teach healthy relationships. If it was me, I'd distance myself or cut her out and if your children are old enough to understand, I'd say, we're not seeing grandma because she was manipulative and lying. We don't allow people to treat us like that. If they're too young say she was unkind. They already know she was unkind. I think sometimes we get to protect children, but they already know a situation felt wrong to them. We think by ignoring it, it'll make it go away. But sometimes children need validation- yes, you were right to feel sad about what grandma did, it wasn't kind. We're going to take a break from seeing her for a while. We don't allow people to treat us that way.

I hope that helps. Must be such a hard situation to navigate.

CeruleanDive · 18/10/2024 09:11

This reply has been deleted

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"Those kind of people"? You think you're accurately describing people with learning disabilities?

Prize for a stunningly ignorant post needed here... 🥇

PadstowGirl · 18/10/2024 09:30

How old is your DD? Ask what she wants to do for her birthday and do that! Maybe a day out somewhere? Or an "experience" like a theatre trip. Don't invite your Mum, just say DD is older now and you are moving on form traditional birthday parties.

Zanina · 18/10/2024 10:22

I know someone like this but she is careful who she says the horrible things in front of. No one would believe me or even care to that matter. Once you get them away from you, you feel angry at how much they fucked with your head. I agree, I don't think many people have had the experience of these kinds of people. It's almost demonic. But I'd say these behaviours are triggered by jealousy. She may be jealous of your life, of you and how you are loved.

Phoenixfire1988 · 18/10/2024 14:51

I would of stopped inviting her a long time ago her eating my sons cake would of had me throwing her out and telling her she's not welcome since she ruined my child's birthday AGAIN

TheRealArticle · 19/10/2024 21:29

From your description your Mum sounds like a Narcissist. If so she cannot stand anyone else having the attention and will always bring it back to her through whatever means necessary. Including wrecking a child's birthday party or any other special event. The only thing you can do is not invite her as she will never change or self-moderate. At heart she doesn't even believe she's doing anything wrong! But whilst it might be tempting to tell her she's excluded and why, it will back-fire - she will turn on the tears, guilt trip you, make you out to be unhinged/the bad guy, etc. Even the 'I don't remember doing that' or 'it's my age' or 'I must have been sick' tactics are all classic denial she did anything wrong. Just don't invite her and all go out for a lovely meal somewhere without her - just don't make the mistake of telling her and make sure no-one else does either. Lie and say you can't be bothered this year or you're too busy, but be prepared for her to try to guilt trip you over that too. Narcissists are actually rather clever so don't be fooled by her excuses, however, others may be fooled. Well done for spotting what she's doing. You're not being over-sensitive, she's being a B*h in order to get her need for attention met and you can't do anything to change that. She cannot be rationalised with.