Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

[Boymumtobe09]

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

Was he as keen to have a family as much as you were?

You need to nip this in the bud before it becomes a habit every weekend. Talk to him about how you need time to yourself to and that it's his child too and he needs to spend good quality time bonding with the baby. I had a similar situation years ago when I was a young mother and my DH though it was ok to go drinking regularly with work buddies and leave me at home. Had to put a stop to it.

Yes I absolutely have no qualms about being labelled a nag. If he doesn’t like it he can find someone else to put up with him, good luck with that! Plus if he’s to stupid/ work blind to see that the recycling needs taking out/ the baby needs a bath/ the loo roll needs changing then he should be THANKING me for pointing them out (actually my DH is pretty good now!).

One other thing, this is basically not a great sign and you’ll likely be on shaky ground for a while unless he pulls his socks up. Yes as others have said, you might have to split up. Do not under any circumstances give your job up and/ or agree to more children unless things change.

I wouldn’t bother with a conversation with him. You’re on a hiding to nothing. You can’t make a selfish person not be selfish. Better to be alone or with someone kind.

Well that’s kind of irrelevant now, as baby is already here, didn’t you read the OP? There is no mention of an immaculate conception and @Boymumtobe09 is clear that he’s the father. So he decided to make a baby and it’s here now so he just needs to get on with it.

Its not like Marks and Spencer, where you can return an item and get your money back just because you’ve changed your mind.

Are you blaming women for some men being useless?

And so it begins. Put your foot down op or golf will always be a bug bear

My DP was like this except he went to the spare room on the first night we were home as I couldn’t bear listening to him moan about lack of sleep!! You need to nip it in the bud as soon as possible and agree what’s fair / acceptable. Yes he should still be able to play golf (and you should get back to your hobbies as soon as you’re ready) but he also needs to be present and helping at home more now you have a baby.

Honestly give him a stern talking to and see if things improve. In my experience men just don’t see any of the work that needs to be done and need to be told to do absolutely everything. Not ideal as it means you’re having to ‘manage’ him as well as your baby but if he isn’t proactive then there isn’t much choice.

I'd argue the opposite. This is exacly why men should take (more) parental leave, but not just at a time when the mother is also on leave.

Three of my male colleagues have been on parental leave this last year. In each case the mother took 6 months leave first, and then the dad took 6 months. As a result they all know what it's like to look after a baby on their own for 40 hours a week.

His whole paternity leave should have been focussed on you and the baby, that's what it's for.
A good man wouldn't need to be told that.
There is no excuse.

Why should women have to “nip it in the bud”. That involves a hard slog of re-inforcing ground-rules as if he is a child, all the while in the knowledge he’ll sulk and fight you. Setting ground rules and getting him to stick by them is to my mind yet more WIFEWORK. Just get rid.

Bullshit. He may have gone back to golfing afterwards (though a non-wanker would cut down) but paternity leave is for him to bond with the baby and support his wife's recovery.

I mean you are both exhausted, it’s normal to fight. Most couples have a shock to them when new baby arrives. Did he educate himself about newborns? If not, can you sit down and have a word, asking him to read a book or podcast in the 4th trimester as it will likely help him develop some coping skills.

Do not do any housework for the next two weeks and do not cook any meals for him either. Let the laundry and dishes mount up and let him see what happens when he loses his live in housekeeper!

Men that complain about wives nagging them need the short sharp shock treatment.

Golf Saturday and Sunday when your baby is 3 weeks old and he’s back at work? Tell him you’re both parents and he parents 50% of non working time just like you and how incredibly glad you are you didn’t listen to him when he said he wanted a baby years ago as clearly that was all words and the last thing he wants is an actual baby. Who needs care and love 24/7.

Sadly sometimes you don’t really know a person until you have a baby with them. Thank goodness you’ve got a supportive and helpful mum. If you think about it, before you had children did the relationship work because you both did your own thing and didn’t have anyone else to consider? While you seem to have accepted life has changed now, he hasn’t. He needs some help understanding that. What did you used to do when he played golf? Make sure you match every day he goes and does something on his own like golf with a day doing something you enjoy on your own too. It’s the only way he’ll appreciate what it’s like to be left alone with a small baby on your own.

Obviously YANBU!
My husband was helpful when on pat leave but wanted to get back to work. Especially as our babies both breastfed he felt like there wasn't much he could do, but he did some cooking and cleaning at least. With the second he made the joke "see you when your 6 months".
He is much better with older babies/ toddlers and now preschoolers than he is with newborns.

This. His behaviour is appalling.

Men like this either don’t see clutter so don’t care or start to get annoyed and have a go at the woman for not dealing with it. In my experience, they don’t magically learn their lesson when a woman downs tools.

@HotMummaSummer he could have done all cooking and cleaning. I breastfed but that didn’t stop DH not being able to do anything on paternity leave. Bathing DC was his time for bonding, nappy changes. Holding baby whilst I caught up on sleeping. Doing all the cooking etc

I sometimes think many men just feel everything should continue as before! He needs a good talk, and to realise that these early days of parenting are very hard.Some men adapt quickly and all is well.Some dont and find it hard.You are recovering from birth and need help .Impress on him that you need him ,and want him to be with you and baby and enjoy your time out.Just a quick coffee for maybe an hour or so, and then he can play golf another day .I think as you get into a routine then things should settle .

There’s a quote in a book I love where a character admits that whenever he hears a man with kids talking about playing golf he privately thinks “Well done for abandoning your family”

(See also CrossFit and cycling)

That's it, they probably don't, in reality.

My OH didn't take 1 day off with either our dc and left me to do all the night feeds from day 1. Then he went away on holiday 3 weeks after dc2 was born. Good times....

It’s your maternity leave so use it as such.

In this instance I would be putting everything into the baby. Don’t cook for him, do his washing or anything that he gets the benefit from.

Just focus on you and your baby.

Get at much help as you can from family and friends and do make them aware of how he’s behaving. If this means getting someone else to stay with you to help out occasionally do it. If it means you go and stay with family/friends who can help, then do it.

Leave selfish prick husband to fend for himself.

You have had major abdominal surgery and newborns can need a lot of care. The fact he’s prioritising his own leisure time tells you what a useless POS he is.

I am sorry you’re in the is situation.