AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

Try having DC with allergies and watch other parents buy their DC huge piles of food that my DC can't have and let their DC scoff it down right in front of them. It's not really fair but they just have to get on with it.

It sounds like you're asking for opinions but getting aggressive with ones that differ from yours.

It maybe that these other parents style is healthy snacks 6 days a week and when they're all out with friends it's a cheat day. It maybe that they are OK with their kids constantly eating sugar. They are parenting, just differently to you. They don't have to amend their approachs to make your parenting choices easier.

How you parent your DD isn't unreasonable, but it doesn't mean it's a. Perfect or b. Should be held as some universal standard. And as many have asked, it's reasonable to query if your values differ so wildly to these parents why don't you cease socialising with them.

If you wish to keep seeing them you need to accept this is how they parent and they're entitled to. You either need to continue managing her expectations, or change your approach, or accept when you're all together you may need to adjust your daughters treat intake the rest of the week to balance out your concerns. But you can't change others and it's unreasonable to expect to

One of my DC has allergies, but I’d never expect others to refrain from eating foods they are allergic to. That’s just not how the world works.

OP a couple of the things that you have mentioned during your childhood ie negativity, turning to junk food( I'm guessing for comfort) and being overweight may be something you need to look at,as it may be rhat you're projecting your insecurities onto your daughter (just a thought ok).

This!
OP you’re letting other peoples parenting bother you too much

OP I thought you sounded like a bit of a twat in the original aibu but having read your responses I love how you have learned from this experience. I truly can feel your growth and I commend you for that.

I wasn’t allowed lots of ‘sugary treats’ as a child. I have a huge sweet tooth now but in my teens/twenties I was more a savoury snack lover than a sugar lover.

I would like you to consider that your DD could be neurodiverse. The meltdown and give me things/pulling on your bag at 9… I mean I’m not expert but I think you should get it checked out. There’s no harm in doing so. You can do a lot online, self assessment things. Or even just looking into adhd/autism basic traits; you never know you might identify other behaviours she does. I was diagnosed with adhd in July this year at 46. I wish I could have done something about it when I was younger.

Good luck. Parenting is hard.

No I don't ask them to. But sometimes it would nice if people were a bit more thoughtful.

My GD is nine and very slim. Her mother lets her eat virtually anything that she fancies, including sweets, though not snacks too close to meals. Personally I wouldn't do this and they know that at my house they don't get any sweets though they do get snacks when they get home from school, maybe a crumpet or some kind of cake.
My own DC didn't eat snacks like this, normally just toast or cereal to tide them over until supper. Both GC are slim, active and healthy with no dental problems so I don't see that it is doing them any harm. I don't criticize other parents' treatment of their children.

You seem very defensive for someone asking people for advice. You have afew options here.

1. Dont go if it bothers you that much
2. Use the day as a treat day and just enjoy it for what it is, don’t stress it afew extra treats here and there never hurt anyone
3. Explain to your child your rules before you get there

We all choose to parent our children our own way, these parents are not going to change their ways because you don’t approve so it’s on you and only you to decide what works for you and your child. Seems like your child is well mannered and assertive to say “excuse me” absolutely nothing wrong with that.