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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby burnt by hot tea

219 replies

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:14

awful day, had to to take our baby to A&E after a cup hot tea was spilt over baby.

I was upstairs and DH was looking after baby (holding baby and holding cup of tea). Baby was very brave and has been bandaged by medics and will be mostly okay.
At the time he came to tell me holding out bright red baby I was furious and called him an idiot at least 4 times and angrily said what were you thinking.
i realise it was an accident and ive said sorry to DH a number of times for getting cross in the heat of the moment. He is barely talking to me all day. I’ve said nice things like ‘it could have happened to anyone’ ‘don’t blame yourself/ forgive yourself’ ‘baby will get better baby will be okay’ and lots of reassuring but he’s basically blanking me (he has form for this).

I do understand I shouldn’t have had a go at him and he would have felt bad enough for what has happened. I do wish I could go back and be calmer and more understanding. But I can’t go back in time, I can’t un do it.
I guesss in my defense seeing my baby like that was utter panic and my mama bear kicked in and I thought how could you be so careless and cause possibly life changing injuries

my AIBU

YABU - you need to keep apologising and wait for him to forgive you, you really shouldn’t have called him and idiot when it was an accident

YANBU - you’ve said sorry more than once and he’s punishing you because he feels bad about what happened

OP posts:
JazzyBazzy79 · 11/10/2024 20:37

You've got nothing to feel guilty for. He deserved that reaction. Who in their right mind holds a cup of tea and a baby! Poor baby must have been in agony 😭 such reckless behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2024 20:38

Just because people on here are a saying they do it...

Travel mug
A couple of ice cubes in it.
Put the baby down!

There are ways to have tea and no scalded child. I was very badly scalded with a cup of tea as a child (no scars OP!) and still remember the pain.

nxa · 11/10/2024 20:39

What do you mean, "baby will mostly be okay"? I'd probably want to focus on that, more than having a squabble with your husband about it. Yes, he's an idiot, why you'd hold a baby and a cup of tea at the same time, I don't understand, but getting into it with each other over that at the moment probably isn't the best use of your time. You need to focus on your baby and how to mitigate the damage which means baby will not be fully okay. I'm sorry you're facing this.

Bestyearever2024 · 11/10/2024 20:40

Why do you feel so bad for telling him he's an idiot? ( he is)

Why do you keep apologising and telling him it could have happened to anyone (it couldnt ....only to idiots)

Are you scared of him?

If he uses withdrawal of love and affection as a regular punishment he's probably a narcissist.....beware

Flopsy145 · 11/10/2024 20:45

I mean he is an idiot and you were right to say so. That was entirely preventable. I'd wager his silence is guilt as he knows he fucked up!

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 11/10/2024 20:45

LoveWine123 · 11/10/2024 20:05

Do you often call each other names? I find that so strange and would be upset if my husband calls me an idiot as it shows lack of respect. You called him an idiot four times. He made a mistake and caused harm to the baby and you are angry, I get that. But nobody is perfect and things happen. It just means he needs to be extra vigilant in the future. But you calling him an idiot four times is not on. I will not be living with someone who calls me names.

So he gets the excuse of being not perfect, but when she is justifiably upset and in the heat of the moment she's called to account? Even after she's apologized? I've called dh an idiot more times than I can count in ten years, when he was genuinely doing something idiotic and careless with dc. You get what you pay for.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 11/10/2024 20:46

Well it’s safe to say that this relationship is dead. Let’s hope DH learns some common sense before he has the child alone as part of a custody agreement.

InSpainTheRain · 11/10/2024 20:47

YANBU - at that sort of ages they are very likely to wriggle and lunge. Actually one of my DS head butted a mug I had and it took one of my teeth out around 1 year old! They are unpredictable as you know and your DH had a preventable accident. Personally, I was a bit paranoid about burning one of my DC so if I was holding them I only had cold drinks. Actually, even though they are now in their 20's I still prefer cold drinks as I got used to them when they were little and the habit stayed with me - probably super extreme of me. Sorry you and baby had to suffer this, but he should not be angry but really contrite!

Bunnycat101 · 11/10/2024 20:50

I think lots of people do have a drink while holding a baby but the crucial thing is I don’t think it’s normal to be holding a scalding cup. Even just letting it cool for a few minutes would make a difference between burns requiring a&e and something that can be dealt with at home with a running tap.

As soon as you’ve got milk in a drink you’ll be cooling it a bit as well but something like a black coffee or fruit tea is going to stay boiling for much longer. Even as an adult drinking a fruit tea, I’d leave it to cool for a good while before trying to drink it. If he was holding something hot enough to do that sort of damage then he has been irresponsible.

Justcallmebebes · 11/10/2024 20:50

Anywherebuthere · 11/10/2024 19:29

Accidents happen but he is the one that should be apologising.

You're reaction in the moment is totally understandable.

This. Your husband is an idiot and has no right to be angry. He should be mortified

sprigatito · 11/10/2024 20:51

His attitude is appalling, and doesn't bode well for his future as a father. If I or DH had scalded our child we would be devastated and full of remorse. He's sulking because you said mean words to him? What a pathetic, petulant, narcissistic piece of shit. He's bloody lucky it wasn't worse, he could have killed his own child through sheer carelessness. I'm so sorry OP, I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 11/10/2024 20:57

Redlorryyellowcar · 11/10/2024 19:17

Baby is a year.

