AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

YABU. It sounds like you’re very judgy of the other parents. Should they not give their children treats because yours has already had one beforehand? As to the “evil witch” comment, if she was obviously joking and that’s the type of relationship they have, who are you to judge?

We live in a world with 8 billion people in it. You can’t be the only one who gives your child input. She’s going to get messages from everywhere, she’s going to feel disappointed all the time, it’s your job to give her a safe and comfortable home base, and help her learn right from wrong. Not to shield her from parents giving their children sweets or shoppers who don’t mind her saying “excuse me”.

The sweets thing - you do you and who cares what they think? They'll be the ones with spoilt kids with rotten teeth.

The thing in the shop - wtf? Just teaching your dd to be a doormat. It's not rude to say excuse me whenever you want to get past - why should she have to hang around first? I'd be pleased I had a kid that asked politely and had some confidence, so many are scared to open their mouths to anyone these days.

They had something with their lunch before. No it was the constant bags of crisps and donuts from the bag.

The evil witch comment was a joke, it was a tantrum as she wasn't immediately getting her second donut given on the spot.

I give examples in detail because it's characteristic of a bigger problem.

And yes, I am judging, That's too much junk food for children and not enough discipline of their behaviour. Judging isn't a bad thing. We constantly make judgments in our lives (what to eat for breakfast) and we judge eat other. Yes I am judging them because their poor choices impact my day out.

If you are out with friends who have children then it's really hard for your kid to watch them getting treats and not her.

Only real solution is let her have the treats but spend less time with them.

In the shop - many parents would consider what she did perfectly well mannered.

YABU.

The answer is to assume there'll be treats when meeting friends and adjust your other food on that day.

Or stop worrying about it on those days.

Or stick to your guns by clearly explaining to your child what your food rules are.

But you're blaming others for your own parenting issue. They're just living their lives.

She raised her voice at an elderly man who was looking at stuff on a shelf. I'm not raising her to be a doormat. I'm raising her to be socially aware and not shout at people.

Re the junk food, it's awful to give your kids a constant stream of sugar, chocolate, cakes and crisps.

Bit lost with the excuse me thing but it is hard when you’re with the queen of snacks. I’ve had this and it’s a bit frustrating when they’ve got a hot meal at home which they now won’t eat! Luckily my DS is a bit nonplussed by food.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze it strikes me as odd to spend days out with parents that you dislike. Why not avoid them completely if you dislike them so much? If they’re such terrible parents and children, surely you don’t want your DD mixing with them in the first place?

So we're just OK then with a society where people fill their kids with crap and the ones that don't or parent are the unreasonable ones.

OK.

I mostly agree with this however the kids that have strict parents around "treat food" (I hate that expression though) are often the ones who end up with fat kids once they're a bit older and realise they can buy their own treats whenever they want. I would have let it go for one day on a day out with friends and just let her have whatever. She probably would have naturally said no thanks by herself if offered more donuts for example. She is 9 so old enough in my view to feel full and say no - I would certainly trust my 7 year old on that front but I guess it depends on the child.

I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that subway bread has so much sugar in it that it can’t legally be classed as bread. So she had a cake and a cookie for lunch, plus a donut, and you’re judging the other parents for giving their children extra sweets.

Sorry - just had to point out that irony.

But I also dislike my children eating lots of junk, so it’s not like I don’t agree with that; but your DD is allowed to feel disappointed, you just explain to her why it’s a no. Different families, different choices, here’s why it’s a no etc.

You can also talk later about how the “evil witch” comment was disrespectful.

Hmm I think YABU. Sometimes other parents do things I wish they wouldn’t (like give my kids tons of sweets). Sometimes I probably do things other parents wish I didn’t (like I’m much more relaxed about my kids playing out of sight than some).

My kids benefit massively from their friends and they also benefit massively from their friends’ parents - having that extra support and care in their lives - and that completely outweighs any downsides. If you don’t feel it does in your own DD’s life then just don’t go with her friends for days out?

I would also maybe work with your DD a bit on emotional regulation if she’s having a meltdown aged 9 about sweets. I don’t mean that unkindly. It’s just by that age kids do tend to be quite understanding of different families/different rules and it doesn’t need to be a huge deal.

Other people’s children are not your responsibility. You do you and let them do them.

Your 9 year old had a tantrum and total meltdown? You've not suggested any neuro divergency that would result in behaviour like that. I suggest you look at your own parenting before criticising others.

So if you were in a shop and someone was choosing something from a shelf, you would shout "excuse me" at them? I was teaching her to give it a beat then say it and just reach for what she wanted.

Only go out for a day with parents that you like /align with. We didn’t do junkfood when mine were younger, but our friends didn’t do that either. We took tomatoes and fruit to the park.

Yes, that's on me. And we dealt with that.

I can judge others and also have stuff I need to improve myself. Both things can exist.

You're criticizing another mother because her child said she was a witch but your own 9 year old had what you have called a massive meltdown and a tantrum over not getting an ice cream? That's very hypocritical of you, and not typical behavior for a 9 year old so not sure why you're judging anyone else.

In answer to the title of your post - yes, it is more challenging to parent with other parents around but that is life and there will always be external circumstances and parents with differing rules to you. You just need to navigate them. Just know your own mind and values and try not to worry about judgement. Also, in those situations you describe you can loosen the reigns a little for an easy life.

With the shop example, it sounds like the shopper was trying to make the situation easier rather then undermining your parenting.

Yes, that's on me. And we dealt with that.

I can judge others and also have stuff I need to improve myself. Both things can exist.

Believe me, the other kids would have had a meltdown if they hadn't been funnelled a third donut.

Is DD your first child, @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze ?

I think if you're out with friends in a party type atmosphere, you are agreeing to treats really imo. I think the mistake was giving DD treats before the meet up.

Things like this are the start of independence and letting go. Leaving your dd to manage herself a bit more. Of course food that you wouldn't have at home gets consumed.

A good home base and diet is what is important and what will carry through to adulthood.

It is very tiresome to be out in a group setting allowing your DC a bit of a freedom, with that parent trying to lay down their individual home rules.

Your child went to Subway for lunch.

Subway is not good food.

It's a bit rich to judge others when your own choices are not 'healthy' anyway.

Yes I am judging them because their poor choices impact my day out.

Your poor parenting impacted theirs too. They had to listen to your nine-year-old tantrumming like a toddler and listen to you picking her up on minor things like her tone of voice when saying excuse me.