Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

[Boymumtobe09]

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

He sounds hopeless at the moment but you have to work with what you’ve got. I would get him a book for new dads and demand he read it.

Well you know what thought did.

You know this is not ok.

YANBU. Tell him he’s not being reasonable and it’s unacceptable for him to be going off to play golf leaving you to it. Sleep deprivation is a real pain, and something that could impact you if he doesn’t pull his weight. I personally don’t do well sleep deprived nor can I sleep on command. Where as my husband can so he did the night shift until baby slept through the night. Your husband needs to be told to pull his weight.

There's an active thread over on the parenting board that will perfectly encapsulate your life as a mum to a young child if he doesn't sort his behavior out.
Its another day, another shit excuse for a husband on mumsnet. And it's fucking depressing.

Oh, and you are absofuckinglutely NBU.
Throwing the towel in 5 days after your partner has given birth is... I can't think of a word strong enough tbh.

I think you need to spell it out to him and communicate. My DP did go out a few times in the early days/weeks with both DD’s for a stag do, then wedding and another stag do. Each time we discussed it, he had his mum on standby, deep cleaned the house before he went and stocked me up on dinner and snacks. If I’d been unhappy he wouldn’t have gone, as it was I didn’t mind and enjoyed some one on one time with the baby. The key difference here is the communication - he simply cannot fuck off as and when he likes anymore.

Just talk to him - he’s behaving like a selfish arse, communicating will either confirm this or the penny will start to drop. Either way, you’ll know where you stand with his behaviour going forward!

Who raises these lazy, dumb mollycoddled losers?

He's already booked himself in for a full weekend of golf, he'll be back at work and he knows you are doing this alone and is ok with that. He is telling you that he does not expect his lifestyle to change now that you have a dc, and you will need to spell it out to him that this isn't ok.
What I will advise based on my experience is to try not to let this disappointment spoil these early days. You have your mum there to help, so rest and spend as much time in bed with your baby as you can. Try to relax and focus on you.

Fucking golf! Absolute prick.

What a prick! He's on paternity leave, not a bloody jolly!
Oh and golf both days next weekend? I don't think so! Time to sit him down and remind him he's created a baby that needs looking after.

No. YANBU. Honestly I think have a serious talk with him about expectations before he goes back- if he’s working this will get worse.

I imagine he’ll be expecting you to do absolutely everything now, and that’s not sustainable. I’d be saying that if you’re doing night wake ups during the week you expect him to look after baby between say 7-11pm weekdays, you need one night on the weekend in the spare room only waking to feed (not settle/ change), one good lie in on the weekend and a couple of hours to go for a coffee/ swim/ nap.

He gets the same- one lie in on the weekend, weekday nights from 11pm and a couple of hours on the weekend to himself to do a hobby or whatever.

Basically your mat leave should mean that your “job” is to look after the baby between 9-6, to facilitate his work. Childcare after that is shared- it does not mean you’re an unpaid slave.

You share house admin/ cooking etc or you agree to pay.

If his golf/ gym/ Xbox/ whatever doesn’t fit with this then it stops for a few years.

You need to get tough, or your mat leave will end with you exhausted and full of resentment.

You need to communicate with him OP.
Honestly, how did the conversation go when he said about the golf? Was it along the lines of:
“I’ve booked golf for Friday”
“Oh, okay, right well I guess I’ll see if my mum can come over for a bit” (secretly thinking WTF is this normal? I thought he’d want to be at home with us!)
Because, genuinely, if that had been me, the conversation would go:
“I’ve booked golf for Friday”
“Haha! I don’t bloody think so chum - nice try!”
“Well… yes, I - I need some”
“Oh! Sure! Yes you go and play golf with your buddies all day while I stay here myself looking after our 12 day old baby, struggling to recover from abdominal surgery on about two hours sleep, that sounds like a great and sensible idea 🤨
Get a grip. No. Not happening mate.”

Absolutely lay down your boundaries now. Firmly.
Or it will only get worse.

LTB

He's only going to get worse.

You are a single parent.

I suspect that quite a high proportion of men are ambivalent at best about having children and the entire enterprise is driven by their partners.

This is the future now OP.

Unless he was 101% in every other respect, I would be gone.

You are always going to be trying to drag stuff out of him that he is not prepared to give and be expected to service his needs into the bargain. Sod that.

I have been really ill several times and I mean really ill. Each time, my DH has taken over every single thing including washing me, washing my hair and clearing up my shit. In return, when he has been really ill with cancer on three occasions now, I have nursed him including sitting up and watching over him 24 hours, post surgery. He is really ill again currently but he knows I will attend to his every need and so is less fearful. This is part of the marriage contract but we love each other so would have done it anyway. He is a real man and a real human being.

