Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby burnt by hot tea

219 replies

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:14

awful day, had to to take our baby to A&E after a cup hot tea was spilt over baby.

I was upstairs and DH was looking after baby (holding baby and holding cup of tea). Baby was very brave and has been bandaged by medics and will be mostly okay.
At the time he came to tell me holding out bright red baby I was furious and called him an idiot at least 4 times and angrily said what were you thinking.
i realise it was an accident and ive said sorry to DH a number of times for getting cross in the heat of the moment. He is barely talking to me all day. I’ve said nice things like ‘it could have happened to anyone’ ‘don’t blame yourself/ forgive yourself’ ‘baby will get better baby will be okay’ and lots of reassuring but he’s basically blanking me (he has form for this).

I do understand I shouldn’t have had a go at him and he would have felt bad enough for what has happened. I do wish I could go back and be calmer and more understanding. But I can’t go back in time, I can’t un do it.
I guesss in my defense seeing my baby like that was utter panic and my mama bear kicked in and I thought how could you be so careless and cause possibly life changing injuries

my AIBU

YABU - you need to keep apologising and wait for him to forgive you, you really shouldn’t have called him and idiot when it was an accident

YANBU - you’ve said sorry more than once and he’s punishing you because he feels bad about what happened

OP posts:
IDontHateRainbows · 11/10/2024 19:27

If someone doesn't accept your apology the first time, don't keep apologising. Wait until they've calmed down/ give it a few days etc then discuss.

Where's his accountability in all this?

Kalimero · 11/10/2024 19:28

Sounds like you're dealing with a narcissist.
Instead of him apologising he's manipulating you into feeling bad for pointing out his mistake.

Original poster
Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:28

Kalimero · 11/10/2024 19:28

Sounds like you're dealing with a narcissist.
Instead of him apologising he's manipulating you into feeling bad for pointing out his mistake.

Yes I’ve often thought this about him

OP posts:
Neveragain35 · 11/10/2024 19:28

You have apologised, he should accept that. It sounds like an awful accident and tbh I think it could have happened to most parents. I can’t honestly say I never held a baby and my tea at the same time.

TimTamTime · 11/10/2024 19:29

The children's ward I've been on (for very young kids) ban hot drinks totally. It's a very predictable accident and totally his fault.

5128gap · 11/10/2024 19:29

OP he is playing you like a fiddle. He knows full well he was an idiot and completely in the wrong, so he is using your entirely understandable outburst to distract attention from what he did to put the focus on you as the bad guy. Think about it. His carelessness harmed your child, yet here you are, fretting about him and his feelings, excusing his carelessness and minimising your baby's injuries to make him feel better. You need to stop OP. Focus on your baby (and yourself after such a horrible experience) this is not your partners time to be front and centre.

Original poster
Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:29

I know it sounds like I really hate my dh and perhaps today I do. I just need to vent to strangers online because I need a release. I just feel so tense

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/10/2024 19:29

He has potentially scared the child for life, and YOU are apologising ?!!!

WHY are YOU apologising and reassuring him whilst HE SULKS ?!!!

HE should be apologising to you !!! and the baby of course.

if baby is scared for life that is a permanent reminder to him re HIS carelessness / thoughtlessness.

porridgecake · 11/10/2024 19:29

Kalimero · 11/10/2024 19:28

Sounds like you're dealing with a narcissist.
Instead of him apologising he's manipulating you into feeling bad for pointing out his mistake.

This was my first thought. Narcissists don't make good parents.

Anywherebuthere · 11/10/2024 19:29

Accidents happen but he is the one that should be apologising.

You're reaction in the moment is totally understandable.

nocoolnamesleft · 11/10/2024 19:29

The normal reaction of a parent who has just accidentally scalded their baby is overwhelming guilt. Not anger.

coxesorangepippin · 11/10/2024 19:29

It's not an accident.

It's negligence.

And that's being kind.

BrainLife · 11/10/2024 19:30

This reminds me of when I had a go at my brother for stepping over my son when he was a baby with a pan of boiling water. Hot water and babies should never be in close proximity. You were fine to say what you said. Hopefully he has learnt a lesson.

HiCandles · 11/10/2024 19:30

I think there's a difference between holding a sleeping newborn who isn't going to move and drinking tea which I admit I've done many times, to a year old active wriggling awake child who is very likely to grab for anything within reach. I think I might have drunk cold drinks in the latter situation but the worst that can happen is mess. He definitely shouldn't have had a cup of tea hot enough to burn. I would've reacted the same way you did OP and I would hope my DH would be incredibly remorseful and guilty. It's frustrating he doesn't seem to be recognising that his actions caused this. Perhaps this is an opportunity for a serious discussion about baby proofing and accident prevention in the home now baby is so much more active. Things like baths, stairs, cupboards, small parts, button batteries, knives near the edge of kitchen worktop, drinks on low surfaces, front door locked with key.

