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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

308 replies

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:25

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

OP posts:
Sunglow1921 · 13/10/2024 08:47

Bestyearever2024 · 13/10/2024 07:47

You need to tell him how you want him to change. What you need him to do. How you need him to be.

Give him a chance to change

If he doesn't change, then you need to rethink

This.

I despair at how difficult it is for some men to adjust to being a parent. It’s like once the baby arrives they desperately want to cling to their previous lifestyle while their partner has to deal with physical and emotional recovery, elevated hormones and sometimes trauma on top of everything that comes with looking after a newborn.

Unfortunately you will have to spell out what is expected of him. Golf days are not on at least until you’ve established a routine and you both agree if/when he can play. One of you sleeping in another room is good, but take turns a few hours each. Sit down and agree what’s expected of him now that he’s returning to work. Otherwise you’ll end up doing 100% of the childcare while he moans about being tired after sleeping in another room and playing golf.

Communication is key. His response to this conversation will inform your next move.

S0CKPUPPET · 13/10/2024 08:49

arethereanyleftatall · 13/10/2024 07:43

Since neither of you seem to be aware of it - the, obvious, rule is - EQUAL down time. Why wouldn't it be?

That's time for each of you when you are neither working, doing housework, commuting or looking after babies.

So. If he has 4 hours to play golf. Then you also get 4 hours doing whatever you want.

This. It’s not enough but it’s a start. If he’s booked golf for two days next weekend then you need to also book some child free time.

And if you are supposed to do things while you are looking after baby ( like breast feeding , washing or cooking ) then he needs to do the same. He doesn’t get to sit on the sofa for 2 hours gaming while baby sleeps but when you watch baby you need to make dinner.

If his time watching baby actually means that he takes baby to his mother’s while he plays golf, that doesn’t count.

needavice888 · 13/10/2024 08:49

unmemorableusername · 13/10/2024 08:31

LTB

He's only going to get worse.

You are a single parent.

agreed!

orangegato · 13/10/2024 08:50

What is it with golf? Not all arseholes play golf, but all golf players seem to be arseholes.

pictoosh · 13/10/2024 08:50

Gutting...you've just learned that the man you thought was on board to welcome a new baby to your lives with all that entails, is a spectator.

It's nice to have a wife and baby to come home to and relax with once you've taken care of all your personal interests and played a round of golf.
It's just like on the telly.

Suzuki70 · 13/10/2024 08:51

You need to express right now that you will not be looking after the baby solo on Saturday and Sunday as well as Monday to Friday because this baby has 2 parents. Otherwise in 5 years time you will be freezing your tits off at sports training on a Saturday and attending 2 kids parties on your own on a Sunday. Agree with the poster that said saying "Oh ok" while inwardly fuming will not get you anywhere. If there's a big row, so be it.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 13/10/2024 08:52

sashh · 13/10/2024 08:40

Take the baby out of the equation for a second.

AIBU I have had major abdominal surgery, my husband took two weeks of work but didn't look after me.

That is bad enough.

Add in a new born and this is off the scale you are not being unreasonable. The whole point of paternity leave is to help you with the baby.

This is an excellent point.

TheOGCCL · 13/10/2024 08:53

He’s either not understood the sacrifices needed when you have a child, or he expects you to make them all. I guess the first is fixable.

TheLittleOldWomanWhoShrinks · 13/10/2024 08:54

He's been at home for two weeks and it's your mother who's been doing the cleaning?
That is really, profoundly shocking. And an indication of a deep-seated belief on his part that childcare and domestic labour are women's work. He's basically set up paternity leave as a holiday for himself, deigns to do the stuff that suits him and has worn you down with the constant complaints about tiredness to let him off the hook. He's also absolutely setting the pattern and expectations now, while you're still exhausted and less able to resist, for how things will be going forward.
Did you talk about this stuff during pregnancy? Was he into the idea of a baby?

You need to make it very clear now that this is not how things are going to be, that neither of you need to give up everything you did before (I kept my main hobby, in a limited/adapted measure, throughout bf) but that both of you need to limit things to ensure you are both sharing the work and both building your family. And that if he can't cope with that, he can't have the positive sides of a family and you need to look at moving apart and coparenting.

renoleno · 13/10/2024 08:55

This is the time to put your foot down and kick up a stink or this routine will stay forever. Don't be passive aggressive or silently resentful - just be clear on what you expect of him and that he cannot play golf until the baby is in a routine. He's going to have to find coping mechanisms that involve you and baby in the future - as escaping your family everytime you're having a bad day isn't it. Be firm and make it clear the marriage won't last unless he bucks up because you're his wife not his paid help.

Some people are selfish and uncompromising, and get away with it with partners who are too meek to challenge the behaviour. He's obv not a natural dad, that's ok, he has to learn. Please do not give up your job or he will always dictate the terms of your marriage. Also don't have another child with him unless you accept you'll raise them like a single mum with him just providing money. It's horrible when men model this for their sons at home - if your son sees you being strong and laying down boundaries, he'll grow up to be a much better man than his dad.

crumblingschools · 13/10/2024 08:55

Who is cooking the meals today?

What was the split of household chores before baby arrived?

Is he expecting you to finance anything baby related?

