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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
DearDenimEagle · 19/10/2024 22:07

She sounds narcissistic. Chooses birthdays because they are someone else’s day so she has to be there to get attention on her. She abuses, then says everyone is too sensitive, ..that’s classic narcissism. Being like 2 people…in men we say it’s Jekyll and Hyde. The good person and the bad . Again, classic narcissism. Turning things round so she is the victim..narcissism.
I could go on, but I won’t. She will never change. Plays the victim, guilt tripping to manipulate, getting people who were not present to accept her version and be on her side…flying monkeys to get the victims of her abuse to let her abuse them again.
No doctor can help. Only distance.

Mlamla · 19/10/2024 22:58

Your situation sounds like some anxious disturbing drama movie, and it is hard to believe because of grotesque situation you are all in. But the fact is these things happen,and it is horrible and draining your energy and messing with your every day life. To put it straightforward, your mother is a pure textbook narcissist, and I suggested you read about it and how to best deal with the narcissist. Im thinking,how would she react if you invite her partner to come along for a bday parties, would she still be a bitch or she would put up another mask for him,and be the best granny ever? She could now make your life more miserable after you confronted her,because she will ,as she already has done, make everyone feel sorry for her and depict you as an abuser,and since she is so lovely otherwise and has excellent career,she knows she can get away with it. It is disgusting how she told you when growing up,that if you don't stop being sensitive that she will take you to the doc and put you on medicines, this is something only narcissistic mother can say. Manipulate and invert the reality to think it s all in your head. It wasn't in your head and it is still not in your head. Take care of yourself,teach your kids about narcissistic behaviour, and look up how to best deal with them.

HS123123 · 20/10/2024 08:16

This sounds painful, you probably want her in your life because she's your mother. As a woman she should have the same caring and considerate nurturing traits you have. But you're aware of her bad behaviour, she causing issues that could have lasting effects on your children. I think it would be a good way to show the kids that bad behaviours aren't put up with, or the risk is when they grow up they will be subject to similar traits and accept it.

Perhaps it's a actually a good opportunity to keep a calm and collected approach and show the kids what behaviours are bad and create a boundary, tell wait and highlight what she just did there and then (must be done calm as possible) maybe even play back a video from the birthday parties. Tell her this is what she did that is wrong, tell her you want her in your life is thats what you want. Tell her she needs to go get help, until her habits don't change the time around you and kids is limited. Or if you no longer want her in your life then tell her it's natural that we surround ourselves with healthy habits and people who add value to our lives. Go get help and end of.

AngelicKaty · 20/10/2024 08:19

Notfinanciallyresponsibleforyou · 17/10/2024 20:13

Stay strong @Mememeandmeagain

Getting old is not an excuse for batshit behaviour and then playing ‘little old lady who may have dementia ‘ card. Call her out on that. Next time someone says something just say you have not see any evidence of a diagnosis.

If she is in demand as a private tutor she is just playing you and the family.

Totally agree with this. OP, if your mother really had dementia or a neuro-diverse condition, this would be evident to other people, not just you and your kids. For a start, her new bf, with whom she now lives so presumably spends a lot of time with, would have seen this behaviour.
You say she's always treated you like this - now she's repeating this treatment with your kids. She's clearly behaving this way deliberately. You've banned her from future birthday parties - stick to it.

BeCoolDenimScroller · 20/10/2024 08:26

Instead of doing birthday tea and cake at home, go out somewhere nice together WITHOUT your Mum. She can drop a card and gift round whenever she likes but you won’t be in x

Scrimblescromble · 20/10/2024 08:56

Mememeandmeagain · 14/10/2024 19:30

She lives on the same street as us (since she got into a relationship with one of our neighbours and moved in with him)

believe me, I did not want to see her

she knocked on the door last night saying she bought kids trainers as a gift, acting like nothing happened, that’s when my husband and I went outside, closed the door, we didn’t let her in, and told her this on the doorstep

the focus is on birthday parties, because she is super sweet and kind the rest of the year and my kids love her, any other time they never had a problem with her, she for some reason chooses parties to behave like this

i didnt have a chance to get to the part where we no longer want a relationship with you, she started screaming and bust into tears

Edited

I’m confused. Is your husband the kids dad? I thought you were separated?

