Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

[Boymumtobe09]

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

Ironically my husband wanted to have children a few years ago and it was me that wasn’t ready !!!

Ive tried to raise the issue of golf but he gets so defensive about it, then it ends in an argument.

When he’s back I’m going to try and have conversation about it - and also just start telling him what needs doing. I’ve tried not to come across as nagging but he clearly needs a lot of direction

Wow just wow. You've had a C section on top of it all and this is what he is doing. Thats bot considerate or caring at all not at all kind. He doesn't sound like he care for your or the baby. Wow.

When we had DS1 my DH was there at my "bec n call" and did everything needed as i was nursing and getting used to breast feeding and that took so long to eatablish and be comfortable. He would do nappy changes and settling to sleep as nursing is exhausting the first 3 weeks it was so draining. I was also severely anemic he took good care of us both.
So I could not imagine him being different to this and accepting such awful treatment like you have mentioned. Wow. So sorry. Was he like this pre baby? Did you know him long pre baby?

100% my DH needs direction when it comes ro household things but he willingly does it. And never complains.

You won’t be able to get him to change. He’s a deadweight round your neck.So you either accept a life with a lazy sexist or make a life without him.

We had a similar thing. It took about a year to sort. 8 years down the line, he‘s a great father.My expectation is he can do everything for DS that I do, including mental load. And he did a great job when I had a 3-week hospital stay a while back.

I insisted we alternated nights sleeping in baby’s room. I either pumped milk in advance (it freezes) or we bought Hipp pre milk (also good for older babies).

I took a half day off every weekend and went out. Would rather have been at home, but he had to learn what needed doing.

I insisted he worked from home 1 day a week.

We did an infant care course together during pregnancy.

What really helped later on was comparing his schedule to mine and showing him I had almost no ‘time off’ (he didn’t play golf, but did do marathon training).

What also helped was doing a baby sensory workshop. It turned out part of the problem was ‘he didn’t know what to do with the baby and the baby couldn’t tell him’.

He was also scared of change, so didn’t change until he couldn’t avoid it (life doesn’t change for the man unless he wants it too. Mums don’t have a choice).

He needs to adjust to his new responsibility. He is a dad, his life has changed, he can't do what he used to do!

This country needs some parenting classes at school or during pregnancy. He is probably doing what he thinks is normal when the reality is he is being a selfish twat trying to continue life as it was before he became a father.

What a dickhead. I am on the same kind of timeline as you - 12 days after c section birth of our baby - and my partner has been really attentive. He has also moved into the spare room but he's with us pretty constantly for the rest of the time. He's cooked and baked for us, done all the school runs for our eldest and most of the rest of her care, vacuumed and tidied, looked after baby so I can sleep in the day, and done all the shopping.

For balance, he's also had time to tinker with his bike, play his usual weekly football game, and have a few daytime naps and baths while baby sleeps or I feed her. Your DH doesn't have to be a total martyr, there's time for relaxation, but that should come after meeting the immediate needs of the day, including those of a wife who recently had major surgery.

All this to say you are NOT being unreasonable, your DH has really let you down here. You just had an operation in which they cut an 8-inch incision through 7 layers of your abdomen and now you have to care for a newborn while trying to recover. I think sometimes this really gets glossed over, the recovery from c section is no joke. Perhaps he doesn't realise how significant this is but he ought to. At my midwife appointment the other day she really stressed that we wouldn't expect this much of anyone after any other kind of surgery, and I'm glad my partner was there to hear it - I needed to hear it too. Any chance you will be in a position to have a professional say this so he can hear it? Do you have a midwife appt or health visitor coming up? He needs to shape up. It's not just a sign of what kind of dad he'll be, he's also setting you back in terms of entering motherhood on the best foot. You need to protect your physical and mental health at this vulnerable time and he's not helping with that.

You need to sit him down and have a proper conversation immediately. He needs to sit there and listen, no nice person would leave their recovering wife and newborn baby to go off and play golf. He needs to get his priorities straight and if he gets defensive then I’d threaten to leave. Do NOT allow this behaviour xx.

Exactly right

And ultimately , should you decide to walk, he'll have to sort DC out for himself and pay CM too

That fact might focus his silly little mind 🙄

I would tell him that he’s rapidly losing your respect and you are very disappointed in him. He needs to think how he is going to rectify that. Paternity leave isn’t an opportunity to play non-stop golf. Its purpose is to support your post-partum wife and to bond with your new child, he has done neither.

Don’t fall for the “nagging trope”, he is a husband and father now who should be contributing to family life.

What a piece of shit. My husband did everything during my recovery. He was a sleep deprived zombie but he sucked it up and got on with it. You need to put your foot down NOW, go NUCLEAR - and lay down the law, or he’s going to think this is acceptable and walk over you for the rest of your days and make your life a misery.