RevelryMum · 13/10/2024 08:55

You need to tell him now that's not acceptable or that's the way it will continue. He needs to help with the baby more it's what he signed up for life doesn't continue on for him like that baby doesn't exist, are you meant to be completely sleep deprived so he can sleep and play golf ?

Overbythewaterfountain · 13/10/2024 08:57

I'll say it again: equal leisure time. With a newborn, especially a high needs baby, this may in practice mean that neither of you get much time to yourselves. Certainly not enough to play bloody golf! Two days running!? Can you go and stay with your mum for a bit? Your husband needs a short sharp shock. He's a poor husband and father and needs to buck up.

Deadhouseplant · 13/10/2024 08:57

Another man who thinks having children is a great idea until the baby arrives and then they view it as solely their wife’s/partner’s responsibility.
Im so sorry for you OP, I’m afraid if your DH doesn’t shape up now, he’ll never be an equal parenting partner. And when you go back to work he will happily expect you to do all the parenting and household jobs you do on Mat leave AND hold down a job.

Set your boundaries now.

GreatGardenstuff · 13/10/2024 08:59

Your DH is behaving like a vile, selfish dickhead. You need find out if it’s just bad behaviour he will change once he’s called out on it, or if that’s actually who he is.

If it’s who he is, then you need to start get your ducks in a row to get shot of him.

Bestfootforward11 · 13/10/2024 08:59

His behaviour is really not ok. He is being very selfish. You are both parents and should be working as a team. You must be exhausted and this childish behaviour can only be bringing you down. I think a direct conversation is needed and if he does not choose to change, you need to make your own choices about what you do next. This is a time you really need your husband and if he cannot step up now, it’s hard to see how he will change and dealing with the disappointment and resentment of this on a long term basis (as well as the fact of having to do everything solo) will be just so painful and draining. You deserve much better. Congratulations on your little one and I hope things get better for you x

Salacia · 13/10/2024 09:00

Ryeman · 13/10/2024 08:36

Your OH is a dufus, but I think some of the comments are a bit harsh. Men aren’t very good at picking up subtle signs - you need to tell him what you expect (before the birth would have been better but it’s not too late). He’s likely completely oblivious and has no idea that he’s not met the mark. As pp said it’s a big period of adjustment for both of you.

Subtle signs like the massive scar on her abdomen? Men who fail to notice that having a baby is difficult and that the need to actually parent are either incredibly stupid or incredibly selfish - neither of which is an attractive proposition.

Imisscoffee2021 · 13/10/2024 09:00

That's awful :( I was disappointed with our 2 week paternity leave but because it wasn't that golden newborn bubble and walks to coffee shops I imagined, I had an emergency section after a 4 day drawn out awful induction and barely remember those days, we were hunkered in barely surviving and before I knew it my husband was back at work. But he was there every day, all day, taking on all the housework, splitting the night with me , not complaining. We cried together, we had some tiffs because we were sleep deprived and our lives had changed but he was there. You need to have a serious talk with your husband before his weekends become filled with chores via the golf course. I hope he listens

Glittertwins · 13/10/2024 09:00

I think your DH needs a bit of a reality check, life does change after children as do priorities. I didn't see when he booked his golf weekend stuff - is there a possibility he did it before and didn't consider that things might just not go perfectly?
The maximum paternity DH could have was the two weeks so he had another 2 weeks lined up immediately afterwards which was the most holiday that could be taken in one chunk. I didn't have any problems nor C-sec but he wasn't about to vanish on me at any time.

ahemfem · 13/10/2024 09:00

He's giving paternity leave a bad rep

crumblingschools · 13/10/2024 09:00

@RevelryMum it’s parenting not helping, and that’s what OP needs to say to him, when are you going to become a parent?

urghhh47 · 13/10/2024 09:00

Golf next sat and sun - no...just no! What the hell is wrong with men!

Whyherewego · 13/10/2024 09:01

You need to sit down with him next time baby has a nap and have a frank conversation with him.
Ask him to draw up the list with you of all the things that need doing in the house every day. Cleaning, changing bedclothes, laundry, cooking, shopping etc.
Then draw up a list of what it takes to look after baby .. nappies, settling baby, feeding etc.
Then you can write down sleep, how much sleep you both need. He also adds work and hours he's at work.
Then both look at this list and any free time beyond these things is then spare for leisure time for tv, golf, gym, massage etc. For you both!
So I'd say as an example, if he's prepared to pull his weight during the week and come home from work and clean and do laundry etc so that he can have a few hours golf on a Sat morning. Fair enough. But you also get "you" time - even if all you want to do is just to take a bath and wash your hair.
The main point is there are 24 hours in a day. And all the list needs doing by someone !

Ladybug6757755 · 13/10/2024 09:01

I think you need to sit down and have a friendly chat with him about the expectations…. That you need help and support , emotionally and physically.

I’d speak to him about him helping with the nights at least when he’s off at the weekend, you also need to state that you would like an hour or so to yourself at the weekend (preferably right in the middle of the afternoon so it intrupts golf 🤣🤣)
He needs to bond with the baby, even if it’s just you go for a walk without the baby and he stays at home. Sooner he gets the bond the sooner he will be involved

cansu · 13/10/2024 09:03

Awful. I had the same experience years ago when my dd was born. I still remember how dreadful he was 19 years ago. It sounds like he thinks this is a holiday for him rather than a time to be bonding with his child and looking after both of you. Really sorry for you that he is so selfish.