He sounds like an absolute wanker and clearly he's just seen this as 2 weeks off work rather than 2 weeks to support you and your little family

I'd be giving him hell, as would my mum

I'll be completely honest. With our first child I didn't realise how different life would be post birth. I'd come home from work to a knackered wife, a grumpy baby and usually all the washing still to be done. However the difference is that at no point would I decide to do an activity just for me. You need to tell him how it is. That life is about the family now. If he doesn't get it, he will regret it.

Absolutely not on. Did he want children? If yes, then his life needs to go on hold for the foreseeable. This is Absolutely non negotiable. Why should your life be turned upside down and his not. You need to stand your ground as this will be your life for the next 15 years + until the children are more independent. You are a team and you need to deal with this together.

If on the off chance you really wanted a baby and he didn't but supported you in your decision. It's a tricky one if he only agreed if you did the lion's share. However, he absolutely needs to support you until you are stronger.

Your OH is a dufus, but I think some of the comments are a bit harsh. Men aren’t very good at picking up subtle signs - you need to tell him what you expect (before the birth would have been better but it’s not too late). He’s likely completely oblivious and has no idea that he’s not met the mark. As pp said it’s a big period of adjustment for both of you.

Sounds as if he thinks paternity leave is really annual leave and he can spend time doing what he wants. He needs to realise real quick that his life has now changed and his baby now comes first ...

What kind of person abandons the mother of his child who just had major abdominal surgery to get the child safely born…to fuck off to the golf course?

He needs to be firmly told that 1) he needs to support your recovery (with him being told to step up… the basic adulting of doing some laundry/housework/cooking being completed as guess what you are both tired but he’s not the one who just had surgery) and 2) that in a partnership, things are SHARED - that includes both the division of leisure time which he is currently hogging, and the division of childcare and other domestic tasks.

talk to your parents and his parents about what’s happening in your household. Talk to friends too. You are not going to allow this poor behaviour of his to continue.

as others have said, do not have DC2 with this man. Make sure you have effective contraception.

Take the baby out of the equation for a second.

AIBU I have had major abdominal surgery, my husband took two weeks of work but didn't look after me.

That is bad enough.

Add in a new born and this is off the scale you are not being unreasonable. The whole point of paternity leave is to help you with the baby.

Not picking up on subtle signs? What is subtle about his wife recovering from major surgery and having a newborn to look after? Anyone not knowing what they should be doing to support in these circumstances is a selfish prick or doesn't have two brain cells to keep eachother company

Being a man is not an excuse

He needs to adjust his priorities. My husband and I haven't had proper hobbies since kids arrived (and they're 9, 6 and 1 years old!). Weekends are spent going to various kid's clubs/hobbies, kid's parties, and family days out. So for example today my husband has just left to take 1 year old to his little football class, then when they're home we're all going pumpkin picking at a family farm. You're starting on really shaky ground, he needs to sort himself out or your marriage sadly will not be a happy one.

I think there’s 2 issues to deal with really.

1. The golf- there’s absolutely a time and place for hobbies when you have children, but the first few weeks postpartum are really not it unless you have said you’re happy with that. I was happy for my husband to go to the gym for an hour a few times a week the first few weeks because I know how much it helps his mood and in return he’d then come home and give me an hour to have a bath/watch tv/read a book/close my eyes. It’s something to discuss and agree between you, it’s not necessarily all or nothing but it’s a “lets see if we can find a way to make this work for everyone”.

2. The tiredness & no family time. I honestly think the 2 weeks paternity leave is partly to blame here. My husband had 4 weeks off when our baby was born and the first 2 weeks are a blur of exhaustion, bleeding, cracked nipples, crying, tiredness and watching lots of TV in a messy house, those weeks were pure survival mode. Leaving the house while she was 2 weeks old felt so stressful and scary, it wasn’t enjoyable for anyone! However I would say that by week 3/4 we were both more comfortable with this and had some lovely trips out for a coffee or to wander the shops, I was more recovered, we were both getting slightly more sleep, we had adjusted better by then to being new parents so it all felt easier.

For the tiredness, we agreed from day 1 nobody would complain about tiredness and we still do this now 6 months down the line. We were both tired, we are both tired, but complaining about tiredness leads to competitive tiredness and arguments, “you can’t be tired because I did the 2am wake up so I’m more tired than you” and “no I’m more tired because I did the 4am and then she didn’t settle for 2 hours so I’M more tired”. It’s not productive, doesn’t make anyone feel good and gets nowhere fast.

I do think the golf is a bit thoughtless from him, maybe you need to sit down together and have a chat about how life needs to look post-baby. It may be that he’s just a bit unsure how to navigate/doesn’t realise, obviously he may just be an arsehole but the first couple weeks are rough for everyone and an open honest chat might be just enough to get you both on the same page.