AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

(And I do see you say she 'shouted' and 'everyone stared at her', but in all honesty, given the situation and how you seem to be about her, I think that may just be your perception of it)

Do you assume that people are judging you all of the time?

It may surprise you that actually most people rarely think about you or give what you are doing any real consideration.

Most people don't give a shiny shit about how many treats another person gives their kid. They wouldn't have kept track and it just wouldn't be stored away in their brain to pick apart later.

Once you realise that life is much nicer.

Also, people aren't judging you here, they're offering their opinion on an Internet forum where you posted ASKING if you were BU.

Oh, she shouted!!

I did chat with her however she found it unfair and it spiralled from there. I'm not proud, either.

You're not wrong, OP. Unfortunately the only answer is to spend less time with people whose values are very different to your own and more time with people whose values are similar.

I think a few extra treats on a day out with friends isn't necessarily 'a constant stream'. They may well eat perfectly healthy, balanced diets for the rest of the time. It's like holidays as well. Children don't eat what they'd eat at home. My children eat really good food for the most part, but we do relax more around their friends, cousins etc. I do understand what you mean to an extent though, and I do think that children get way more treats than they ever used to. And it can be very hard to exert control over that since it's become a more common occurrence.

I think the customer was right to focus on your dd's polite manner. My children stand back a little too much in situations because they're very polite, too, but I've begun encouraging them to step forward a bit more and be more assertive (but still polite).

I'm all for a blow out but 2 donuts, crisps and an ice cream in a short time is over the top.

People seem to eat every second of the day. Whenever, we go out as a family, it's a rare treat to eat, when out because frankly it's expensive and as a society we seem to have got into the habit of needing to eat every 5 minutes. Unless its a planned picnic, we don't just grab food - never done it as a child nor did my parents but now it's normal to nip into a shop for a snack/ stop at greggs or get a Costa

You're getting a lot of weird responses OP. I'm with you and wouldn't have been happy either. Tbh I can't believe the amount of junk people feed their kids on a normal day out. No wonder we have an obesity crisis! PP's suggestion of managing expectations beforehand is the best approach in my experience.

Well yes, they have judged the information I've given them and responded accordingly. And as it's all they know about me and there's comments eg. calling me "uptight" then it is judgement. Not pointing-at-me-in-the-street judgement.

I just don't think judgment is a bad thing. If you were concerned about a friend, that concern would come from a place of judging there's something to worry about then judging whether to say anything, etc.

But, yes, I grew up with so much negative judgment from my parents that I do think everyone is judging me. Maybe I need to let that go. Came here for one thing and got another.

Still think it was too much crap food yesterday though.

OP,
I've read your responses but not all of everyone else's.

I used to do the same as you. My 4 kids had one treat a day and they had control over what that was. I enforced it even when other kids parents seemed to not care about their own kids.

One of my friends had a cupboard full of sweets and treats that her kids could just help themselves too without asking. My kids found it shocking. My friends kids were badly behaved and two were overweight. Of course I judged. It's bad and lazy parenting.

My kids are adults now and they still roughly stick to the one treat a day thing.

I didn't give in to bad behaviour and I was very consistent with my expectations of my kids behaviour and my kids were well behaved. They never rebelled as teenagers and have grown up to be lovely adults that I'm extremely close to.
I KNOW some of it is luck that I had naturally calm kids but I think a lot of it is parenting too.

Any parents that routinely give their kids loads of sweets or other crappy food are being lazy. Especially if they are doing it bacause they don't want to deal with meltdowns etc. It's bad parenting.

Stop blaming ‘society’. You are society. I’m not sure where you live, but constant junk food and snacks isn’t something I recognise on a day to day basis when I am out and about. Neither is everyone over 40 with chronic health problems - most 40yr old women I know have young baby/toddler, active and healthy.

I think you need to stop blaming others and just address your own parenting. It seems your childhood of treat giving made you unhealthy as an adult, so I’m not sure why you think it would work on your children. A subway and cookie would never be something I would give a child, but I don’t think it would cause a lifetime of chronic illness.

Other people who think Subway is healthier than it is?

Thank you. My DD is so mature in other respects. We have a close relationship & she's a lovely girl. She even defended my Mum friend when her son was mouthing off at her yesterday.

I also know the impact all the junk food has on her behaviour, even on a Saturday afternoon!

It is over the top and would likely leave the child feeling a bit ill. But as a one off it's not the end of the world. The kid had too many treats, feels ill, chat later "do you think that was too many treats in one day"..... "hmmmmmm, what could we do differently?"....... "ooooohhh, that's a good idea, we could only one treat so that we don't feel like this again".

Kids need to experience some negatives in order to practice risk assessing and decision-making in safe ways.

This is a brief snapshot of part of one day. We have no idea about the rest of the week. 🫣

You can say excuse me if someone’s in the way. Have you never seen anyone do it?

