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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry!!! My Mother ruins kids birthdays every year!!!! am I sensitive? This is not normal is it?

343 replies

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 13:43

my kid has been bullied and has no friends. Mum knows this. Every year the party is just her and us family. Yesterday, I said my maya and jack (my collegues) just texted happy birthday to you. My daughter says thank you, aww that’s so nice, they remember every year” She goes “wait really? They did? Haha I’m so shocked. I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me” “I thought I was the only wishing you a happy birthday year year” “lmao”

my daughter looked visibly upset after this. Even if this is true, was this necessary to say out loud?

The year before that, at my cousins sweet 16: “did you guys know my uncle died sitting on the toilet? Ewww I would not want to die sitting on the toilet” “with his pants, underwear down and everything” while we eating cake

Last year, when we are at our nephews birthday dinner party, eating cake in a good mood, celebrating, she starts out of no where talking about funerals and burials! “Oh I really want to put up a nice gravestone for my parents. Funerals are so expensive nowadays. I’m saving for my funeral btw, I would not want to be cremated” when I say “mom! Stop, This is inappropriate” She goes “oh cmon it’s only natural”

when I bring up what she said every year and how it’s upsetting, she says “omg, did I really say that???” I don’t even remember saying that, wtf is wrong with me, I must be losing my mind”, but does the same thing every year over and over again

my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one”

again, even if true, why the tf would you say this out loud and like this?

the year before that, insists she will buy party food for my son. I give her a list. She buys only 2 small things on the list, and instead of buying a cake my sons wants, she buys a cake my son hates and my daughter is allergic to and puts it on his table. A cake she loves. When I ask her why would buy yourself a cake on his birthday, a cake he hates? She goes am I not allowed to buy a cake I love? (Why on his birthday thought?)Then goes on how she is too broke to buy party food. And how she has no money. Then, when my son is gifted an expensive cake and a box full of sweets by my husband, I go the kitchen to get them, they are gone!!! She ate the whole cake and the whole box of chocolates by herself!!!! Didn’t even leave him a piece or one chocolate! Am I sensitive or is this rude behavior??

my sons birthday 5 years ago. I’m busy with his party. I’ve been doing/helping mom with a very long year long extremely stressful project. She brings it up on his birthday. I say, “i need a break please, don’t want to talk about this now” she pretends she can’t hear me and goes on. I repeat again, “I don’t want to talk about this now, I’m very stressed, let me celebrate my sons birthday, tomorrow please” she again, pretends she can’t hear me. And keeps talking and showing me pictures while I’m running around decorating. I say “why are you ignoring what I just said??? I said NOT NOW PLEASE” She AGAIN pretends she can’t hear me, goes on shoving photos and documents in my face. I get mad and lose my temper and shout “wtf did I just say, what is wrong you??? She leaves, then bursts into tears at son’s party saying your mum screamed at me.

what she said to my daughter is the last straw, I warned her not to say anything inappropriate this year. She promised she would watch her mouth. Am I sensitive??? Or would it be right to never invite her again?

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 13/10/2024 14:26

This isn't normal. Do you have any siblings? If so, is she the same with them? What about your Dad?

Pigeonqueen · 13/10/2024 14:27

I would focus less on your Mum - she’s incredibly toxic and you need to reduce contact - and focus more on your dc being bullied. What has been done to address this? Changing schools etc?

Elderflower14 · 13/10/2024 14:27

You know what she is like... She has REPEATEDLY shown you what she is like.
Stop asking her. She is inflicting mental cruelty on various children... She is NOT a nice person!!

maddening · 13/10/2024 14:27

Turn around and tell her she is a thoughtless selfish bastard each and every time and in no uncertain terms.

I would also let her know she has only so many lives on this and if she can't sort it out she is not welcome

Dery · 13/10/2024 14:29

Keep your mother away.

I think your DD’s lack of friends is potentially a bigger worry and it’s important to try to find alternative sources of social contact for her.