It doesn’t matter.
His dwife just had major abdominal surgery. He should be there to support her.
Eg to do the washing, cleaning in the house. The shopping. All the things that are physically hard work or she can’t do (and won’t for at least another 4 weeks).

Plus he has just become a father. And you know what? Yes his life has changed too!!

Nagging is the word men use when they’re told what they should be doing wo a prompt but aren’t.
Like doing some HW, supporting your wife etc….

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

he clearly doesn't see Paternity Leave as anything more than two weeks off work, a bit of dabbling at being a father, but not without eternal whinging and feeling hard done-by, and rewarding himself for being Dad of the Year by having a few rounds of golf.

Nice. Not.

in summary he has had the choice of how much being a father has changed his charmed existence, not much, and he's decided that he can just slope off back to work and have a rest.

Write a diary everyday op.
Just a few lines when you have a minute.
What you’ve done, where he is and how you feel.
Then if your dh ever suggests a second dc read it first.

Absolutely agree with the he’s failed you comments. But unfortunately he won’t decide to change himself.

We had similar issues (not the golf but the proactiveness not being there). I wrote a list of absolutely everything. Daily tasks like washing, shopping, baby bags, what goes in them etc - basically anything that was on my mental load. Wrote them all down and said here’s what needs done daily, weekly and monthly and you need to be proactively doing them. We’ve a memo board and it’s working so far. I hope he wises up for you.

Time to start planning the divorce. It's not too early.

You can't compete with the other love in his life.

What a twunt.

I'd be pointing out to him how selfish he's being and that he needs to step up. Make a list of all the things that need doing on a daily basis so he can't feign ignorance. Good you have your mum around, rely on her as much as possible as well as any other friends and family.

Forget about him for a while and enjoy your baby too.

@Boymumtobe09 im afraid I agree that you REALLY need a discussion about his behaviour.
You need to tell him how he made you feel by not being there or booking those full weekends or golf. You need to tell him the impact it has on you.

And yes maybe you’ll need to tell him what needs doing. Even though you shouldn’t need to.

But the bottom line is that he is the one to chose.
And he might well chose that your well-being isn’t top of his priority list.
I wouldn’t say LTB just now. It’s miles too early abd you both need to adjust to a new life. But please don’t let it become ‘The Norm’ and sweep it under the carpet.

One of the biggest numbers men have ever pulled on women is the fear of being a “nag”. Op, you’ve just had 9 months of pregnancy followed by major abdominal surgery in the pursuit of having his baby - if there’s any arguing or sulking when you ask him to pull his weight while you’re recuperating, it’s him whose at fault, not you.
Good luck and congratulations on your lovely baby.

Congrats on your new baby

It certainly doesn't seem great that your DH is not looking after you, your baby or the house during his paternity leave.
But it is a big adjustment phase so give him some chance to change before you write him off.

That means..
A serious conversation now about golf, priorities and downtime

Your mum to stay away / not doing any cleaning, cooking etc so he can't assume she'll be there to do anything that's needed

Agree a routine for when he's back to work - eg you'll have a shower before he leaves so you're up and dressed, he'll make you a tea in thermos before he leaves, he'll call as he leaves work to check if he should pick up anything from the shops on way home

When you're both in the house you to hold firm boundaries and not tolerate being the default everything 24/7. Ask him as things need to be done (don't explain in advance you'll be using this strategy) would he rather cook dinner just now or bath baby? Hang out washing or sort the recycling? Make it clear there are multiple jobs to be done and you'll only be doing half of them.

It isnt irony. He was ready for children because he didnt expect his life to change at all. He expected yours to change dramatically.

TBF the time to have discussed this was before you conceived. As he’s always been a golfer you must have always been spending large amounts of time alone on the weekend. A little unrealistic to have imagined he was going to change that without any discussion.

you’d better have the chat now and see what he says. But if it’s not a definite I’m sorry, I didn’t think that through and of course I will cut back and support you more, then you have a choice to make.

@ComingBackHome it does matter how much golf he played before? So the weekend is usually when most working couples get household chores done, so if OP was the one cleaning, doing laundry and cooking whilst DH was swanning round the golf course it is probably very likely that attitude wouldn’t change once baby was on the scene. If both parties in the couple split chores evenly and had the same amount of leisure time then you would hope that would continue, together with both parenting equally when both at home, once baby arrives on the scene

It's in his golfing interests to avoid a separation, where his spare time will be spent parenting, alone.
Get the mixed feeding going, to show you mean business.
OP my similar ex picked me up from the hospital after my section in a two seater van. I was rolling around, hanging on in the back. Things never really improved from there!