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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby burnt by hot tea

219 replies

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:14

awful day, had to to take our baby to A&E after a cup hot tea was spilt over baby.

I was upstairs and DH was looking after baby (holding baby and holding cup of tea). Baby was very brave and has been bandaged by medics and will be mostly okay.
At the time he came to tell me holding out bright red baby I was furious and called him an idiot at least 4 times and angrily said what were you thinking.
i realise it was an accident and ive said sorry to DH a number of times for getting cross in the heat of the moment. He is barely talking to me all day. I’ve said nice things like ‘it could have happened to anyone’ ‘don’t blame yourself/ forgive yourself’ ‘baby will get better baby will be okay’ and lots of reassuring but he’s basically blanking me (he has form for this).

I do understand I shouldn’t have had a go at him and he would have felt bad enough for what has happened. I do wish I could go back and be calmer and more understanding. But I can’t go back in time, I can’t un do it.
I guesss in my defense seeing my baby like that was utter panic and my mama bear kicked in and I thought how could you be so careless and cause possibly life changing injuries

my AIBU

YABU - you need to keep apologising and wait for him to forgive you, you really shouldn’t have called him and idiot when it was an accident

YANBU - you’ve said sorry more than once and he’s punishing you because he feels bad about what happened

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/10/2024 22:18

SilenceInside · 11/10/2024 19:21

"He didn't expect a baby to wriggle/lunge" - has he never held a baby??? That's what they do! Wriggle and lunge.

That was the exact excuse my ex used and also blamed me as I hadn't warned him that baby was moving and reaching further than the week before

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/10/2024 22:20

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:27

He’s apologised to baby but not to me..

My ex bought me a bunch of flowers after doing this and complimented me on how well I kept my cool at the hospital. And my ex is a narcissist bastard usuallly.

SunsetSkylane · 11/10/2024 22:21

Taishan · 11/10/2024 22:14

I would have absolutely gone mental and beat the living daylights out of him.

Don't be so stupid! People say such obtuse crap on here.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 11/10/2024 22:25

Boltonb · 11/10/2024 19:16

Well given that you have to be an absolute fucking idiot to hold a baby and a hot cup of tea at the same time, I don’t think he deserves an apology. He should feel like an idiot, because he is one.

Exactly this

Sepoctnov · 11/10/2024 22:25

Screw top travel mugs for both of you.

You will both be shocked and deal with it in your own ways.

Hope your baby will be OK.

Gymnopedie · 11/10/2024 22:29

He needs to accept that in the moment you were terrified for the baby. Your reactions were all focussed on the baby's welfare and he'd done something stupid. What were you supposed to do, pat him on the head and say there, there...

VivianLea · 11/10/2024 22:30

I spilt tea on my little DS when he was 2. DS was on the floor and I picked something up off the table, knocking the cup over, and the tea rushed across the table onto DS. It was awful. My DH was in the room and he started screaming at me - probably called me worse than an idiot, I think yelled what the fuck have you done a few times. Do you know what OP, I didn't even register it. It was years ago now but I remember the moment so vividly. I picked up DS and put him straight under water, and to this day I don't remember DH even being in the room. I never would have expected him to apologise. What I did was awful. I know it, he knows it, he was shocked and shouting in shock and fear. Perfectly understandable!

We were very very lucky in that the run off the table cooled it down and there wasn't a scar, but god I feel sick just thinking about it.

Ellie56 · 11/10/2024 22:51

@Redlorryyellowcar I'd be angry too. He sounds a complete twat. First for holding a scalding hot drink while holding a wriggly baby, and second for running to you instead of to the sink to pour cold water onto the burn.

MrsByridge · 11/10/2024 23:01

I'm coming at this from the "other side" as it were, because my 10 month old got a scald on his arm from my cup of tea. I had a sip and decided it was just slightly too hot to drink and put it down on the dining table and turned my back for a minute. My son was cruising round the furniture and managed to pull the cup over and his left arm was scalded quite extensively.

For those of you saying "why did he come to you and not do basic first aid??" You can't say how you'll react in an emergency. My husband was away on business at the time. I put my son in the bath, but it's not that easy to run cold water on a distressed baby. I phoned my husband because I couldn't think what to do and he called an ambulance for me.

