Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

308 replies

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:25

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/10/2024 07:27

How much golf did he play before baby arrived?

AlwaysFreezing · 13/10/2024 07:30

What a twat. Has he always been like this? Were there clues he'd be like this? He is not a good partner, or father or man. You're so vulnerable right now.

This next year is going to be awful, because of him. You don't have to stay with him, but I totally get that it must seem impossible to leave right now. Tell your mom everything. And your best friend. Do not cover for him. That way it won't be a shock when you're stronger and you do leave.

God, I hate him. Do you?

dijonketchup · 13/10/2024 07:34

You have had 9 months of putting your child’s needs first already. His life, I expect, hasn’t changed a bit.

Well, it needs to start now. You have enough to do with recovery and baby, is there someone (his mum or dad?) who can remind him he’s a parent and his child and wife need him? And that golf is off the table until you are back to full strength. Jesus.

LostOnTheWayToManderley · 13/10/2024 07:35

Well, the best time to raise this was early on during his pat leave. The next best time is now.

Sit down and discuss what the plan is going to be when he goes back to work tomorrow. Talk about shared parenting, support and family time in the evenings and at weekends. Agree that the sleep interruption is horrible for you both and how you’re going to work together to manage this time.

He’s a dad now. He can’t behave like a single man (or golfer!)

Honestly I cannot fathom why these men want to have children in the first place.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2024 07:35

This is beyond shocking op.

It's so bad that I don't even know how to advise, because if he hasn't realised how bad it is, and you have to double check, then how on Earth do you get through to a person like this?!

Unless this is out of character and it's shock at the birth, then either you need to go apoplectic at him and/or prepare for life as a single parent.

gonnabeteoubleemma · 13/10/2024 07:35

AlwaysFreezing · 13/10/2024 07:30

What a twat. Has he always been like this? Were there clues he'd be like this? He is not a good partner, or father or man. You're so vulnerable right now.

This next year is going to be awful, because of him. You don't have to stay with him, but I totally get that it must seem impossible to leave right now. Tell your mom everything. And your best friend. Do not cover for him. That way it won't be a shock when you're stronger and you do leave.

God, I hate him. Do you?

Edited

Calm down!

BippityBopper · 13/10/2024 07:35

DustyLee123 · 13/10/2024 07:27

How much golf did he play before baby arrived?

Why is that relevant? Whether it was a lot or a little, he shouldn't be pissing off to play golf while he has a newborn and recovering wife at home.

Avanet · 13/10/2024 07:36

You've just put your body through the ringer to give him a beautiful little baby to hold and he'd rather hold a golf club and stare at a pimpley little ball and some grass? Bastard!

DustyLee123 · 13/10/2024 07:37

BippityBopper · 13/10/2024 07:35

Why is that relevant? Whether it was a lot or a little, he shouldn't be pissing off to play golf while he has a newborn and recovering wife at home.

Show quote history

It’s a question, it doesn’t have to have relevance.

Original poster
Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:38

@DustyLee123 he did play a lot of golf pre baby, and I never expected him not to play but I thought he might have taken a couple of weeks off

OP posts:
doodleschnoodle · 13/10/2024 07:38

That's really not on, OP. DH has taken a month with both kids (two weeks paternity, two weeks holiday) and during that time did pretty much everything in the house. I had a section both times too. He did cooking, cleaning, took baby and older DD when it was DD2 first thing in morning so I could sleep, etc.

Is this your first baby?

DustyLee123 · 13/10/2024 07:39

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:38

@DustyLee123 he did play a lot of golf pre baby, and I never expected him not to play but I thought he might have taken a couple of weeks off

Thank you

MidnightPatrol · 13/10/2024 07:40

IMO in most couples there is a major re-adjustment period post-birth, where the mums life is forcibly completely changed (birth, breastfeeding etc) and the dads… can kind of continue as before. They aren’t tied to the baby in the same way.

I had the same issue with my DH - announcing a day out with mates at the weekend and so on.

You need to be very direct with him about how you are feeling, and what your expectations are.