Laurmolonlabe · 20/10/2024 08:56

Sounds like a cross between being a drama queen and Tourette's Syndrome-if you have told her and she still does it , really you can't invite her. Clearly she could stop doing if she wanted to- but she likes being centre of attention. Narcissistic people do this-a birthday centres around the birthday boy or girl, so they feel the need to shift the focus back to themselves-upsetting people is not important.

Smileyshaz55 · 20/10/2024 14:12

Dotto · 13/10/2024 14:04

No it's not just rude, it's deliberate, spiteful, nasty and abusive.

Keep her away and organise party,s without her.

Whenlifegiveslemons · 21/10/2024 09:41

this all sounds really familiar - my mum is very similar and we have had a hard relationship for years, well actually forever - it is so difficult to navigate. it sounds like your mum doesn't value you or your children and crosses boundaries of general respect and care, devaluing you. I think you need to set your own boundaries and keep her at a distance until things get more comfortable or inevitably. For me, I no longer invite my mum to parties but invite her on kids birthdays for cake & happy birthday wishes. i don't ask her to do anything for me or kids, literally nothing. If she offers, i politely decline and say I have it sorted - as I do. I rely on her for nothing. I keep our conversations minimal in text & see her infrequently (last saw her in July - its now October). I feel better for setting this boundary for me and my kids. Just because its family, doesn't mean you have to tolerate or sacrafice your well being for them.

JustBrowsingTheWeb · 21/10/2024 16:42

omg I can not believe how incredibly tolerant you have been!! Absolutely don’t invite her anymore, maybe she just accidentally puts her foot in her mouth 🤷‍♀️ but lesson learned she’s not great at parties. Just book a lovely afternoon tea just you and daughter or trip together to theme park or anything the 2 of u will like, both you and child will enjoy it so much more! X

AudHvamm · 23/10/2024 14:40

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 18/10/2024 04:43

Excellent post. I always think the posters who doubt stuff like this would be picked apart by someone like this if they ever had the misfortune to meet one…

Either that or they are the ones doing it!

AChickenPooAndABiscuit · 23/10/2024 15:31

AudHvamm · 23/10/2024 14:40

Either that or they are the ones doing it!

So true!!

LondonUSAGirl · 25/10/2024 18:31

Why do you keep letteing her abuse your children and yourself? Please stop letting her visit and for god's sake get yourself into therapy.

Hiitsmegirl · 27/10/2024 11:39

Stop inviting her

OneQuirkyCat · 14/02/2025 22:36

My mum is an aging narcissist. I’m now52, she’s 82. All I can send you is love, and to be your own person. I know how much it hurts ❤️

AcquadiP · 14/02/2025 22:51

No, you are not being overly sensitive: it sounds like she has no empathy, tact or filters. Appalling.

Cucumbersandwich75 · 09/03/2025 19:42

I don’t know if this is a fake post, I am as mild as they come but I certainly would not have invited this woman to any family gatherings with her track record. She is obnoxious and obviously doesn’t care for anyone’s feelings. Tell her to haul her arse back to her home and don’t come to anymore family gatherings unless she can be pleasant. Life is too short to put up with her nastiness.

Queenoftheuniveseandallplanets · 26/02/2026 01:29

This is OP!!!

lost access to my old account.

We no longer invite her despite her pleading and begging and had great birthdays without her there.

BUT

i heard from relative she tried to ruin her new partner grandkids birthdays!!!!!!!!!

granddaughter walks in kitchen on her birthday and sees my mother brushing her teeth and spitting in her cup!!!!! Cup she drinks tea from every morning!

when asked why she would do that, she went that’s fine I’ll just pour boiling water on it!!

WHAT

later granddaughter says cousin (they share a birthday) from America was so happy when I wished her happy belated birthday

To which she replies “of course she was. You two/just like you she barely got any birthday wishes”

(there was also some more not nice stuff she did on her partner ( now ex) and his grandson birthday but it would be too long to type)

thank you every for all your supportive replies!!!

im very sad my mother is like this. I so wish I had a normal nice mom and kids had grandkids I could spend birthday with it. I’m so jealous of those who have that.

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