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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

308 replies

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:25

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

OP posts:
Sofita90 · 16/10/2024 10:26

biscuitandcake · 16/10/2024 06:36

I can't speak for the OP, but was always a very healthy person before having a baby, except for a couple of broken bones and even those didn't slow me down/mean I needed much help. So a lot of women don't know what their husbands are actually going to be like when they have severe morning sickness, a really painful drawn out labour, are recovering from a major operationwith stitches while trying to look after a tiny baby - until that actually happens. Of course, a lot of women also don't know what they are going to be like with a tiny baby either. But while child neglect/abandonment happens, the amount of women who have a baby and think "this is too difficult I can't be bothered to look after it" is miniscule compared to the number of men who think "this is too difficult. I am going to play golf."
But you can't know. And how good they are at holding their friends baby/rescuing baby birds etc isn't a perfect indication because those things take seconds not months.

Edited
Show quote history

I understand what you say. That you were never tested like this before. But you are telling me that a loving , caring and considerate person that doesn’t prioritise his own comfort over his partner’s in every day life can turn like an awful father and partner to his wife because he is put in a difficult situation ? No red flags or signs that this person is selfish or that is not as caring and considerate? If this is the case is too scary, I always thought there are some indications but people think the best and hope their partner will help when there is need.

biscuitandcake · 16/10/2024 12:07

Sofita90 · 16/10/2024 10:26

I understand what you say. That you were never tested like this before. But you are telling me that a loving , caring and considerate person that doesn’t prioritise his own comfort over his partner’s in every day life can turn like an awful father and partner to his wife because he is put in a difficult situation ? No red flags or signs that this person is selfish or that is not as caring and considerate? If this is the case is too scary, I always thought there are some indications but people think the best and hope their partner will help when there is need.

Show quote history

I think having a child is so different to anything else. I am not a patient person, I can do nurturing on a small scale but I found babysitting a friends toddler for 4 hours absolutely exhausting. When I had a baby though, I was able to just completely put my needs to one side in such a complete way. But there wasn't anything in my behaviour that would have told you that beforehand I am not a terrible person, but I was never particularly selfless. I think women who worry about this before they have children are told "you will just find you can do it" and this is normally true. However, they are also told, or its assumed that their partner will also become less selfish - and clearly this does not always happen!

I know that that's where the idea of women consciously or unsconciously "testing" their partner before they become serious comes in. Maybe that's what quests are for. But I don't think even "go and kill a dragon" requires the same daily care for another persons needs (yours and your partners) that each person in a couple needs to successfully take care of a baby.

Women are essentially hostage to their biology more than men are - it seems much much harder for them to switch of their babies needs and walk away from them even if they desperately want to. Which is a good thing because if both parents sodded of to play golf, the baby would die and we wouldn't have survived as a species. Its hugely unfair though - and why it good women have more control over their fertility than in the past. But there is another thread about falling birthrates on here, and elsewhere on t'internet many men puzzling over women's seeming reluctance to become broodmares (when really having 15 children is what gives women real purpose in life etc etc). Well, what do they expect???

Biscuits247 · 25/10/2024 19:44

It's why I always say when asked by dates would I like to be a mum. I say, no but I'd like to be an average dad. Have a crazy little mini me running around that I can occasionally hang out with and watch grow into an incredible person with barely any of my effort put into achieving that.

And if I find the little I'm expected by society to do is too much of an effort, I can just walk away and see them when they're not feral anymore. Maybe have some cool days out with them along the way.

susiedaisy1912 · 31/10/2024 07:24

How are things now op ?

minipie · 31/10/2024 19:31

Biscuits247 · 25/10/2024 19:44

It's why I always say when asked by dates would I like to be a mum. I say, no but I'd like to be an average dad. Have a crazy little mini me running around that I can occasionally hang out with and watch grow into an incredible person with barely any of my effort put into achieving that.

And if I find the little I'm expected by society to do is too much of an effort, I can just walk away and see them when they're not feral anymore. Maybe have some cool days out with them along the way.

God yes.

nildesparandum · 31/10/2024 19:51

If I told you about the "help" I got from DH after having both of our children who were each born by emergency caesarean you would not believe me.

GivingitToGod · 31/10/2024 20:10

Good advice. This needs to be addressed ASAP. Parenthood changes the dynamics of a relationship and your husband needs to adapt to the changes in order for your relationship to survive. He should have been more involved and supportive and his behaviour is selfish and inconsiderate . I don't want to be a pessimist but it is worrying that your husband has been so disengaged. I really hope that he will change his mindset . Otherwise, I foresee major problems ahead. You need love and support right now

V0xPopuli · 31/10/2024 20:26

I wouldn't put up with that shit.

Tbh - warning signs were there. Men who devote huge amounts of time to obsession driven hobbies (whether thats golf, football, the gym, cycling) rarely make good fathers.

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