AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

The treat thing, set DDs expectations BEFORE you get to your friends.

"DD You've just had a cookie from Subway, if X offers treats around you can't have one as too much sugar is bad for you so please do not ask me as the answer will be no and I don't want to embarrass you " by managing her expectations beforehand you avoid the disappointed misbehaviour and when she does ask which she probably will to try her luck / because she has forgotten you just say "No, DD you already had a cookie today, remember what we talked about?"

The shop thing, well yes she's learning those skills. She wasn't being particularly rude but appropriate timing and volume are something that needs teaching.

Is DD your PFB / an only and do your friends have other children? Parents become more relaxed the more children they have and expectations slip a bit which can be both positive and negative.

I would explain you can meet friends but you're not going to have the same as them... You have different parents, different homes, cars, clothes, rules and snacks! Don't bend or compromise what's important to you as a parent. She'll get it eventually.

I doubt they'll ask you again OP.
It was a day out.
It was meant to be fun.
I remember once being criticised by another Mum for my lax parenting. The criticism included that the muffins I'd brought were too big and I let my DC get dirty (tree building evebt in the woods).
Funnily enough my adult DC are all mentally well, are all degree educated professionals and are all very slim athletes.
Hers is sadly in prison.
See how they turn out as adults before you start your summing up of her parenting ability.

Yes, some people who had tighter food rules in place than their friends growing up respond to that by gorging when older.
But also, some people who were allowed to 'self regulate' develop serious sugar addictions and unhealthy food habits..
You know your child best, and the fact she had a big emotional reaction to being told she couldn't have another treat means she definitely needs help regulating herself! Ignore anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

You are coming across like you feel superior OP. Perhaps you need to find some other like suitably selected and like minded parents and children to spend your days with.

Shouting is not tone of voice.

So sorry that not wanting my DD to get heart disease, diabetes or cancer because of being overweight.

When I grew up it was 1 max 2 treats on days out. Now I"m in the minority of a population that like it's fine to shovel crap into our kids mouths. OK.

No. I could have done a lot better with DD's meltdown.

Is she likely to get heart disease, diabetes or cancer because she ate more treats one day?

Stop hanging out with people who you are constantly judging. Find other parents who you feel are on your level. You don't particularly sound as if you have any enjoyment with them, and I can imagine they feel the same.

You asked if YABU, the general consensus is YABU, and you continue to push back with excuses as to why YANBU.

Ah, I love MN.

Oh she was shouting now?

Her diet that day consisted of Subway, a cookie, and a doughnut. Really great, well done.

I know. Every time we have a technique that works, as she gets older her responses change and we have to develop new techniques.

I'm so embarrassed and tired. Yes it would have been an easier life to let it go and let her eat what she wants but it would have impacted her sleep, her behaviour. Let alone it not being good for kids to have too much junk food.

Cancer? Are you actually judging people with cancer now? One extra donut doesn't cause cancer.

You're right with the excuse me thing, you don't just walk right up to someone and immediately say excuse me, you wait a few seconds and see if they're actually about to take something off the shelf or if they're just taking time browsing and if the latter, politely say excuse me please and take what you want off the shelf.

You’re really not. I wouldn’t have let my child have the subway or the cookie or the doughnut. You’d already let her have a lot of cakes before you said no to the ice cream.

It’s not that you were in the wrong to say no to the last treat - it’s mainly that - in my opinion, you’re being a little hypocritical in judging the other parent when you weren’t choosing amazing foods for her yourself.

I know what you mean, it's parental peer pressure.

I guess in future you can pre-empt it to manage expectations. You can plan for one treat and say something like "your friends may be offered lots of different treats in different shops but choose wisely as you're only getting 1. We will have apples/breadsticks too if you're hungry."

Why do you meet with them if you don’t like them? It sounds exhausting to be constantly judging them, and by the sounds of your daughter’s behaviour it doesn’t sound like you’re in a position to act morally superior.

Personally I would never give my children Subway food, I would not care if you brought along I’d just tell my child they can’t have it. The same with sweet foods, they can have some in moderation, but I wouldn’t say they could just because everyone else is having it. Children have to get used to not being able to have everything other have. You need to teach your child how to deal with her emotions, not feel you have to give in because she’ll cause a scene. Sometimes it just means they have a strop for a bit.

Did she really shout at the man or just raise her voice so she he heard her? Speaking at a volume loud enough to be heard and saying "excuse me" is perfectly polite. No idea why you're trying to train her out of being politely assertive

My comment wasn't in relation to the meltdown, rather your assuming superiority in food choices.

Come on, you're seriously reaching here.

Surely most nine year olds would be able to understand that all families are different and handle situations differently? My child is younger and often misses out due to multiple severe allergies. Sometimes if the food is okay for him we will still choose not to give it to him. He sometimes feel sad about missing out but has never had a tantrum over it.

Everyone is better at some things than others. I was trying to say I might be better at regulating food but clearly less good at parenting in other ways e.g. meltdowns which I am working to improve. Good tips on this thread.

So sorry that not wanting my DD to get heart disease, diabetes or cancer because of being overweight.

And yet you allow her to eat from Subway! A Subway roll plus cookie is really no better than the doughnut given by another parent.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

You must realise @LiarLiarKnickersAblaze that what you witnessed yesterday is not the diet and boundaries of those children's homes.

I think you need to make your parenting a bit more adaptable, because it sounds awkward and embarrassing for all involved.

It is like (for example) going out for a group meal and one parent grandstanding over making their child eat every last pea. Totally inappropriate, at a group event.

My point in the post was it's the volume of it. Subway was lunch & a Saturday treat. It's the constant stream of junk food snacks with no rhyme or reason.