TofuTart · 13/10/2024 14:30

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:02

“I’m shocked, I thought no one cared about your birthday other than me lol” “I thought I was the only one wishing you happy birthday all these years lol” today she says my daughter and i how extremely sensitive we are and how there’s nothing wrong with that comment.

am I sensitive? Or this rude saying this especially knowing granddaughter has no friends

Edited

No, you're not sensitive.
Absolutely nasty thing to say, WTF would she say that?
Sorry, but nasty cow.
Along with this
my cousin got a terrible diagnosis that makes her unable to stand and move. On her birthday, we try to cheer her up, tell her it’s going to be ok. She says she will look for a different job where she can sit, after treatment. mom goes “who tf would want to hire you now?? You are a liability. Dead weight. useless. Worthless. No one

She's fucking awful, I wouldn't want her around my kids. Emotional abuse is a thing and sounds like she's great at it.
Why are you still inviting her? Let your kids enjoy their birthdays for once.

kiwiane · 13/10/2024 14:32

Well this is now down to you - you’re responsible for letting this nasty woman bully your children.

JudgeJenny · 13/10/2024 14:34

How about sending her a letter saying you are concerned she is showing a number of signs of dementia and how important early treatment is. And that until she’s got a proper diagnosis and treatment plan you cannot have her around you and your family.

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:34

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 14:26

Are you sure this all actually happened? 🤔

my friends and family used to say this too until they witnessed this behaviour

OP posts:
LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 13/10/2024 14:36

Inertia · 13/10/2024 14:25

I think you are under-reacting massively, probably because you’ve had a lifetime of this bullying.

Gently but frankly, you are not doing anywhere near enough to protect your children’s mental health from this toxicity.

No, it’s not normal.

No, you’re not being sensitive.

Just stop spending time with her, and grey rock the emotional blackmail. It’s time to woman up and protect your children.

100%

Stop inviting her into your home and to any celebration that isn't meant to be about her. Because she's clearly determined to make it all about her at all costs ... and those costs are too high for you and your children's mental health and well being.

Dotto · 13/10/2024 14:36

Do you feel you have everything you need to stop this happening?

TofuTart · 13/10/2024 14:36

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:10

I didn’t want to invite her. She’s very manipulative. Every year, She goes to my kids crying how something wrong with them because they are too sensitive or begging for forgiveness, saying she’ll never behave like this again, how she might be losing her mind, how she keeps talking rubbish, how there might be something wrong with her, how she might not have long left and if she misses their birthday she would fall into deep depression” so they say I should forgive and invite grandma again

But she’s always been like this when I was growing up. She was just nice to the kids and rest of family. It’s the last few years she been showing her true colours to every one.

Edited

Call her bluff then and tell her you're making an appointment at the doctor's for her.

Todaywasbetter · 13/10/2024 14:36

Forget your mum for a minute she sounds awful. I’d ban her from the house, but that’s just me. I’ll be more concerned about your daughter, she’s got no friends you say. I don’t know how old she is maybe I missed that - you need to get to the school. Make an appointment with her teacher and tell them the situation - they can put things in place - There’s a whole raft of strategies schools usually use one or two of them. Don’t let your daughter go another year without friends.

Bunnyhair · 13/10/2024 14:37

Jellybeanbag · 13/10/2024 14:26

Are you sure this all actually happened? 🤔

If you can doubt this is true, then be grateful you have a sane and loving family who have shaped your worldview in such a way that you struggle to believe people would behave this nastily and irrationally. It’s depressingly common.

So, so many people grow up with very disturbed and aggressive and manipulative family members. And when they grow up they come on MN and are barked at to raise their bar and stop putting up with it and stop being such a wet lettuce / doormat and told it’s their own fault everyone treats them badly. But their worldview has been shaped to see aggression and manipulation as just what families do, just what relationships are like. That is’s unrealistic to want anything more or different for themselves. They couldn’t see other people’s calm and respectful and stable homes as believable any more than you can see this poster’s experience as genuine.