I still feel angry, he feels angry.

I hope we just get a good nights sleep and have a better day tomorrow?

Why didn’t he do emergency first aid?

Sweetiedarling2024 · 11/10/2024 20:57

Your baby is a year old. Your husband is an idiot.

Reminds me of when my husband left the front door open when we had a 9 week old puppy (!!!!). I called him a dickhead before running around the local area looking for him. Luckily he was found quickly but my husband went off and sulked. Men can be so dumb and pathetic.

I can’t believe these morons rule the world…

MrsHapus · 11/10/2024 20:58

Happened to my cousins baby too- was told likely to scar on both arms and todo, but 3 years on and nothing to see at all!

in regards to you husband, only you know him best. But could you be misreading the silence? Could he be retreating and quiet because actually he feels terrible and that he's let you/baby down? Everyone processes emotions differently and it's taking me nearly a decade to remember this about my own DH in situations. I'm not saying you shouldn't have called him an idiot, he was- and he probably knows it. You've apologised, move on. If he's anything like my DH it's possible that he's ruminating on his emotions and actions and doesn't know how to handle it.

Glazedandconfuddled · 11/10/2024 21:00

I've spilt an entire cup of coffee over my baby, accidents do happen. The difference is I have a tepid drinks only rule around my children so nobody got burned, the only damage was clothes stained beyond repair. Stop apologising, he's put your baby in a&e through negligence. If you can accept it was a genuine accident and move on then great but at the very least he needs to show learning and remorse. If he learns nothing and has hot drinks around baby in future he's wilfully being a danger to your child. Last week I ripped DH a new one for boiling veg in a pan at the front of the stove (back hobs were available) while my 2yo was in the kitchen. He was outraged as he was "keeping an eye out" but after a few hours told me he'd thought about and understood why it's a hard no, he won't do it again

JeanLundegaard · 11/10/2024 21:00

My friend’s nephew was in a high chair in a supermarket cafe with his mother and her mother in law, as they were sorting the older child the little one pulled the tray and was severely scalded by a pot of hot tea. He had skin grafts and the only reason he didn’t lose his penis was because of the nappy he was wearing. He has to keep his legs covered in the summer still. This was over 10 years ago. He was with two adults and it still happened. Accidents are just that. You need to both draw a line under it and move on.

Wife2b · 11/10/2024 21:00

I wouldn’t apologise, I’d be absolutely furious at how much of an idiot he is. Yes it was an accident but a completely preventable one. He should be ashamed.

coldcallerbaiter · 11/10/2024 21:02

Did dh run the baby under a cold tap? Or an ice pack? Because more importantly that is what you are supposed to do. It sounds like he just handed you the baby, and seconds count. Yes it was an accident, I am sure he feels awful.

Calliopespa · 11/10/2024 21:02

Glazedandconfuddled · 11/10/2024 21:00

I've spilt an entire cup of coffee over my baby, accidents do happen. The difference is I have a tepid drinks only rule around my children so nobody got burned, the only damage was clothes stained beyond repair. Stop apologising, he's put your baby in a&e through negligence. If you can accept it was a genuine accident and move on then great but at the very least he needs to show learning and remorse. If he learns nothing and has hot drinks around baby in future he's wilfully being a danger to your child. Last week I ripped DH a new one for boiling veg in a pan at the front of the stove (back hobs were available) while my 2yo was in the kitchen. He was outraged as he was "keeping an eye out" but after a few hours told me he'd thought about and understood why it's a hard no, he won't do it again

He sounds quite evolved! 🙂 He obviously kept thinking about it.

PlumpCatIsBestCat · 11/10/2024 21:02

Singleandproud · 11/10/2024 19:17

I wouldn't have apologised.

He was an idiot and it shouldn't happen to anyone, entirely preventable accident.

Agree. He's now going to turn it around on you to deflect from his own incompetence and guilt.

PadstowGirl · 11/10/2024 21:04

Sorry, I think an accident is something like tripping up and falling.
This wasn't an accident it was negligence.
Who holds a baby and hot tea at the same time? The man is absolutely an idiot.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 11/10/2024 21:04

He brought the baby to you? He didn’t start first aid, cold water immediately. ?
He really should have basic common sense ( a baby can reach out to grab a cup not realising it’s hot) and suggest he does a first aid course.

BirthdayRainbow · 11/10/2024 21:05

I'm not voting as I don't like the options. Don't apologise again. You said nothing more than he deserves. Surely everyone knows you don't hold a hot drink and a baby. No more crawling to him and when the baby has recovered have a conversation about him blanking you. That needs to stop immediately.

cocoloco23 · 11/10/2024 21:07

People keep saying “it was an accident”. Yes it was but:

a) it was preventable. Doesn’t everyone know that babies and toddlers don’t mix well with hot drinks?

And b) he could and bloody well SHOULD have dunked the baby under cold water immediately to mitigate any damage.

I don’t have kids, I’ve never done a first aid course and even I know that.

It was an accident AND he’s a total fuckwit. You should be angry with him, OP.

As for taking it out on you - words fail me. He should feel bad about this. He should feel fucking awful about it, and be utterly contrite.

savethatkitty · 11/10/2024 21:07

Sorry but he IS an idiot. Why are you apologising?