AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

You didn't need to make any of your snide comments to me, yet here we still are.

So with this approach are you going to start slowly introducing alcohol at 13 so they can learn to drink responsibly before they turn 18? When they can then do what they want and pay for it themselves with their weekend job so you can't stop them? Or do you understand that some substances and things are harmful to developing bodies and should be kept away from them until they are old enough to handle them?

Smart phones are harmful to children's development and social media is dangerous to developing teens. They should be kept away from it until they are old enough to learn to use them safely.

I think it's really poor parenting when you see 14 year old girls on social media who then get depressed because they can't live up to all the fake imagery they see on there and get themselves into risky situations by talking to strangers because they aren't old enough to properly understand the dangers even if it is explained to them.

When my DD was that age she and her sibling went to back to back afterschool dance classes where parents wound up waiting around together for quite a time whilst the different classes were on. It was a nice time to socialise for the kids and the mums but I did feel uncomfortable with the volume of crisps, sweets and cake/ biscuits that some people brought to share. I am not really a snacking person and I never saw the need to eg bring snacks to school pick up so it was weird to me as I would have brought nothing at all or just a drink if it was solely up to me but I didn't want to be rude or isolate DD from her peers.

In the end the way I managed it was 'if you can't beat em join em' so I just brought our own more healthy snacks to share which were actually surprisingly popular and that reduced the desire to consume the more unhealthy stuff. I would bring stuff like lots of different fruit, crackers and cheese, veg dippers and hummus and honestly lots of the kids seemed to love it. Then if mine didn't want to eat much dinner that day I felt as though they'd had something fairly decent anyway and I was less fussed about them also having crisps.

You can't change other people's behaviour so the only other options I felt were to stop going to the class, which would be a shame as they loved it, or to ban her from eating the stuff which one of the other mums did but she was seen as a bit of a weirdo and a killjoy I'm afraid.

We are long past all that now as they are teenagers and make their own choices and largely these are fairly decent ones.

It’s clear you’re trying very hard to derail the thread and deflect.If that’s what you want to do, that’s up to you, l’ve got a life, l’m not interested.I’m not playing whatever game this is.

My thoughts exactly. So many parents are completely unaware of the dangers of smartphones to the developing brains of our children.

I wouldn’t have thought it was great to give them all that, no, I might have said ‘you’ll spoil your dinner’, I did also worry about their teeth. I’m going to sound judgy now but I would never have given Subway for lunch, thats junk food. I agree with another poster that said don’t substitute junk at proper mealtimes and don’t make sugary foods ‘treats’

'friends and their 9-year-old DCs'

how many friends was there, and how many children ?

as this was a very large bag of donuts that one person had.

For goodness sake you pair. Give it a rest before I bang your heads together! 😂🙄

I’ve just said l’m not playing whatever game this is.It’s quite interesting though, only a couple of other posters have called out this person, who has just been relentless throughout the thread, going after posters, by always quoting, what’s been said, because they have a difference of opinion or rather is trying to derail the thread
Leave me out of the head banging🙄

Christ…. Well I guess everyone who disagrees with you is wrong so I’m not sure why you asked.

Stealth brag post is not very stealthy.
Must try harder.

By replying and further trying to argue your point you absolutely are playing this "game". I've no idea what either of you said at the beginning but come on - you're fully grown adults!

If you’re going to comment might be useful, if you’d read what was said prior.You’re not really helping helping though are you, l just said l want to move on, with this thread, the quoting has just been ridiculous.
I don’t get why, you now feel the need to chime in, when you have no idea what’s been said.It’s done, let’s just move on.

I've (ashamedly) just wasted 20 minutes of my evening going through what was said, and I'm on your side with the content. But the pair of you are just banging on and on, going round and round about nothing in particular - certainly nothing to do with the thread!

And now I've stupidly gone and stuck my nose in and become part of the problem! 😂 Do as I say and not as I do. 😉

I've definitely had similar experiences op days out with DC and their friends and their parents. A regular day and the other parents supply their child + friends with a constant supply of chocolate and sweeties and you look like an ass trying to moderate your child's food.
I'm sure someone will be along to tell you you should mind your own business and not be afraid to make your daughter the odd one out. But it's not that simple and I 100% understand you.

I just feel, if l’m going to comment, it’s only going to be if l agree with the original post.But yes, l’ve had enough of it now, it’s just strange the other person hasn’t commented any further, now you’ve got involved, which is just adding to it.
I stand by what l’ve said, l’m now leaving the thread.

I think some people just like to bash ops for the sake of it. There's nothing unreasonable about telling your young daughter to be polite to elderly people shopping, or not wanting your child to eat a constant stream of chocs and sweeties but feeling uneasy because all the friends are doing it and you don't want her being the odd one out.
Honestly there's nothing unreasonable about feeling that way I don't get the op bashing that goes on on this site.

🫣

No comments on the original question but these kids have been given crazy amounts of really unhealthy food! It's probably not just a one off either. How can parents justify jeopardising their children's future health like this? One snack is enough surely?

Alcohol is something that can be avoided quite easily whilst eating is something you can’t really not partake in.

Making the right food choices, how little or how much you eat and noticing the affect certain foods have on your body is something that only you as an individual can learn and decide on by trying certain foods and knowing how they make you feel and how they affect your body.
This should start from a very young age and being introduced to a wide range of fruits and vegetables to start with and treating everything as normal everyday food. Even those things that other people consider as treats
As a parent making sure your child has enough vitamins and minerals through their food, whether that be in the shape of a cookie, sandwich and a tofu and roast veg stirfry
Initially it all has to be planned out and thought about before you leave the house.

If you know you are going to be with other parents who are going to hand out stuff you don’t really want your child to have and the other children think they are treats then you have to come up with a similar healthier “treats” for everyone to eat first.
Fill dc up with your “healthy” version of cookies, fruit and have sandwiches on hand. Then when they get round to the other mums doughnuts they might be too full to eat a whole one.

It’s about being realistic and planning ahead

It takes a bit of thought and organisation at first but eventually it becomes quick and easy to pack stuff.

Im not sure why you asked for opinions when all youve done is shut down people who call you judgy 😂

Group trips out mean you either have an argument or you relent because its a one off. If you want 💯 control over your child and your day out then you can always go alone

jeez lighten up ffs

You are right....in my opinion but

You cannot influence others it just won't work.

You control yourself and parent your DC the way you want. You either have to ignore the non parenting parents or limit your time with them....they most likely won't change (then regret it years down the line).
YANBU.

The whole concept of treats is part of our childhood obesity problem. Don't buy unhealthy food. Give your kids healthy options and don't make a fuss either way about junk food.
1 Saturday doesn't matter in the scheme of things, but you would have a better day hanging put with different families.

You can't expect everyone in the world to follow your own rules.