DurhamDurham · 13/10/2024 14:37

There's only one solution to this and you know what it is. Stop inviting her to your celebrations. She was awful to you growing up, you owe her nothing.
You need to empower your children now so that they can see her for what she is and they don't give in to her manipulation.
If you choose to do nothing and carry on including her, things will never improve.

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:37

dapsnotplimsolls · 13/10/2024 14:26

This isn't normal. Do you have any siblings? If so, is she the same with them? What about your Dad?

No I’m an only child. No siblings. Dad died when I was little.

OP posts:
5128gap · 13/10/2024 14:38

Saying bizarre and inappropriate things then claiming to have no memory of them..? Does she drink? Though when you add to that the ability to eat an entire birthday cake and a whole box of sweets by herself in the middle of a party, it suggests some other physical or mental health condition, as very few people would have the desire to do that. Or ability without being very ill.

Gymnopedie · 13/10/2024 14:39

Why would you let her anywhere near your DCs? Time to parent up and not give in to them asking you to let her come. You can tell them that although she says she won't be like that again she always is.

If you never have any contact with her going forward she won't get chance to whisper in the DC's ears and they'll move on.

You know what she was like to you growing up (and still is), why on earth would you give her the opportunity to do it all over again??

If you're going to find this difficult I recommend that you read about the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. I suspect you may be in it.

FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt — Out of the FOG | Personality Disorders, Narcissism, NPD, BPD

PinkyFlamingo · 13/10/2024 14:40

It's really disturbing that you are subjecting your children to this awful behaviour

Yougavemesixtysummers · 13/10/2024 14:40

This is ringing my narcissist alarm bells, she is minimising the impact her behaviour is having on you and your children and is acting like she is completely in the right and you in the wrong.
You have normalised her abnormal and hurtful behaviour because she acts like it is normal and shouts down anyone who questions it.
Nothing you will do will change her, trying to take her to the doctor, sending letters etc will never work.
I know this because my mum is like this,I solved my problem by going no contact, you need to never invite her to any parties ever again. Don't mention them to her just have birthday celebrations without her and ignore the hysterics she will lay on when she finds out she wasn't invited.

Mememeandmeagain · 13/10/2024 14:41

5128gap · 13/10/2024 14:38

Saying bizarre and inappropriate things then claiming to have no memory of them..? Does she drink? Though when you add to that the ability to eat an entire birthday cake and a whole box of sweets by herself in the middle of a party, it suggests some other physical or mental health condition, as very few people would have the desire to do that. Or ability without being very ill.

No she doesnt drink at all, is very against alcohol and judges anyone who drinks.

OP posts:
WhimsicalGubbins76 · 13/10/2024 14:43

My honest opinion would be, cut her out. Just cut her out of your life.
Birthing someone does not give you an automatic right to be involved in their life.
A woman as toxic as that has not earned the right to be in her kids or grandkids lives.
Ask yourself what benefit you get from her being in your life?

ThianWinter · 13/10/2024 14:44

Your priority needs to be your friendless, bullied daughter and stop giving your awful mum anymore of your time. Tell her she's no longer welcome at your house or at any family events. Then out all your efforts into helping your daughter have a happy and fulfilling life. You know your mum is toxic and unpleasant, whether she's mentally ill or not. Time to put an end to this now.

Jaboodyv2 · 13/10/2024 14:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

UpstartCrows · 13/10/2024 14:44

You've been raised by an abusive parent. It's coming to a head because she's now doing it to your daughter.

You have two choices at this point, allow her to continue and you know what effect that has on your self esteem as you've lived it or, you remove this woman from your home and don't invite her to anymore social events at your home. Keep your kids away from her and consider that she is trying to abuse your children and act accordingly. If you want to see her then see her away from your family.

If she starts saying that that she doesn't realise she's saying awful things, agree with her and say they are awful and because she doesnt realise they are awful she can't be trusted around the kids.