AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

It just depends on your tolerance levels I suppose. I would have agreed to the chocolate lolly to keep the peace and let my child join in with the others. Does that make me a terrible mother who fills their child with crap? Yeah maybe for that 30 mins. But it’s about picking your battles I suppose. I’d do anything to avoid a scene and avoid anything that makes me stressed. I’d make sure no more treats for the rest of the weekend and a nice healthy dinner.

My child when young her was not given as many 'treats' as other kids and one of the reasons was so when they were with other kids they were used to making possibly different choices to others but at times chose what the others went with too

Not once I have ever judged any parents for their choices affecting my child or my parenting

If you can't parent your child because of others that is on you not them, and yea I am judging you do wonder how you are going to handle the teenage years

You are expecting to be told how wonderful you are sure some will agree with you I am not one of them even of i did minimise 'treats' also

Nope, she said she doesn't want her DD getting heart disease, diabetes or cancer! 😖

I mainly agree with you. I am astonished how much some children get constantly fed.

However, assuming it was a rare one off I would let this go.

However constant feeding and producing snacks would have pissed me off for another reason -my children have allergies and when people produce unexpected food like it is a benign treat its horrible as mine are left out.

And I do think there needs to be some navel gazing as a society about the amount of constant snacking we think is required, and the focus on food as the main "reward". My daughter went to her junior school disco, and they were encouraged to bring money for sweets and in addition every child was given a chocolate bar and a packet of crisps halfway through the disco. It was a 60 minute party! I asked my daughter if she wanted me to sort safe versions and she said no because she just wanted to dance. Some of the children had £5 for sweets plus the chocolate bar and crisps, they can't have done anything but eat

(And don't get me started on the fact school were so proud to provided the chocolate bars "to ensure they are nut free" whilst totally oblivious to the fact milk allergies are the number one cause of fatalities in children now and my daughter was surrounded by a hundred sticky sweaty children eating milk chocolate)

You're not better though.
Your child had a Subway for lunch - not in itself bad every now and then but also not a place to take a moral high ground!
Maybe they had healthier lunches, maybe they eat healthy all week, maybe a little Saturday treat or two while also using up energy is actually okay? Even if it IS too much sugar, it's not up to you to police it for other people's children.

OP, fwiw, I agree that different parents/different rules is one of the hardest parts of parenting. Really difficult to navigate. On some issues I’m an absolute ogre, v strict, and on others, I’m probably more relaxed. Solidarity there.

But tbh I’m finding your responses to PP quite passive-aggressive and angry and I’m not sure why you are reacting like this. You’ve come on a forum to ask for opinions. People have given you them. You disagree, as is your right. But then you are using hyperbole and ‘so I’m the only one who cares about teeth falling out etc. Ok.’ And it’s really off-putting to those who want to offer genuine advice.

There are a tonne of options you could try:

• if you are close to the other parents, you could have a ‘two-snacks-pact’ and approach it beforehand. You could really encourage them to think about their own rules in a way that’s gentle and non-judgy
• you could speak to your DD in advance and prepare her for the different rules/different parents thing. Model it. Ask her how it will feel when she’s not allowed something her peers are, and then walk her through dealing with that emotion so she’s ready and prepared when it happens
• save your ‘teachable moments’ eg the excuse me thing til after the day out, and then say ‘watch me and I’ll show you what I mean’ while you model it in a shop somewhere

Or disregard all of these options and you do you.

Yeah - I did say to DD quietly to begin with and it escalated from there with her meltdown. Yes I could have avoided the melt down by being more flexible but I wasn't willing to funnel her with junk all afternoon and DH agrees.

I grew up with 1-2 treat snacks on a day out and I remember seeing kids tantrumming but people were more accepting of it. Acknowledged it was parenting and necessary sometimes. These days it's not acceptable and we must keep kids constantly happy even if it's not the best for them in the long term.

the kids that have strict parents around "treat food" (I hate that expression though) are often the ones who end up with fat kids once they're a bit older and realise they can buy their own treats whenever they want.

A subway, a cookie, a doughnut and a treat for a Saturday night film is not what I would consider strict with food in any way.
I'm not sure why OP is getting superior about it. Her child had a cookie and a doughnut, the friend had a doughnut and an ice cream. And yet it's being described as the other parent filling their child with "crap".

It's worth remembering you're only seeing a snspshot of these families lives.If my child misbehaves when we're out, I tell him to stop but also address this at home later and take action then (dock pocket money or take away Nintendo)rather than have a public scene. With the witch comment, I'd probably laugh it off in public but it definitely address at home.

You're judging them they're judging you. The whole thing sounds ridiculous so I'd just not bother.

All you can do is set out your rules for DD beforehand and make it clear that they will be in place regardless of what other DC do. The 'all families are different with different rules, these are my rules for you because..." talk. If you feel your DD isn't able yet to accept this without being upset or angry at the time, then I'd be avoiding the parent/child group days and invite various DCs out with me and DD one to one instead for a while.

Yeah just frustrated with society I guess.

Thank you for the tips - I have read them & I did feel a bit at a loss for what to do, so thank you.

So next time give a proper lunch, then you can relax about treats, then you won't have this issue again.

Plus take some better cake if you want control.

Eh? Nobody wants their child to get ill. A couple of treats at the weekend is probably not the major thing influencing that! Subway isn't exactly healthy either. 😬

Honestly I would judge massively too any parent stuffing their children with this amount of junk.? It’s hard OP. Realistically I’d limit the amount of time I spent with them, but also teach DD about why you limit junk food and warn in advance of days out that she can have eg two sugary things if she wants them. I wouldn’t call them treats. They aren’t. They’re more like poison and you love her too much to do that to her!

One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house.

What does this mean?

I am close enough to know it won't get addressed.

But yes agree I need to deal with it less in the moment.

You wouldn't also include Subway for lunch in this judging?

It's the warning in advance I need to do more off. I shouldn't have just assumed it was engrained by now.

And you're right. I love her and want her to have a long life. Most people have chronic illnesses from their 40s. I myself have had a junk food addiction in the past in my teenage years. I want her to have treats and see them as treats, not as a regular part of diet.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean

You can say excuse me if someone’s in the way. Have you never seen anyone do it?

What's confusing about it? They were in the park. I assume it was some kind of play house but a relatively fancy one with real slate tiles. Or a model village. Either way it's vandalism.

You're trying to turn it into how awful other parents are 'these days' vs how sensible you are, but you know you made an error of judgment, otherwise you wouldn't be posting.

Your mistake was giving the alloted 2 treats before meeting up with friends. I don't give my DC 1 to 2 treats everyday, but out with friends in a party atmosphere, I go with the flow.

My DC know what a healthy diet is, want to eat that most of the time and often refuse treats when given the choice. Your DD won't learn to make good choices I'd she isn't given those choices.

How many times have you been out with these mums?

I think it will be the last.

Personally I couldn’t get worked up about this. I would treat it as a rare day out / one off and just go with the flow, allow extra treats etc.

But - you could turn it on its head and think are these really my people? You sound irritated by them, they don’t parent like you, you don’t like the habits your dd is picking up from their kids. Maybe just distance yourself a bit and try and find other friends?

Yabu, you sound judgey and sanctimonious. At 9 dd is old enoigh to understand that different people have different rules, so you do you and let the others be, or get yourself a new set if friends who share your values.

My friends and I don't parent the same, some are more lenient, others are strict, some are worriers, others are relaxed but we are FRIENDS, we are there to raise each other up, not sit in silent judgement