He was calm and level headed. I'm not sure what I would have done if he'd yelled at me for being so stupid.

I don't think you need to keep apologising, but he's obviously having a hard time dealing with his feelings about it. @Redlorryyellowcar you said "he's apologised to baby but not to me..." Should I have apologised to my husband for not being careful enough with my cup of tea? He knew I felt awful about it. And you also said you've "said nice things", but it doesn't sound like you believe any of those things you said. I can imagine they sounded very hollow. What was your aim? To get him to open up to you about how terrible he feels and beg your forgiveness?

For what it's worth, my son's arm healed up perfectly and very soon you couldn't tell that anything had happened to him. I can't say the same for my "mental scars". It's one of those things that I replay in my head... If those replays also included my husband being furious and yelling at me, I'd probably feel many times worse.

Geekylover · 11/10/2024 23:02

I wouldn’t apologise to him. When he’s looking after the baby that’s all he should be doing. Wouldn’t be surprised if he was looking at his phone too. He should apologise and sort his priorities out. Poor baby , hugs x

Ariela · 11/10/2024 23:07

coldcallerbaiter · 11/10/2024 21:02

Did dh run the baby under a cold tap? Or an ice pack? Because more importantly that is what you are supposed to do. It sounds like he just handed you the baby, and seconds count. Yes it was an accident, I am sure he feels awful.

I'd be more cross if your DH didn't know what to do, and baby hadn't been immediately run under the cold tap for 20 minutes.

I recommend you both do a first aid course.

Acornsoup · 11/10/2024 23:08

Fuck him OP. How has he managed to make this about him?

ManyMaybes · 11/10/2024 23:15

Gosh so many accidents in the posts with hot water and babies!

I had hot tea spilled over me as a baby and ended up in A&E, narrowly avoiding skin grafts. I do have some scars but they are almost invisible now. Honestly I didn’t even know it had happened until I was 6 or 7 and even found new scars probably into my teens because they were very faint. Hopefully that will be the case for your baby, or better of course!

CuriouslyMinded · 11/10/2024 23:26

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:38

Baby was discharged so it’s not serious to stay in which is a good sign.
because baby was wearing clothes and not naked, the fabric took some of the initial force of it.

baby has a special burns dressing on and I’m going back in 48 hours to see how it’s progressed. They said it would scar for a long time but may fade in adulthood. I did cry at the hospital when they said this. Baby just has the most perfect fresh skin, it’s heart breaking

i just want to scream at DH that’s he’s a selfish thoughtless pig. But I guess it wouldn’t help anyone and probably wouldn’t make me feel better

Edited
Show quote history

It was an accident OP, but you were acting on adrenaline and you probably still are. I think I would have said a lot worse to my DP if his thoughtless actions had caused such pain and damage to our daughter.
If the cup of tea was just poured (you mentioned previously that it had been 30 seconds) then it was far too hot for him to drink and doubly stupid that he was holding it at the same time as your baby.
You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You were kind to apologise and I'm sure your DP feels rightfully dreadful, but that is not your issue to carry.
Wishing all the best for your little one and that your follow up appointment goes well with better news for you all. X

BettyBardMacDonald · 11/10/2024 23:38

I am stunned that he didn't know enough to rush the baby to the cold water tap. Let alone be so selfish and thoughtless as to drink hot tea anywhere near an infant in the first place. The more I think of it the less fathomable it is.

When we were little children my parents wouldn't even let us come into the kitchen (and I'm talking up to age 8 or 9) if they were boiling water for pasta, or frying chips (this was before oven chips) or doing anything else that would spatter, burn or boil us. I have vivid memories of standing at the kitchen door threshold watching them cook.

As a baby my sister had to have an eye operation and on the ward was a child burned over 80 percent of its body by scalding water. Seeing that was a traumatizing eye-opener and they were extra strict about safety ever after.