Wolframandhart · 13/10/2024 07:40

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:38

@DustyLee123 he did play a lot of golf pre baby, and I never expected him not to play but I thought he might have taken a couple of weeks off

I would strongly suggest shared parental leave. And that you do not give up or even lose focus on your career. Or get pregnant again. He is selfish. He expected his life not to change.

Whenwillitgetwarm · 13/10/2024 07:41

He’s shown you a preview of the type of dad he’s going to be. When he goes back to work he’ll do nothing to help you or baby. He sees it as your job.

Tell him he needs to step up. In addition don’t plan DC2.

Everydayimhuffling · 13/10/2024 07:41

Time to tell him to shape the fuck up. I'd start by saying no to the weekend of golf, and telling him that the two of you need to discuss together when he can find time for golf. He is being totally unreasonable.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2024 07:43

Since neither of you seem to be aware of it - the, obvious, rule is - EQUAL down time. Why wouldn't it be?

That's time for each of you when you are neither working, doing housework, commuting or looking after babies.

So. If he has 4 hours to play golf. Then you also get 4 hours doing whatever you want.

Pickled21 · 13/10/2024 07:44

I wouldn't have any more children with him. For me he's shown his true colours and I'd be inclined to get rid. However I appreciate that is a big decision and you've just had a baby so now probably isn't the most appropriate time. I have had 3 csections and my dh took care of me each and every time. I got better at realising what I needed and asked for it. He did night shifts with all 3 of our kids even when he was working full time as I needed sleep too. My dh took the time to be with our newborns as much as possible, they change so much in the early days, he didn't want to miss anything. I'm not saying this to male you feel shit but to show you that how your dh is behaving isn't necessarily the norm

Your dh has failed you when you are most vulnerable.You need to have a sit down chat about how utterly selfish he has been and set out some clear boundaries. It's an emotional time for you but you do need to be clear in your mind about what you want for yourself. As it stands he is showing neither you or the baby are his priority.

susiedaisy1912 · 13/10/2024 07:45

Whenwillitgetwarm · 13/10/2024 07:41

He’s shown you a preview of the type of dad he’s going to be. When he goes back to work he’ll do nothing to help you or baby. He sees it as your job.

Tell him he needs to step up. In addition don’t plan DC2.

This.

Whatsitreallylike · 13/10/2024 07:46

I feel angry for you! I’m so sorry, he’s a piece of shit.

Berga · 13/10/2024 07:47

He is showing you who he is.

My ex decided to cut his paternity leave short because work needed him. More than a wife and newborn with no local family or support apparently. It was all downhill from there for me as I came to see he was a selfish, emotionally abusive idiot. Funnily enough the final nail in the coffin was when he fucked off to play golf all day on Christmas Eve, followed by the pub, instead of being with me and DC.

I would also prepare for being a single parent. You already are, either in or out of the marriage.

Bestyearever2024 · 13/10/2024 07:47

You need to tell him how you want him to change. What you need him to do. How you need him to be.

Give him a chance to change

If he doesn't change, then you need to rethink

susiedaisy1912 · 13/10/2024 07:47

I also can't believe he's already booked golf for both days next weekend. What would happen if you told him to cancel one of them?

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 13/10/2024 07:48

What's with all these selfish golfing men recently? Did they even want children in the first place?

Drinas · 13/10/2024 07:49

Pickled21 · 13/10/2024 07:44

I wouldn't have any more children with him. For me he's shown his true colours and I'd be inclined to get rid. However I appreciate that is a big decision and you've just had a baby so now probably isn't the most appropriate time. I have had 3 csections and my dh took care of me each and every time. I got better at realising what I needed and asked for it. He did night shifts with all 3 of our kids even when he was working full time as I needed sleep too. My dh took the time to be with our newborns as much as possible, they change so much in the early days, he didn't want to miss anything. I'm not saying this to male you feel shit but to show you that how your dh is behaving isn't necessarily the norm

Your dh has failed you when you are most vulnerable.You need to have a sit down chat about how utterly selfish he has been and set out some clear boundaries. It's an emotional time for you but you do need to be clear in your mind about what you want for yourself. As it stands he is showing neither you or the baby are his priority.

This.

My DH took 6 weeks off and I did nothing in the house for the first few weeks.

What’s he’s done is not ok.