AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

Agree with this. I'd have just let her have the treats on the day out, but just be mindful of it when you're thinking of making plans with them again.

Find it quite amusing that you're happily judging others for giving their kids junk food when you had given yours a Subway for lunch, hardly good wholesome food is it?
As for the excuse me thing, your daughter did nothing wrong -he was in her way she politely asked him to move, why on earth would she wait?

It’s equally important not to project your issues with food onto your child. This can happen subtly over time and lead to ED’s. There should be balance.

Yes, this.

Subway is absolute junk.

The only people I know who think it’s healthy are brainwashed Slimming World cult members

To be fair, context matters. And a lot of kids - understandably - haven’t got there yet. They’ve been told “that’s what to say” and see it as a “magic word”. Whereas sometimes it isn’t appropriate. For example, if people are hanging back to let others off the train before they get on themselves, then it’s very rude to say “excuse me” and move past them to get on first yourself

Thats not what happened though.

I think it’s worth remembering that all (decent) parents are doing their best. It just the their version of ‘best’ will vary based on research, lived experience, situation, circumstance etc. And there’s not necessarily a ‘right’.

My siblings and I were raised with a couple of teats for days out and special occasions. One of my siblings has a (as far as I’m aware) normal, healthy relationship with food. One was an incredibly chubby teenager. My mam always assumed it was puppy fat. It was only in his 20s he admitted that he used to pinch extra treats and hide them, use his school dinner money for packets of biscuits etc. I was still having therapy at 27 for issues surrounding food and my body. I never did think I was quite worthy of those ‘treats’ (absolutely not what my parents ever implied).

Do what’s best for your daughter, but accept that your way may well be detrimental for other people’s children. It’s actually a god lesson for your daughter to learn that what suits one persons needs, isn’t right for everybody.

Thank you. Yeah I feel embarrassed after the public tantrum yesterday which is why I'm reflecting. It didn't show in the OP but luckily it's being addressed in the responses, is I'm questioning whether I'm doing the right thing at the moment and how better to manage it because I felt at a loss. I don't have the best example from my own upbringing to draw on so making it up as I go along (I was speaking to DSIS the other day and she said the same). Lots of tips, including yours, on this thread.

Yes, she shouted "excuse me" pretty much unilaterally and as her parents, it's not the first time we've seen her do it. She thinks she'll get away with it and be accommodated because she's a kid.

Another option is to chuck some sandwich bags in you bag, they are useful for all types of things but then you can say:

"Well DD you can't have this now as you have just had a cookie, but we can take it home and have some later" then you are acknowledging that she wants it, she doesn't feel like she is missing out, teaching delayed gratification, and then when you go home you could share it between the three of you for an after dinner treat, put it in the fridge to be forgotten about, put it in a snack box for another day if it won't go bad etc etc.

If other parents' methods throw you off so much don't go out with them. It's not compulsory.

I don't think anyone has disagreed and said that it wasn't too much junk food, have they???

Reading the information presented and offering opinions isn't judging, that's debating. Judging implies a level of authority and finality.

My parents were very similar, micromanaging us, we weren't allowed to make any decisions etc it was very unhealthy and did not raise us to he adults who were ready for the world. I did lots of work on myself to care less about other people's opinions and understand that actually, most people aren't watching to see me fail. It really helped me as a person.

I've also taken a very conscious decision to let my children make poor decisions in small ways in order for them to learn from them while being here as a supportive sounding board. I'm sure this looks like lazy parenting to many people, I can assure you it is actually a lot of work to consistently parent in this way.

I'm sure if I was one of the parents one your day out you would have made all sorts of judgements on me with only the surface level facts. Does that not seem like a waste of your time and energy?

This is what I also did. I just couldn’t be doing with the constant negotiation involved in socialising with people who have completely different values.

you sound like an absolute bore OP, lighten up a bit.

It sounds like you're parenting well, OP, although I wouldn't blame other parents for making life harder, as in the instances you describe, they don't seem to be the real problem. I've frequently said no to my child getting an ice cream or something when his friends parents have bought their own kids sweets, as he's either had enough sugar or I just don't want to waste money on cheaply made crap. It's just what you have to do as a parent sometimes. But that's my choice and absolutely nothing to do with the choices of other parents. Equally, I wouldn't laugh if my child called me an evil witch; they'd be told off and if it happened again, they'd be punished (e.g. no screen time that evening).