It is just unfathomable to me how a man who's been a father for a year thinks it's OK to have just-made hot tea anywhere near a small child. And then just stand there like a dullard waiting for OP to take over. And OP apologizes to him??

justasking111 · 11/10/2024 23:47

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:23

So there is a strong change of permanent scarring (albeit a small ish scar)

Show quote history

Mine was a toddler pulled the drink off the table. I threw him in a warm shower stayed on the phone to 999 lady until ambulance arrived. I was in bits. Husband went in the ambulance I followed in the car when dressed.

I had to go back to the hospital every 48 hours for wound dressing. He did have a scar for a few years which finally disappeared. Weirdly when he has a shower he gets blotchy, allergy style. I wonder if it's because of the burns. 😢

SD1978 · 11/10/2024 23:52

He was an idiot, and it was an accident, the response you had from fear is completely normal. Him now sulking about it, not apologising and making himself the victim, is shitty behaviour. Stop trying to make him feel better

TashaTudor · 11/10/2024 23:56

Sorry if this has already been asked but after the accident, his first instict was to give you the scalded baby?
Yes he's an idiot for it happening and even more of an idiot for not immediately applying cold water and sgiutung for you rather than expecting you to deal with it

scaredofhospital · 11/10/2024 23:59

FloatyBoaty · 11/10/2024 19:42

what id love to know is why did he bring baby to you and hold baby out to you, rather than running under cold water, grabbing cold compress and calling for you to help. Why was his first instinct when faced with an injured child, in pain, to hand off responsibility to you- not give child first aid?

Absolutely this!!! This was my first thought too. What a monumental fucking clueless idiot! Does he genuinely have no clue what to do when a child is scalded?!

Copperoliverbear · 12/10/2024 00:05

Why an earth are you apologising he is minimising his thick behaviour, he should be begging forgiveness, the hospital might report it to social services all because he's an idiot
He's also a narcissist and so far up his own arse he may get lost.
He's a manipulator and if he was my husband and tried to in effect make me feel bad for his actions I'd tell him to leave.

LetsSeeHowFarWeveCome · 12/10/2024 00:08

An acquaintances baby had to have skin grafts when something similar happened and the tea went down the side of their face and neck.

Your husband is an idiot. It's one of the things midwives/home visitors/play group leaders warn parents-to-be and new parents of constantly. For good reason.

DiscoinFrisco · 12/10/2024 00:19

Shouldn't the focus be on your little baby, who is surely still in pain and not dhs fragile who.?

Normallynumb · 12/10/2024 00:22

Why are you reassuring him??
Holding baby in one arm and a cup of tea in the other is an accident waiting to happen
I wouldn't be apologising! I would be focussing on my baby

MumblesParty · 12/10/2024 00:30

I’m amazed you both drink hot tea with the baby nearby OP. I don’t think I had a hot drink for a few years when mine were little! Any hot drink was put very high up, and by the time I remembered it, it was cold. The 2 of you need to rethink the tea situation.

Cloie · 12/10/2024 01:07

It happened to someone I know, a babysitter left black coffee next to her, she grabbed it and spilled it in herself. She had life altering injuries, physio for years - life long weakness, scaring down the top of her body - she has worn polo necks and scarves all her life as the burn marks still cover her. In her case the babysitter was sued and the amount rewarded was enough to buy two properties when she turned 18 as the injuries were life changing and it has limited the types of jobs she can do.

I know the tea wasn’t as hot, may not scar and it won’t effect mobility but if he tends to be this careless and unable to accept he was reckless the next injury could be worse. Also if the baby does have scars you could sue him for compensation on her behalf - tell him that. In my friend’s case a judge found the babysitter’s negligence caused harm - tell him to think of that. You have nothing to apologise for, he should have been more careful and he should have been a grown up and admitted it was his fault and apologised to you!

My partner has a tendency to be a bit more laxed at times - one time ended with a fall and a trip to A&E - she was fine but I tore strips off him and I didn’t apologise because he was at fault and I wanted him to remember it and to drum in that bad stuff happens when you don’t pay attention - having a good outcome didn’t absolve him because it could have been a whole lot worse.

Oh also buy some 360 thermos mugs - the type that has a button in the middle that you have to press before you drink and can quickly reseal after each sip! We always drank tea from them when holding the baby and only had warm tea, rather than hot.