AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

So would I. But I'd include a parent who gave their 9 yr old a subway, a cookie, a doughnut, and a Saturday evening film treat in that tbh.

I would never have even thought about getting my dc a subway to eat in a park on a day out.

But that doesn't mean I would look down on you for giving your child junk food. Or go on about how society is crumbling. People do what they think is best. Subway is the line that you have decided is good for your daughter. Other people think differently.

I think it's really weird how you can't see that a subway is a load of crap but the other parents are terrible parents for giving their children a different load of crap.

She had 1 treat before. Issue was stream of treats i.e. volume.

If I wanted to look perfect I wouldn't have admitted to the meltdown or in mt subsequent posts spoken of how I've struggled.

If that's in response to me why answer if you don't know the answer?

Lost the quote in replying. That was to @lololulu

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. and this is weird micromanaging

Volume and constant stream of it is my issue here.

But yes, fair point,

It feels like you might be misusing the word 'meltdown'. It is generally used to describe a complete loss of control and feeling or dysregulation, often by someone who is ND. This isn't something that can be reasoned with, the person needs support whilst in that state and the triggers to be identified and worked in calmer moments.

If your daughter on not getting a bag of sweets and another child on not getting a donut is at this point I think there are massive issues here.

If what you mean is the children are moody / talking back / upset / sulking because they didn't get what they wanted then that is a very different thing.

I think YABU for judging and proudly defending the judging. Parenting is hard enough and you never actually know the full story of what's going on in a family.

However, you wouldn't be unreasonable to choose to spend time with parents who align more with your parenting style. Days out should be enjoyable and it sounds like, whether rightly or wrongly, you are not enjoying days out with these people.

I do. The words put together are entirely clear. He pulled a slate tile off a small house. There's nothing ambiguous in that.

Maybe. But DD doesn't pick up on social cues in the same way as other kids her age do and needs the small things articulated. If I save the feedback for later it's gone and forgotten.

I want her to have a good life where she doesn't stand out. Everyone stared at her when she shouted "excuse me" and I don't want her to feel stared at or weird in the future,

Why are you pretending a Subway lunch is only one treat? She must have also had some sort of sandwich and drink along with the cookie. Subway food is rarely healthy.

What does judging them achieve? Either stop the play dates or deal with the situation as you just have. They’re not going to change how they parent because you don’t like it. I sometimes have similar situations with my DD and her friends and she understands that she doesn’t always get exactly the same ‘treats’ and she doesn’t have a meltdown about it. I imagine the other parents are judging your parenting if your DD has a tantrum over stuff like that.

Most people have chronic illnesses from their 40s.
Do they?

I myself have had a junk food addiction in the past in my teenage years. I want her to have treats and see them as treats, not as a regular part of diet.
If you've had a junk food addiction then your own parents rules of having 'one max two' treats on a day out haven't worked.

My children are older teenagers now and I've never used the word treat to them. Unless I'm talking about the dog.

My children aren't overweight and neither am I and neither is my husband. We are in our early fifties and we don't have chronic illness. Neither do any of our friends.

My mother is eighty one. Not overweight. Takes no pills. No chronic illness.

There's a time and a place to do it. Instead you've jumped on the behaviour straight away and the poor girl must feel constantly got at.

The treat thing is much harder.

Apologies if I've misused the word "meltdown". She gets very demanding, pulls my bag and tells me "I am having this" and "you will give it to me" then it's tears. It lasted abut 5 mins then she was right as rain then cracked on.

Judgment is a natural part of life. Hells bells I'm judged a lot and have been judged a lot on this thread. It's human. Why are we so afraid of it? It doesn't make me any less of a real friend because there's 1/100th part of my friend's life I'm struggling with.

By being judged on this thread I've learnt to do better in many respects that I wouldn't have if people kept their opinions to themselves.

What social cues? If someone’s in the way you ask them to move, there are no “browsing rights”.

Obviously you have to ask in the right way but even if she spoke a bit to loudly I think that’s possibly normal behaviour for a child? I see no reason why she would do this as an adult.

I do use the word treat, but only in a positive way - to me a treat is something I don't necessarily need but am happy to enjoy. I don't ever chastise myself or anyone else using the word. Dog treats are the same tbh.

No, you have to stand up for your choices as a parent. You don’t ask others to do/not do things to make your choices easier.

You are WAY too uptight. Just relax!! One afternoon of indulgence doesn’t ruin how you parent at home.
And stop judging other parents for the way they choose to treat their kids. None of us are perfect, none of us gets it right first time-not even you!

I agree OP, the relentless "treats" are annoying. Why can't fruit be a treat?

If offered a treat mine would rather pick some strawberries or berries because its not something they have often as they are expensive and I'm on a low income.

Yes because it's an in the moment thing. If I didn't tell her to wait then that wouldn't have been fair on the man browsing.

But yes I could just tell her to wait in the moment and do the explaining after.

You're not "being judged', you're being called out on being judgemental and hypocritical.
Parenting isn't always easy and nobody always gets it right, but you opened yourself up to criticism because of your own overly critical and self-righteous approach.

Fruit can be a treat and these children quite possibly eat lots of fruit every other day of the week.

OP. Your daughter didn't 'raise her voice' in the shop. That implies aggression or shouting. She (possibly correctly) judged that the man would be unlikely to hear her saying it quietly and so said 'excuse me' politely and clearly. Terrible, terrible message to give to a girl, to expect her to stand there meekly until such time as someone moves and to speak softly at all times. She got her needs met politely and confidently and you poured cold water all over that and made her feel she'd done something wrong.

As for the treat thing, some days do just pan out like that, I'm afraid, but a day out isn't every day and I'm sure she eats healthily at home. I wouldn't have been causing her upset for that. I might perhaps have chatted with her about it later - 'wow, that was a day with a lot of sweet stuff - perhaps the ice cream didn't taste so special after the last couple of things?'

I use the 1-2 treats because it's a way of looking at the day and codifying it. Interested in what you've said about not calling them treats though i.e. not making a thing of it. But junk food is everywhere and normalised. Will look up what you've said though as that could be key.