Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

[Boymumtobe09]

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

My DH took as much leave as possible int he first 3 months of our son’s life. He worked 12 days in that time. He did the majority of cooking cleaning in those 3 months and did everything he could to give me downtime. We talked a lot about our expectations of each other would be when baby was born.

It sounds like your husband expected his life not to change at all, which is entirely unreasonable.

Too lazy for cycling?

Congrats on your new baby OP x

He's a lazy bastard.

You need to make your needs and his responsibilities clear, unambiguous and unapologetically.

It’s your relationship and for you to help him change. Slightly rash to leave him because he played golf whilst on paternity leave. Lovely to have your mum to help, but did that offer the opportunity for him to escape to the golf club? You need to nip this in the bud now. Dealing with a new baby is a very sharp learning curve and he’ll be way behind before you know it. Take the advice from @Bestyearever2024

Yes it sounds as though he is expecting his life to go on unchanged while you shoulder all the responsibility of actually being the parent to your lovely new baby.

You really do need to have the discussion about how now he has a baby and a wife trying to recover from giving birth to his child he has to change the focus of his life.
Totally sad that he can't see this for himself and it doesn't bode well for the future. And if he really isn't interested in being an involved, committed partner and husband you would be better off without him.

What an absolute prick OP.

I know you're exhausted and probably don't have the energy for a row, but time for a conversation with him about what he thinks life is going to look like now.

As everyone has said:

• equal leisure time (if he won't agree to this, keep asking why not)
• during his working hours, the baby is your job. Outside of that, you have equal responsibility for the baby and the house.
• he doesn't get to cop out of the overnights just because he's working. Neither of mine were sleeping when I went back and I managed to do my job.

Shared parental leave is a great idea. DH took a month each time I went back to work and it resets things a bit. You might need more than a month.

Every time he is a lazy prick during your maternity leave, remind him you'll be doing the same during his SPL.

Don't let him pull the "the baby only settles for you" crap. You're both parents, so if the baby will only settle for you then that means he needs more practice. (Aside from breastfeeding obviously!)

I wouldn't expect you to both be doing night waking, it's silly to both be tired. But the benefit of that is that he takes the baby in the day so you can sleep. He does the chores so you can focus on the baby's needs. Men do feel a bit "useless" with a newborn (because babies want their mummies) but going to golf isn't on.

So bloody selfish. It is hard enough looking after a new baby without having a needy man moaning about not getting enough sleep. Time to start putting yourself and the baby first. Leave him to do his own washing and cooking. Maybe take yourself off to stay with your mum for a while. Take care of yourself.

What a prick. He’s used his Paternity leave like bloody annual leave. I think I would be tempted to take the “Leave” part of “Maternity Leave” literally.

Another selfish man whose life won’t change at all after becoming a parent.
I had one of these OP, it didn’t get better, and every time I tried to address it he would make me feel like I was unreasonable. I left and have never regretted it.

He sounds like a selfish twat.

This is why men should not be able to share maternity leave, inagine months of this Thankfully it wasn't a thing 18 years ago. Two weeks of ex husband lazing round was more than enough.

Have you actually communicated with him and told him that what he’s doing is unacceptable due to the fact your baby was born TWO weeks ago!

Unfortunately op you viewed your child as something you were doing together, as a team. And parenting would be together, as a team.

He saw it as YOU were having baby. Just you. He had no intention of changing his life. He doesn’t see you as a team.

Sit him down and lay it out ASAP. BOTH of your lives have changed. It is extremely unfair for him to resume his pre baby lifestyle and leave you with the baby and no relief. You both need equal downtime to be the best parents you can be. How does he think that will look? He needs to be hands on with baby ASAP so that he can manage on your off days.

Wow OP he sounds a complete dick.

It's time that neither of you will get back. As others have said it's not a very good indicator as to how the childhood years are going to go with this man, so very selfish.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to have expected more

Absolutely this
Set your expectations now to avoid years of that shit

congratulations on your baby.

re DH. been there, done that. It doesn't get better! your child is not even 2 weeks old, you had a major surgery on top... he has made it clear what his priorities are :(

either accept that the baby will be your responsibility moving forward whilst he carries on with the life as he knows it... or make plans to move on (out) yourself. What a utter arsehole.

ODFOD.

Do not be a martyr and sort this out now urgently. I would ask him to miss the golf and sit down and have a serious talk about how things are going to be.

You are recovering from a serious operation so your body needs to heal. He is just acting like a spoiled child.

If you don’t get anywhere book in some couple counselling as if this carries on, the resentment and the pattern of him being lazy will not change. This could be the start of the end of your marriage so it needs to change and he needs a wake up call.

You should talk to him, you'd hope he realised that playing golf both weekend days with a very young baby and a partner who needs support is selfish and disgusting, but benefit of the doubt maybe he's ignorant and will realise he's being a terrible father and even worse partner. If he played a lot before then sure, sustaining hobbies is good for both parents, but not so soon and so often- things change when you have a child and compromises to be made.

If he doesn't, then you know where you and baby stand and can decide what you want to do.

It’s always golfers and cyclists.

My friend’s dh was shocked when she left him. I’m sure his fellow golfers were shocked too.

You need to talk to him now as if things remain the same this will be it for the next 18 years. You will be the one doing everything.

When we had our first baby my husband would come home from work, take the baby so I could go for a quiet bath and then he'd cook us tea. I was breastfeeding so did most of the bedtime/ night stuff but he would do the house work while I was in bed in the evening. We worked as a team and discussed what would make things easier.

If he doesn't listen and stays as he is you'll be the default parent for everything. When you return to work you'll be responsible for the sick days, the nursery/ school run and everything else. The equality needs to start now.

If he refuses to work as a team with you and do his share of parenting and housework then you should consider if that's who you want to spend your life with. Your spouse is supposed to love you and be there for you, not just use you as an unpaid skivvy.

This. It's the only way to survive.

If he needs this pointing out to him but sees the fairness of it, he's a bit of a useless arse but potentially redeemable.

If he pushes back on this, it's not going to work and you'll ultimately have an easier time alone without him dragging you down and into resentment. Be very open with everyone in your life about the train is over. He should be shamed.

You should talk to him, you'd hope he realised that playing golf both weekend days with a very young baby and a partner who needs support is selfish and disgusting

trust me. he knows exactly what he is doing!