To be fair, context matters. And a lot of kids - understandably - haven’t got there yet. They’ve been told “that’s what to say” and see it as a “magic word”. Whereas sometimes it isn’t appropriate. For example, if people are hanging back to let others off the train before they get on themselves, then it’s very rude to say “excuse me” and move past them to get on first yourself. I’ve had kids say it to me in places where there is literally nowhere for me to move for them to get past; they don’t realise that and so it’s down to the parent to manage. I saw a man blatantly queue jump in an airport by yelling “excuse me” at the top of his voice - he really wasn’t polite in that scenario. It sounds like the OP did well with that incident with her DD and I think I’d have been irritated to be corrected by another parent too.

The treats thing will always be an issue when you’re out with others. I’ve had the opposite experience as well; was invited to lunch by a friend who had done a lovely little picnic for the kids: little ham sandwiches, Pom bears, raisins etc. And she’d asked a new neighbour who made a big show of refusing to let her kids eat anything (“they can’t have processed food”). And while - of course - she’s free to have her own standards about what constitutes a healthy diet for her kids, it came across as incredibly ungracious. It can be a difficult balance. Perhaps next time you’re out with these people, be stricter about what DD has beforehand? If you enjoy the company of these friends, it seems a shame to miss out on that overall.

I bet you're fun at parties. It was one day where your DD had a bit too much junk, we've all been there. Just set some firm expectations before you go out next time. She isn't going to get diabetes from one Saturday in 2024 where she had an extra doughnut.

OK, assuming she did actually shout - I would have smiled at the man, said 'I'm sorry, hope she didn't make you jump!', said to her 'oops, that came out a bit noisy there!' and that would have been the end of it - no chat, not afterwards either. It's a child trying to be polite and getting it a bit wrong. You seem to have built it up into a source of embarrassment - to you - which seems to be a big theme here.

On the food thing - your language has left me quite curious - you're describing it in really quite emotionalised and dramatic terms, 'funnelling', 'constant stream', and the constant use of 'treats' instead of naming foods what they are. I think you're projecting from your own past here, and I also wonder whether the emphasis on health - although you must know that a day with a lot of ice-cream and donuts isn't going to leave her obese and diabetic by 40 - is a smokescreen for a concern that's primarily about weight. I think you need to reflect on this more closely, as it's possible to do a child, particularly a girl, a lot of terrible damage by passing on disordered attitudes to food.

I agree that it is difficult when others are allowing their children to eat junk in front of yours when you would rather your kid doesn't gorge on junk food.
I try and take the approach that mine eat healthy most of the time at home and therefore if they have extra one day I have to let it go.
We have talked about the reasons why constant junk food is so bad at home and luckily my 7 and 9 year old have started to take this on board and will make healthier choices themselves.

I also find the low level bad behaviour that is not reprimanded leads to escalations. My SIL does no disciplining of her children and then likes to moan how difficult their behaviour is to manage. She honestly believes she has the most difficult children ever, rather than their behaviour being a result of no boundaries because it is easier in the short term to give in. Whereas my children have been brought up to now what is acceptable behaviour and my eldest in particular gets comments from friends parents on how great he is to have over for playdates.

No I turned to junk food because of other reasons. I just referenced the addiction because it made me overweight and unhealthy for a long period and I'm keen to pass on better life lessons to my DD.

Crisps, something cake like (ie a doughnut) as part of picnic lunch and a later ice-cream would have been perfectly normal for a day out in the UK until about 2010. Some children don't eat meals and are snackers.

Since Brexit companies have started putting in more additives again so snacks are more and more dangerous.

However To fit in eat healthy at home and bring homemade snacks to share

Don’t be daft OP.

All people are saying is that it’s unreasonable to expect parents to parent differently to please you.

You sound like a good parent to me op.
Waiting politely for an older, slower person to get something in a shop is not being downtrodden by men, it’s being thoughtful.

And ime too many parents are scared of their dc and let them do as they please.

I parented like you and I have two of the most lovely, polite adults who eat a healthy diet for the most part.

It seems you have a number of anxieties to address OP. It’s OK to parent differently to your friends. Have a chat with your DD about what her boundaries are when out with a friend or group; e.g. “If you’ve had a cookie and a doughnut, you can expect me to say no to further high sugar snacks.” Now you know the potential for a situation like that to occur, you can parent proactively rather than reactively. But even more importantly, try and relax. Personally, I’d let it go on an occasional day out with friends - it’s not worth the upset you’re experiencing in the aftermath.

I do hate the stream of snacks, I try not to give too many but it does make it hard when you're e.g. at the park and someone starts handing them out.

But I think it is just life - there will always be people who live differently, we can either go along with it on occasion or make a point on the day. And sometimes for little kids that will probably lead to disappointment and then being upset. Which is fine, it's a valid way for them to feel.

And while I feel strongly on the snack front, I am sure there are other aspects of parenting I am less bothered about that may cause issues when I'm with my friends children if they are trying to instill that particular standard.

Exactly. I thought the "excuse me" was worth picking up on. Then later when DD queued by herself at the till to spend her pocket money, handled an interaction with the cashier and paid my friend said "that's the product of good parenting".

For us, these outcomes happen because of the hands on parenting. Not being superior - it was the same day as the meltdown. No ivory tower here.