Jadeleigh196 · 11/10/2024 19:31

Jesus christ. He should be agreeing with you that "yes I'm a massive idiot" rather than ignoring you? Dick.

Original poster
Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:32

HiCandles · 11/10/2024 19:30

I think there's a difference between holding a sleeping newborn who isn't going to move and drinking tea which I admit I've done many times, to a year old active wriggling awake child who is very likely to grab for anything within reach. I think I might have drunk cold drinks in the latter situation but the worst that can happen is mess. He definitely shouldn't have had a cup of tea hot enough to burn. I would've reacted the same way you did OP and I would hope my DH would be incredibly remorseful and guilty. It's frustrating he doesn't seem to be recognising that his actions caused this. Perhaps this is an opportunity for a serious discussion about baby proofing and accident prevention in the home now baby is so much more active. Things like baths, stairs, cupboards, small parts, button batteries, knives near the edge of kitchen worktop, drinks on low surfaces, front door locked with key.

The awful thing is he said it was a fresh cup of tea, less than 30 seconds freshly made. Plus it was the whole cup

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 11/10/2024 19:34

He's being an arse about it, but I don't believe that nobody ever holds a hot drink and a baby at the same time. I think it's something that lots of people do, every single day.

He was unlucky and probably feels really bad. I think you both need to give each other a cuddle and admit that you both got upset because you were worried - but please don't let people on here convince you that he must be a terrible father for having a cup of tea.

Redplenty · 11/10/2024 19:34

You absolutely should've gone at him. There is no reason for this to have happened. He's blaming himself and displacing to blaming you for your reaction, but he is 100% accountable for this. I'd not be on talking terms with anyone who scalded my baby in this scenario.

porridgecake · 11/10/2024 19:35

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:32

The awful thing is he said it was a fresh cup of tea, less than 30 seconds freshly made. Plus it was the whole cup

Show quote history

I am so sorry. Your poor baby. What have the doctors said about the extent of the burn? He should attend every single appointment.

BrainLife · 11/10/2024 19:35

HiCandles · 11/10/2024 19:30

I think there's a difference between holding a sleeping newborn who isn't going to move and drinking tea which I admit I've done many times, to a year old active wriggling awake child who is very likely to grab for anything within reach. I think I might have drunk cold drinks in the latter situation but the worst that can happen is mess. He definitely shouldn't have had a cup of tea hot enough to burn. I would've reacted the same way you did OP and I would hope my DH would be incredibly remorseful and guilty. It's frustrating he doesn't seem to be recognising that his actions caused this. Perhaps this is an opportunity for a serious discussion about baby proofing and accident prevention in the home now baby is so much more active. Things like baths, stairs, cupboards, small parts, button batteries, knives near the edge of kitchen worktop, drinks on low surfaces, front door locked with key.

I wouldn't even do this. A friend of mine spilt black coffee down herself, handle broke. She had to have plastic surgery on her boob. Though I must admit if this didn't happen to her I may not have worried so much when my son was tiny.

SilenceInside · 11/10/2024 19:36

I don't think many people would decide to hold a nearly boiling mug of hot water whilst also holding a one year old. It's almost inevitable that you need two hands to safely hold a child like that. I don't think it's reasonable to suggest that's a commonplace action.

Original poster
Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:36

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 11/10/2024 19:34

He's being an arse about it, but I don't believe that nobody ever holds a hot drink and a baby at the same time. I think it's something that lots of people do, every single day.

He was unlucky and probably feels really bad. I think you both need to give each other a cuddle and admit that you both got upset because you were worried - but please don't let people on here convince you that he must be a terrible father for having a cup of tea.

Okay thanks, I want to hear all opinions because I know I can be very adamant sometimes and possibly unreasonable

OP posts:
HiCandles · 11/10/2024 19:36

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:32

The awful thing is he said it was a fresh cup of tea, less than 30 seconds freshly made. Plus it was the whole cup

Show quote history

Gosh your poor poor baby 😔 that must've hurt so much. I can almost feel it and can only imagine how you must be feeling.
I'd leave it now with him OP. I think I couldn't bring myself to be polite and not cause further argument. Your reaction doesn't negate his actions which he seems to be choosing to ignore.

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 11/10/2024 19:37

porridgecake · 11/10/2024 19:35

I am so sorry. Your poor baby. What have the doctors said about the extent of the burn? He should attend every single appointment.

Show quote history

OP updated that the man has permanently scarred the child.

You shouldn't be with a male who uses anger and stonewalling and DARVO techniques, it's hugely damaging.

SilenceInside · 11/10/2024 19:37

He's not a terrible father from one incident, but he made a terrible decision that was obviously stupid and it has caused actual harm to their baby. He should be cross with himself not with the OP for being angry.