Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

[Boymumtobe09]

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

These posts make me so sad, I had to fight my other half off to get a “go” of the baby when he wasn’t at work, it made it all such an amazing experience I wish everyone had that ☹️

Whilst she was likely awake for large portions of the night dealing with the baby on her own.

Totally unacceptable, he sounds a selfish man-baby. I hope you can both work it out.
Btw as we both worked long hours in the week we kept weekends free for our kids. Often went out Saturday night thanks to babysitter.
Husband gave up golf and I gave up tennis until youngest went off to uni - after all it’s impossible to do everything, life has to change to some degree after babies, we decided to put them first.

That’s actually such good advice - tell people about him, don’t cover for him.

My husband is quite honestly the best bloody dad ever but was completely AWFUL when both kids were first born. Just genuinely couldn’t handle the lack of sleep which I honestly found pathetic. First baby was hard and then he got better as he bonded and then second time it was the same but I recognised the pattern and so we made changes to how we played it. Absolutely no point you both being knackered so we tag teamed - I got my sleep early evening etc . I genuinely think looking back he had some kind of PND or whatever the male equivalent is.

so no you are not being unreasonable but it’s a massive change for you both - just make sure you keep discussing it and adjusting together - I do think it takes men longer to bond and feel like they have a practical use with the baby

Op you are not being unreasonable.

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant and married to a golfer who plays most weekends. I have made it very very clear that once the baby is born that golf no longer takes priority, yes I have no issue with him playing but it has to be worked around us.

His mother has already offered to keep the baby on saturday mornings for a few hours if he wants to play to give me some time to myself as she will probably only see baby about once a week due to work and distance but for the first few weeks I expect him to be to support me and baby.

He's being a shit Father and partner and ruining this experience for you. It would be easier on your own because you have no expectation. I am always surprised when men only have two weeks off. Can't they save up any more annual leave? The first two weeks he should be looking after you, cleaning up, and the baby should be his world. No way should he be playing golf. Lower your expectations of him from now on and I would consider splitting up.

Why? Do you require 24 hour care?

No but HIS BABY does.

The baby fucking well does and someone has to do it, why the fuck should it be the woman recovering from surgery doing the baby care 24 hours a day? What is even the point of husbands in your mind? Clearly nothing to do with the vows they made which were not to prioritise earning money and putting themselves first 24/7

Subtle signs? 😂

I wonder will he notice other subtle signs like his wife being turned off him completely or maybe divorce papers?

He's not oblivious, he might be pretending to be, but that's something completely different entirely.

To bond with HIS baby, maybe? That’s what paternity leave is for. Not golf.

You could be me 25 years ago. And I finally left him two years ago. Don’t be me. It doesn’t get better.
However I know how vulnerable you are. You need female company and support. Don’t cover for him. That’ll just enable him to continue to be a selfish prick. And don’t get pregnant again.
Sorry to be so brutal. You’ve seen him for what he really is.

This is true our son had colic and would cry for 6 hours straight sometimes so felt very much on my own day and night, mentally it was a lot.

OMG, I felt like we are in exactly the same situation. Indeed my husband did ‘what was told’ and I was tired of constantly telling him what to do. And when he did one thing of not being asked he felt like need to make a headline out of it. I somehow felt like my situation was worse haha your husband gone golf, mine gone almost a week to Las Vegas. Yes during the leave, he do the gardening and keep his area spotless but not everywhere else unless asked. Also guess what he only tries a few days wake up at night and same those days he will be extremely grumpy. So I would rather I stay up and he sleep so at least next day when I not enough sleep he is not grumpy. When I told his family he never wake up at night to help , he felt bad and tried but failed. He had always have good rest and could’ve believe he had been telling friends and family baby slept through the night when it’s completely not true / he is like living in the different world.

hows life now, now you are back at work? I am returning work too and I am a bit anxious about it on keeping the family together .

Men have a different experience becoming a father. Hopefully some of his golf friends will show him up a bit.

I am sorry you had surgery. That is more annoying. I was so disappointed in my husband and when I had health problems.

When you need to make decisions on how much help to get don’t ask his permission. Just do it. On line food shop. Cleaner. Postnatal Doula. Mothers help. Lactation consultant. If you want it get it. If he objects explain that you need the support of other women because he is not pulling his weight. Don’t argue about it. Just explain you need support.

If he spends money on golf you can spend money on help. If he doesn’t like other people in the home he can figure out if he wants to help more. I think the post natal doula would be great for you while you are recovering.

Women get it. Men have a different experience.

He thought having a child was going to be easy didn't he? He'll be "playing golf" more than ever now!

Ugh golfers. Can't believe he's not pulled his socks up to do what he can to make it easier for you, it's about teamwork. You've had major surgery, recovering and not sleeping either, doing the feeding. He's a shit person.

Depends on the whole situation though, surely? Mine did this with sleeping in the spare room and I encouraged him to so that he got a block of sleep in, and could then take our baby early so I got a block of sleep in before he left for work. Then he'd take our baby again and I'd get an early night at the other end of the day. Later on he'd sleep next to our baby in the spare room one night a week so I got a weekly night off too (just wheeled the crib through).

Yes, I utterly loathed doing night feeds but I couldn't see the point in both of us being woken up through the night.

Won't work if you're breastfeeding, but suggest he pops the baby in a sling and takes it with him to the golf! All that fresh air and bonding time. .

@Gwlondon my question when I see such stories is were the men like these before the baby? Because my husband would never do any of these. I am now pregnant and he has a work trip and he is telling me how he doesn’t want to be far from me. He is considerate , making lists for baby items , planning to use days off in addition to his 2 weeks paternity to spend more time with me and baby even though he is working from home. He bought a thermometer for the bath the other day so I can enjoy bath with piece of mind that temperature is correct. I mean were these dads with the stories of behaving badly after the baby comes considerate before or they were always shit but then no real problems so that is why the woman was accepting it?

@Sofita90 I think they were always like that, but before you have kids it doesn’t matter too much. I don’t think everyone should get divorced though. I think you just need to manage the situation.

Hence spend money on help. And explain that you need it.

If it makes him less grumpy I say let him play. It’s not likely he’s going to live up to your expectations. Good luck and congratulations on your new addition.

I can't speak for the OP, but was always a very healthy person before having a baby, except for a couple of broken bones and even those didn't slow me down/mean I needed much help. So a lot of women don't know what their husbands are actually going to be like when they have severe morning sickness, a really painful drawn out labour, are recovering from a major operationwith stitches while trying to look after a tiny baby - until that actually happens. Of course, a lot of women also don't know what they are going to be like with a tiny baby either. But while child neglect/abandonment happens, the amount of women who have a baby and think "this is too difficult I can't be bothered to look after it" is miniscule compared to the number of men who think "this is too difficult. I am going to play golf."
But you can't know. And how good they are at holding their friends baby/rescuing baby birds etc isn't a perfect indication because those things take seconds not months.

Won't work even if she's bottle feeding as her Dh isn't stepping up to his fatherly duties. If he was op wouldn't have been posting.