Instead of being annoyed by other parents so much, look at it this way - getting along with different people who behave differently and have different expectations is a skill your DD will have to learn. Don't try too many explanations in public, just go with the simple and direct like, no, you can't have an ice-cream now as you had a big cookie at lunchtime. Then if it's become an issue, explain on the way home or at home (away from the other parents) that different families have different rules and it's not always appropriate to do what everyone else is doing.

I remember experiencing embarrassment over tantrums too, but honestly, most children do this at some stage or another. They want what they want, and they aren’t yet able to regulate emotionally when they don’t get it. It’s not always a reflection on parenting, but often a stage that a child is at developmentally. Try not to sweat it too much.

I grew up with 1-2 treat snacks on a day out and I remember seeing kids tantrumming but people were more accepting of it. Acknowledged it was parenting and necessary sometimes. These days it's not acceptable and we must keep kids constantly happy even if it's not the best for them in the long term.

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze I think you're mislabelling this. It's not that we have to keep kids happy all the time but that parents are judged so so harshly for kids tantrumming, shouting, or misbehaving in public. If a kid tantrums, it's assumed they are spoiled and badly parented - when in fact sometimes riding out a tantrum is good parenting and is how you avoid spoiling. There is no tolerance of kids as kids and parents are criticised if their kids don't appear composed at all times.

Yeah, DD’s best friend is always having a ridiculous amount of sugar shoved at her. Her mum is genuinely lovely and shares with my DD (once it was muffins, chocolate bar and another sugary thing in one go). it becomes really trying tbh. I don’t fuss about it but I’m just starting to say things like “lets save that for later” if it’s a bit too much. That way I’m not saying no or telling she can’t have the same as her friend we are just delaying it a bit. She’s actually getting better at saving things for later.

The relationship is very important to DD so I’m disinclined to see them less and they are really lovely as well. I just manage it the best I can.

Imo they all behave badly at some point but I do think it’s your job as a parent to be reasonable about sugar consumption as well. I don’t mind one treat just not 5.

YABU to make this an other parents issue.

My daughter learnt very early that tantrums get her NOTHING, so she only tried that once. She through a tantrum, YOU gave in.

She also knew it mattered not a fig what other children were doing, as she was not them and I was not their parents, so sometimes she just had to let things pass her by.

And the excuse me thing - why would you correct her when she's done the right thing 🤔? She says excuse me, the other person moves or says just a minute...

I did name the treats - they were donuts, crisps, ice cream and lollipops.

Agree re how I should have handled it in the shop. I over-explain things.

No my DD didn't embarrass me in the shop. I just want her to learn social cues. I was embarrassed by how I handled her tantrum. I could have avoided it or done better - hence the tips on this thread are helpful.

Get away with what?

Personally, I think what you fed her was worse. We’re a healthy household and teach DC about good quality food and looking after their bodies. Good social skills and socialising generally is also really important to us and I would’ve definitely let them have treats with their friends on a day out - they know for sure they’re not getting that normally. I wouldn’t dream of feeding them subway or similar crap as a meal with me though. It’s sort of normalising it?!

im only saying that to point out that we’re all different as parents and not necessarily better or worse. You shouldn’t be taking the high horse over your friends, else just get new friends that you actually respect. Parenting is hard enough.

Caveat - saying this mainly to myself as do not have the below sorted in my life at all!!
All people have different judgements and boundaries. It’s really tough but I imagine it’ll only get tougher as DD gets older. It’s OK for your friends to treat their kids as they choose, but you can have clear boundaries with your daughter too, there will always be a parent who lets their kids have more than yours, be it sweet treats, screen time, apps, curfew, presents etc. You decide what works for your family and speak to them about it at a good time (outside of high pressure situations). I think you’ll still get lots of tantrums but I think that’s part of kids growing up and they shouldn’t learn that tantrums gets them what they want.

Or she sounds like a parent who is trying to do her best and gain some perspective on whether she is on the right path.

I think you just need to find friends with similar parenting approaches. Otherwise it’s always going to be hard work.

With our DD, she rarely has a big blow out tantrum like this but often when it happens it resets the dynamic that tantrums get her nothing and I've often found her behaviour improves after.

But I think all the treats friends were getting was too much for her and it escalated from a conversation to her pulling my bag off me and calling me names. This was a new development and I felt at a loss with it and blamed society 😳

This thread has been helpful.