Baby burnt by hot tea

[Redlorryyellowcar]

awful day, had to to take our baby to A&E after a cup hot tea was spilt over baby.

I was upstairs and DH was looking after baby (holding baby and holding cup of tea). Baby was very brave and has been bandaged by medics and will be mostly okay.
At the time he came to tell me holding out bright red baby I was furious and called him an idiot at least 4 times and angrily said what were you thinking.
i realise it was an accident and ive said sorry to DH a number of times for getting cross in the heat of the moment. He is barely talking to me all day. I’ve said nice things like ‘it could have happened to anyone’ ‘don’t blame yourself/ forgive yourself’ ‘baby will get better baby will be okay’ and lots of reassuring but he’s basically blanking me (he has form for this).

I do understand I shouldn’t have had a go at him and he would have felt bad enough for what has happened. I do wish I could go back and be calmer and more understanding. But I can’t go back in time, I can’t un do it.
I guesss in my defense seeing my baby like that was utter panic and my mama bear kicked in and I thought how could you be so careless and cause possibly life changing injuries

my AIBU

YABU - you need to keep apologising and wait for him to forgive you, you really shouldn’t have called him and idiot when it was an accident

YANBU - you’ve said sorry more than once and he’s punishing you because he feels bad about what happened

So there is a lot of anger on both sides.

I think anger is often the over riding emotions hiding all sorts of stuff: fear guilt for example.
So I would let that pass. Concentrate on your baby, given them loads of cuddles and recover from the shock.

Later, maybe revisit what has happened.
Was the accident preventable? Was your dh really careless? Has he actually taken responsibility for what happened (it was just an accident isn’t taking responsibility but being extra careful of never having hot drinks close by is!)
How do you feel about it all? Any guilt (like How did I let that happen type of feelings)?

But always remember that there is often something else behind the anger.

Added for clarity:
your dh would do to remember that too. Being angry at you isn’t going to help him, or the baby. So he’d be better facing his own feeling about what happened. Otherwise he is just deflecting and/or using you as an emotional punching bag, somehow making it your problem rather than his

So many of these posts about babies being hurt just lately, lots of careless people about.

Does he? He's not acting sorry. He's acting like a dickhead.

He’s just trying to deflect blame and make out you are in the wrong for being justifiably upset he let this thing happen to your child to detract from the fact he knows he did something far worse.

You’ve apologised. Now stop.

And I’d go cold till he screws his head on and accepts he was in the wrong and is lucky you’ve even forgiven him. It would have taken me weeks.

I would have screamed at him too tbh. You were in shock so not unreasonable at all. Perhaps he feels really guilty that he is trying to apportion some of the guilt onto you to make you feel guilty for shouting at him. He is being a dick for not accepting responsibility and being remorseful and needs to be more careful in future. Hope your baby recovers really well and quickly x

I agree with this view point to be honest.

He’s punishing you for calling him an idiot rather than reflecting and blaming himself.

Stop apologising.

The important person here is your baby.

Why are you saying ‘don’t blame yourself’? Has he shown any signs of blaming himself??

This. Can’t believe more people haven’t picked up on this part! This made me even more adamant that YANBU

Well he is an idiot. Who holds a baby and a cup of tea at the same time?

I once accidently hurt my 1.5 Yr old. I was playing a game with him where I was gently whooshing him down on to a pillow, he put his hand down at exactly the time I 'whooshed' him and he got a hairline fracture to his wrist.
I was horrified and really upset about what I had done. My husband never called me an idiot, I'd have been upset if he had because I already felt horrendous. But I would have taken it on the chin to be honest. Because it was my fault.
But I also explained it all and made it clear that I felt awful. I think if you are ultimately responsible for an accident you have to accept the responsibility, including any reasonable judgment and anger that comes your way.

He wasn't unlucky. He had an almost entirely predictable incident that could have been very very easily avoided. Nothing at all like being unlucky.

I don't think you need to apologise. It was his fault.
Just because he didn't do it on purpose doesn't mean it wasn't his fault.

he is out of order. what fucking idiot has a hot drink and hold a baby!? even a child.

nope nope nope. he is out of order

How many times has he apologised….??

Why the hell are you apologising to this idiot for ? He is bloody lucky that your poor child is not very ill or will be scared for life. Why the hell was he holding a hot drink whilst holding the baby? You done well to only call him an idiot, i personally would have called him much much worse.

I don't think you need to do anything. Just let it be and it will pass. What he did was ridiculously stupid, what you said was gut reaction and you weren't wrong. But I understand why both of you are angry. He must be very upset with himself but also by your reaction and I get that too. I don't think he should have to apologise anymore, what is done is done. Maybe if he does apologise again you could say you are sorry for calling him an idiot but he did a really stupid thing and you couldn't help but be furious. That should be the end of that.

Well I would have reacted just like you, furious. But after I’d calmed down and knew baby was OK I would have apologised… like you. His being a cock dragging it out like you did something wrong reacting how you did initially. What did he expect you to say? ‘Oh hey ho not to worry!’ 😒

Both my ex husbands used to try to do this twisting thing.

He needs to grow up, accept he's in the wrong, and be more careful in the future!

Do you often call each other names? I find that so strange and would be upset if my husband calls me an idiot as it shows lack of respect. You called him an idiot four times. He made a mistake and caused harm to the baby and you are angry, I get that. But nobody is perfect and things happen. It just means he needs to be extra vigilant in the future. But you calling him an idiot four times is not on. I will not be living with someone who calls me names.

I had a whole cup of freshly made tea dropped down my back when I was a child, (I was older, and obv listen to opinions of the experts you met) - but if it’s any conciliation, I was an example of not being left with a single mark at all, so perhaps just wait and see with time, it may not definitely scar as much as you fear it will. ❤️

And on your question - YANBU at all. You would have been very saintly to not have reacted like that, I think you sounded fairly restrained tbh. You are still only on the first day of it happening, and have already acknowledged that he obviously didn’t mean to and that he feels terrible, so I think you have been kind enough. (& it wouldn’t have happened to ‘anyone’ as many people would not have risked doing that).
Would have taken me several days to ge to that point I think.

He might well be gutted right now, but doesn’t give him the excuse to be flipping it back on you. If he continues it any longer tomorrow after he’s slept on it, he is an absolute A.

Poor baby. In general many people are unaware of the potential of burn injuries and the potential impact of a cup of black tea / coffee or a baby / young child pulling a kettle lead. A relatively small amount of liquid can cover a large percentage of the baby’s body. At least they didn’t need to admit your baby to a burns unit. Hope baby gets well soon.

A safety / paediatric first aid course may be a good idea, as it is for every parent.

This happened to me. I burned my baby by mistake (not with tea) and went to A&E. small burn, no scars, he is all fine now. I cried for days, I felt so awful, I apologised to my DH for ages. I would have understood if he was angrier with me, but he wasn’t. I don’t understand your DH’s reaction at all.

btw in our case social services were called and I had to keep bringing the baby for checks. I am surprised this didn’t happen in your case, I thought this was standard when you bring baby to A&E with an accident injury.

I wonder if he's more sulking quietly because he feels guilty, rather than he's blanking you? I know extra caution should be given around boiling hot tea and babies but I do also know what it's like to have a velcro baby (is this the case?) and needing a hot drink to relax! Yes, he should have been more careful how he went about it.

Stop apologising. Your husband was so so stupid. He should be the one saying sorry.

@Redlorryyellowcar

I hope we just get a good nights sleep and have a better day tomorrow?

Yer tomorrow is another day 😃😮